Save my uni!

Here’s the scenario. Last summer, my brother and his wife were living with us until their apartment was ready. In that time, he and I struck gold at a yard sale, purchasing two blue Miyata flamingoes for $15 each. They were old and beat up, but they were real nice. The trouble was, the seat posts were way too short of us (we’re both around 6’).

So, my girlfriend at the time was over, and so My brother and I figured we’d teach the ladies how to ride unicycles. Great idea, right? The four of us unicycling together…

So, my brother’s wife learned how to ride, but my girlfriend didn’t pick it up so quickly. She asked if she could take it home to practice. My head said, “Ummm, I’d rather get to know the machine, spend some time with it, and learn how to handle lollipop bearings” but my mouth said, “Sure.”

That was my mistake.

A couple months later, we broke up, and she still has that unicycle. She hasn’t touched it since last summer. She is moving to Los Angeles (from Maine) in about a month and a half, and is evidently planning on stuffing the uni deep in the attic of her grandma’s house. Just thinking about that wonderful piece of equipment being stashed away, never to be used, is a travesty.

I want to get that unicycle back into my shed, where it will be well cared for, and used to teach dozens of people how to ride.

I need help, though. My brother (who sees her more than I do) told her that she should give it back to me, and that I wanted it back, but she was unmoved. I’m wondering if any of you can think of something I can say to get her to return the unicycle. If I can’t get her to surrender the unicycle soon, I will be forced to offer to buy it off her, and I’d rather not buy my unicycle twice, you know?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. If you help me get it back, I will be infinitely grateful. Thanks.


tell her if she doesnt give it up, she’ll have a welcoming committee of angry one wheeled people in LA.

I got your back, man. :smiley:

offer to help her move and nab it when the time is right.

Or ask really nicely?

2 words

Judge Judy

There are very few reasonable ways to appraoch this. Some have been mentioned already (angry mob, help her move) but here are some other options:

  1. Hire a barber shop quartet to warm her icy heart. Try to find a guy who knows a guy who sings barber shop.

  2. Camp on her lawn until she gives in, or calls the police. I suggest dragonfly stoves for cooking.

  3. Plant the state flower in the shape of a unicycle on her lawn

  4. Kill a man and bury the body in her yard.

That’s all I can think of.

Heres a great idea! at night secretly poop on her lawn every day(night), she’ll figure its bad kharma and stuff because she’s being mean and eventually will give in, you could work in something where you say youl catch the dog for her if you get your uni back or sumthing. I just like the idea of pooping on someone elses lawn as an act of revenge.

OH MAN! that is by far the best idea yet! I havent laughed that hard in a while! :smiley:

Thank goodness some unicyclists are more vengeful than myself.

Ok, so you’re telling me I should kill the man who helps her move, and then get an angry mob of barbershop singers to poop on Judge Judy’s lawn in the shape of the state flower?

It’s just crazy enough to work!

/me turns on the Mission Impossible music.
You could steal it back.

I just realized this song is appropriate. Offensive words have been edited out.

Song for the Dumped

by Ben Folds and Darren Jessee

So you wanted to take a break
Slow it down some and have some space
Well xxxx you too!

Give me my money back
Give me my money back, you xxxxx
I want my money back

Wish I hadn’t bought you dinner
Right before you dumped me on your front porch

Give me my money back
Give me my money back, you xxxxx
I want my money back
… and don’t forget my black T-shirt (unicycle)

Clip for those who want to hear the song.
Song For the Dumped

Actually, I think Out of Print by the Cautions is a more appropriate fit. I asterisked out the profanity since this is a family message board.

I think everyone should also check out their website at They’re an awesome band, and Coffeeshop Girl is one of my favourite songs. You can download both of the aforementioned songs on their website.

Out of Print

There are a lot of things I won’t miss about you when you’re gone:

I won’t miss your 6 month-old toothbrush with worn out bristles in my medicine cabinet…I won’t miss Hello Kitty this and Hello Kitty that…I won’t miss the dirty old teddy bear you’ve had since you were two…

No, I won’t miss you.

Now that you’ve said it’s final
I want back my …**** vinyl
It’s out of print, and I don’t think
I can get it back…My Grandmaster Flash

I won’t miss the hour-long fights that go nowhere, do nothing…I won’t miss the company you keep, the snoring in your sleep, I won’t miss the lipstick on every goddamn glass in my kitchen sink…

No, I won’t miss you.

Now that you’ve said it’s final
I want back my **** vinyl
It’s out of print, and I don’t think
It will turn up soon…My Death In June

Whodini…Henry Mancini
Dead Milkmen…Bucky Fellini
Ric Ocasek…Barry White
Jimmy Walker…Dynomite!

Now that you’ve said it’s final
I want back my …**** vinyl
It’s out of print, and I don’t think
I can find it again…My Are We Not Men

Now that you’ve said it’s final
I want back my **** vinyl
It’s out of print, and I don’t want it
To end this way…**** it, I’ll find it on Ebay

It’s foolproof!

You’re darn right it is!

Seriously. Do it. It’d be the awesomest thing in the world.

Go to her house in person and firmly ask for your unicycle back. Be very businesslike and upfront about it. Make her either give it back or flat-out deny you to your face, but don’t let her brush you off.

If she doesn’t give it back after that, more drastic measures might need to be taken :roll_eyes:

and blow the element of surprise? no way! read Sun Tsu.

Re: Save my uni!

Like Mazem suggested, it sounds like the unicycle is yours. She needs to give it back. Explain to her (yourself) that it is yours. She apparently has no need for it anyway. Offer to pick it up of course.

Second idea, wait until she’s moved away, then speak to her grandma. “Oh, I think she left my old unicycle in your attic. Could I get it back?”

He is right, this is WAR! Although is Sun Tzu he does a have a point, use a sneaky and manipulative way to get it back so it wont be:
A. Confrontational
B. Harmful to the relationship of her and your bro
L. Wont hurt your poop to offense ratio.

MY IDEA HAS WORKED FOR ME (although was not a unicycle in question)

Write a letter to her, cc a local attorney. You don’t have to pay the attorney, just cc him/her. Tell her in the letter that if she doesn’t give you the uni back, you will be engaging the services of said attorney.

Then it’s up to you if she doesn’t give it back, whether you really want to go that route. My stuff was returned to me in a week, never had to pay a dime.

hire a monkey hit squad to fling their own fieces at her then while she’s distracted bye the flying dung run into the house, grab the uni.

I know i’m not funny

I was sitting here, writing out some banjo/mandolin arrangement and I realized: If you get a good bluegrass band she can’t help but smile. Espescially if they’re toothless. So that, or the Barber Shop.