Reach The Beach. Doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons.

OK, so I’m an addict. Please feed my addiction. Really, it’s for a good cause.
Here’s the deal: I NEED to ride a century. I NEED to ride it in less than ten hours. I NEED to ride it on one wheel. 100:10:1 That’s the goal. On May 15th. I need your support. Well technically the American Lung Association needs your support. They won’t let me ride unless I raise $75. No $75, no century.
The American Lung Association will take the $75 and throw it towards the development of some whiz bang drug to fight lung cancer, or maybe to some smoking cessation programs, who knows, maybe they’ll even lobby to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. (Don’t hold your breath.) Who could argue with this? It’s not like I need $75 to buy the family tickets to the monster truck car-crushing extravaganza. Noooo! It’s for a good cause. Really. $75. That’s all.
In fact, let’s make it easier. $10. That’s all I ask. Just $10. I would ask for just $5 but the minimum donation amount is $10. You know, credit card processing fees and all. If I can get 8 people to donate $10, I’m in. Eight people donating $10 in five days. Piece of cake, right? $10. That’s all. The price of a couple fancy double mochas and it’s tax deductible. You can do it. I know you can. It’s for a good cause. Helping people breathe. Treating lung cancer. Cleaning the air. Reducing the incidence of asthma. Asthma in cute kittens. $10. Well, maybe not kittens. OK, cute kids. Ugly kids too. Ugly kids, wheezing, gasping for breath, sucking on their inhalers, need $10.
I’ll work hard in your name, for your ten bucks. I’ll sacrifice an entire weekend, drive 300 miles to Portland, wake up too freakin early, drive to Beaverton and then ride 104 miles to Pacific City. Ouch, my ass is going to hurt! Yeah, there’ll be scantily clad cheerleaders urging me on. But I won’t pay them any mind. I’ll be focused on Pacific City. There will be hoards of bystanders dropping their jaws in disbelief as this giant unicycle goes blazing past, a skinny guy with a blistered behind perched on top. My eyes will be glued to the road straight ahead. There will be people (2000 of them) riding…what are they called? duocycles? shouting encouraging words. But all I will hear will be the wind and the ominous sound of cars rushing by. Focus. Determination. Endurance. Aching ass. Oh, verily will I suffer. In your name. For the kids, and the kittens. All I ask for is $10. In advance. Paid with a credit card to the American Lung Association, to my fundraising account.

Here’s the page:

Haven’t you ever wanted to give ten bucks to that bum who is holding the sign that says “Why lie? I need a beer.” ? Huh? Haven’t you? Yeah, me too. But then I think “Yeah that’d be fun, but what a waste.” So here I am holding a sign that says “Why lie? I need to ride 104 miles. In ten hours. On one wheel.” So you give the $10. Not to me. No. To the American Lung Association. The last thing you should do is give $10 to a unicycle addict. I’d just go and spend it on a new Maggie for my KH 26. Instead that money is kept at a safe distance from me, the addict. The American Lung Association will spend it trying to stop cigarette addicts from smoking. How cool is that?

Go there. You’ll see some very polite, bland, wholesome, super lame milquetoast plea for money. Guess what? I didn’t write it. I bet if they saw this sniveling panhandling they’d probably yank it and replace it with the original “suggestion”. Go there. Hit the “Donate to My Ride” button. Skip the $50 button. Cruise past the $100 button. Be careful not to hit the $200 button! Select the “Enter an amount” button. Don’t feel cheap. I’m not asking for $200. I’m asking for $10. Enter $10. They won’t accept $5. You’d pay $5. The credit card company would charge $1.50 and The American Lung Association would be left with exactly diddly squat. They need $10. From 8 people. I need $10 from 8 people. (That would just about cover the Magura brake for the KH 26, but don’t reward the addict with money. Give it to the American Lung Association. Remember the ugly kids sucking on their inhalers. I used to be one of those kids. Think of the kittens. If we clean up the air (which, incidentally, would involve my driving, oh, about 700 miles altogether. Believe me, I see the irony. No, it’s not just a bummer, it really is irony.) the kittens will breathe easier too. But that’s just an accident.)

100 miles. 10 hours. 1 wheel.
8 people. $10. 5 days.


Damn you Jeoff . . . with your witty use of words and the timing of your request with a money whore-worthy picture too boot . . . .AAArgggh, If only I had thought of it earlier, but wait . . . . I’m not even riding a unicycle on RTB this year, and there is no forum . . . so I guess you do deserve some kudos for this and doing it with a Schlumpf with a recently discovered gear-changing hiccup . . .damn, you southern Oregon boys do like to roll the dice . . . and it will be nice to have someone who can properly sew us up on the ride when out tall bikes fall apart and we slice our selves up on the way down to the ground.

You’ve got my $10.
Spin those legs monkey!


Those are encouraging words. Yeah they sound nice. But I just checked the fund raising thermometer and the list of donors and Lo! your name and your money did not appear. What happened? I asked myself. There must be some mistake! Could it be that the Unicycle Bastards were actually taken over by zombies and forgot their credit card numbers? I believe it to be true. Are you riding a tall bike this year because now you are a zombie and have thereby lost your ability to ride a unicycle? Prove otherwise zombie fiend!

Nope, the zombies around here haven’t gotten me yet.
I went old school and gathered an absolutely huge pile of cash and checks form friends and co-workers and am delivering it to the Lung assoc. office myself for the personal touch. Also, I registered under my PG-13 unicycle name (don’t we all have a couple of aliases now in the 21st century)


I’ve bumped your thermometer, Geoff. Give us an inspiring ride. We look forward to the post-ride write-up.


I hope the ride fairs well for you.

EoinC and SpaceFMK,
You guys so totally rock! Woo hoo! Zombies would never donate $10. Nuh uh. I’m up to $60 now. Only two more non-zombie friends to go, then I’m in. (Gosh, I really dislike zombies.) Surely you understand the addiction and why it is so important to keep the money away from me. Yes indeed, give it to someone else. Someone who won’t squander it on a new Maggie. Yes, think of the kittens. Is there anything sadder than a wheezing kitten gasping for breath? You have helped prevent that tragedy. Oh yeah, and the wheezing kids too. The kittens, the kids and I all thank you. Some of us for the right reasons, some of us for the wrong reasons. I know you understand the wrong reasons.
Thank you for being my enablers.


You were at $60 when I checked, so I put in $15 to make sure you’d get to ride! Good luck, Geoff–I’m sure you’ll leave plenty of bikes in your wake.

As far as I am concerned, the sooner those kittens stop smoking Camels, the better.

So we know our donation was honored, we’ll need pictures of said blistered behind.

I’ll take pictures of the cheerleaders as well.

Best of luck! Looking forward to the write-up.

Bang! Nope, not even zombies could keep me from helping you on your fund-raising goal Geoff. Tho I think now - you are well over your goal. See you next weekend. I’ll be wearing 100% green and hard to miss. (True, yet little known fact that zombies can’t see the color spectrum green, making all green people essentially invisible to the undead shambling hoarde)


Too bad there isn’t the ability on the web site to allow employers to match funds. You’d think the ALA would have that wrapped up, it’s free money!

I didnt do it for kittens or the little kid with an inhaler. I did it for the big kid with an addiction.

You are such an over achiever. $15!! Above and beyond the call of duty. Thanks to you, I’m in! Yes!
Sorry to have missed the Lemurian this year. I wanted to but decided to go for a long training ride instead of the relatively short race. Maybe next year.

Wow! Three more to add to the list addiction sympathizers:
Brycer who I can now certify as being a non-zombie.
blueharmony who, best I can tell, has absolutely no excuse for donating to the cause in my name.
and maestro8 whose inherent cynicism I think I have resonated with. Either that on he just wants the pictures.

The latest tally is $155. Much higher than I expected. So now that the minimum requirement has been met, how about that fund for the Maggie? :roll_eyes:


You know if its Maggies you want, I have lots . . . . and . . . I do have a really sweet almost unused all black HS33 brake that is looking for a good home Geoff. Also have used and new red, silver and zombie-yellow too.

I just thought it was a great cause, plus I’m a native Oregonian and figured you could use the support. Reminds me of one of my favorite old Oregon tourist phrases: “Last year 1512 people in Oregon fell off their bikes, and drowned”. It’s worse here in the Seattle area. Let’s hope you stay upright! :smiley:

Thanks Kenny,
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for nothing more than a light drizzle with only a mild head wind. So far the weather report is looking OK. Hopefully there won’t be too many ducks blocking my path.


100 miles: 9 hours 20 minutes: 1 wheel: 0 UPDs

Details to follow.


Good job, Geoff.

The Camel-smoking kittens will be delighted…