Give ME a “break.” You’re so cynical! Thor, the character in your avatar, would not be such a cynical person. If he were, he’d still be riding a plain log or something (whatever came before the wheel). 
Also let it be known that some of us were using handles for years before Kris put one on the market. Most handles were handmade or custom made, though, before KH, Nimbus and Coker offered theirs. My old Coker has a Wyganowski handle on it. On a 36", the handle is to help support your weight while riding. Me, at least. And with a Schlumpf, the handle is also a great help in steadying the forces as they are applied to the pedals. My first long ride on a Schlumpf 36" (Unicon XIII Marathon race) was without a handle, and that was much more difficult!
To this day, I’ve only used handles (handlebars) on 36ers. Maybe some day I’ll try a short one on my Muni, but mostly I don’t feel the need.
Nimbus and KH are both top brands. Kris and Roger Davies have often collaborated on their designs and developed many things together.
I think you re experiencing the general heaviness of the 36" wheel. Until recently, all 36" tires were quite heavy, and of course, as a wheel gets bigger, it will feel even heavier due to the amount of force needed to change its speed.
I sometimes do something in a similar vein; if I see a bicyclist coming the other way, and the person is riding no-handed, I’ll often say something like “That’s crazy, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Of course the prerequisite to this is having both of my hands on my handlebar. How do people react? I basically don’t know, because they’re going the other way but I imagine it would be something like “Whatever, weirdo”. 
For the OP, any 36er should do for flat, paved juggle-riding. You definitely don’t need a splined axle or exotic materials. My Coker, which I got in 2002, is still going along fine on its original, narrow hub. In fact, my 45", from 1982, is still rolling on its original, cottered hub (and cranks)! It doesn’t get ridden very much anymore, since 2002. Except for parades, where it’s a much better vehicle than a 36". It’s hard to do pirouettes on a 36". 