A few months ago I saw an eBay item for sale in Australia titled “Pointless Unicycle Pizza Cutter” and thought it was the funniest description I have ever read and thought I’d share with ya’ll. Hope it puts a smile on your face like it did mine. I bid on it mainly due to the fact that I loved his description and after sending him a message saying how I enjoyed his humor and hope I won it, he wrote back “Thanks. I’m gunning for you. I don’t know who kristy.fleming is but I hope you win instead of her! All the Kristy’s I’ve ever known have been unpleasant.” Ha! Unfortunately she won it. 
Here was the description:
This brand new unicycle pizza cutter is up for sale as part of my mission to clear my kitchen’s second drawer of useless implements I’m never really going to use. It was a gift which makes me feel bad, because flogging something on ebay for 1 cent is probably way more frowned upon than re-gifting. The thing is my girlfriend tells me pizza is really unhealthy, so I’m trying not to cook it much any more. Then when I do cook it I just cut it up with a knife because if I used the unicycle pizza cutter the fun-loving monkey in my brain would encourage the unicyclist to ride in a haphazard zig-zag fashion, which would result in jagged, uneven pieces which no one would really appreciate.
I remain a bit conflicted though, because I don’t know whether to believe my girlfriend or Healthy Harold (the giraffe from the Life Education Centre) when it comes to the healthiness of pizza. When I was about nine Healthy Harold taught me all about the Healthy Eating Pyramid and I came to believe that pizza was pretty much the perfect food. Down the bottom of the pyramid were breads, grains and cereals, which is what the base of my pizza is made of. The next layer of the pyramid was fruits and vegetables. Likewise my pizza’s next layer has things like tomato, onion, capsicum and occasionally even some pineapple (despite all my foodie wanker friends blabbering on about how pineapple has no place on a pizza and when they were in Italy they went to this tiny place in some back alley where they had the most ammaaazing pizza which only had tomato and a single pristine leaf of basil picked by a ninety year old nun on it). The meat, poultry and fish group is next on the pyramid and also next on my pizza, with a scattering of ham, prawns or if I’m feeling retro, cabanossi. Also on this level of the pyramid is the dairy food group, so I top my pizza off with some cheese, completing what I can only regard as a completely balanced meal. It doesn’t even contain any of the “bad” things at the top of the pyramid like Wagon Wheels, Space Food Sticks and deep friend Mars Bars.
While my girlfriend is really smart, a lot of my fundamental understanding of the world has come from Healthy Harold and everything else he has said turned out to be true. Girls are anatomically different. Smoking is really bad. Binge drinking does make me throw up on my shoes. I just don’t know what to think any more.
If you still believe Healthy Harold you should probably just keep making pizza and maybe buy this so you can cut it up all professionally. Please also check out my other things. Despite the fact I don’t really need them, they may make your life better.
