I’m dead and its really putting the skids on any action I get with the ladies. the chick in the next plot over is alright and pretty hot on me, but she died in an industrial accident and is missing her right leg, not to mention the dent in her skull, and i’m just not into that fetish stuff. All I want is a nice woman with an intact skeleton who isn’t completely freaked out by the total pitch blackness and who cares about nature. Oh and she should at least remember what a pina colada is.
I’ve been picked clean so i’m picking your brain,
Dead and Confused
I’m not sure whether you’re accusing me of stealing it from YOUR brain, or accusing HIM of stealing it from your brain, or suggesting that maybe you stole it directly from MY brain…
In any case, if you are bothered by thought stealing, well, it’s a free country, and as of yet there is no law against thought stealing. Perhaps a civil action is called for.
Billy
PS I apologize, but the problems coming this way are truly beyond my capacity. I’m hoping someone from my team can join in to assist. Someone must have had experience helping a dead man [as the Rolling Stones song says:] ----.
I have to answer peoples’ questions acurately and completely. I find it difficult to lie to mislead them for fun. I also have to answer everyone’s questions but only if I know the answer for sure. I would like to be able to make up answers and lead them down fruitless paths but can’t. Should I take mood and perception altering drugs or just shoot myself.
Your humble and obedient servant,
-John Childs
(Please ignore the fake username by the fake avatar in this post.)
You are making this harder than it needs to be. You need to discover the world of online message boards. Rather than think thru people’s questions and come up with an accurate and wise answer, I merely post the question on an online message board. I have found that there are a world of people out there who like to mind other people’s business (not just you and me). Many will answer the question, and I just pick the one that sounds best and send it to the newspapers. I have cut my work day down to ten minutes.
I steal thoughts out of smart people’s heads and insert them in dumb people’s heads. I enjoy watching their face light up when they think they’ve had a brilliant idea (perhaps for the first time in their lives).
Got a problem. I’m a decent, underpaid hardworking county coroner. It’s important that my family eats meat at least 3 times a week. But we can’t afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper…and TA-DA!!
The Whole family thinks my new meals are delicious.
They ask me what’s my secret. Abby, I think they are getting suspicious. My smart ass 8 year old keeps asking, “Where’s all the meat?” “The red dye #2 kind that’s kept in the fridge.” If they found out the truth I don’t think they’ll understand. Abby, what do I tell my family?
What is the most effective way of wiping your nose whilst unicycling? As soon as i get going i have problems with my nose. I try to wipe it on my sleeves but this just leaves me with the problem of snotty sleeve. (not good, especially if you get sweaty head too and, like me, resort to the natural instinct of wiping your forehead with your sleeve which leads to … well, i’m sure you can guess). The “one-fingered speed blow” can be quite effective but your have to have damn good aim to avoid hitting other unincyclists, pedestrians, small dogs, etc. Are tissues the only answer?! I don’t like them as the only recepticles you have for them on the go are either up the sleeve (snotty wrists…never pleasant) or in the pocket (and the looks you get scrabbling in your pockets hunting down soggy tissue with a bad case of nasal eruption are just not not worth the social awkwardness)
Please help as i am almost at the point of considering plastic surgery to block up the offending articles.
I suffer AAAA-MPS-AA (Anonymous Alcoholic with a Abnormal Asynchronous Multi Personality Syndrom Along with Ambition Alergy). In brief, the different peronalities in my mind are constantly fighting each other, and I can’t live my life, so want to commit suicide. My doctor does not agree, but that’s because he don’t want to loose a frequent customer. The 2nd opinion doctor did agree. She already supplied me an euthanasia-pill. It smells really bad, and I’m affraid it tastes the same. I don’t want to have a bad taste in my mouth foreever. So, is’nt there someone who can tell me how they will taste like? And why aren’t there just euthanasia-pills with strawberry or cherry flavour?
