A friend of mine was talking to an old roommate of his on MSN the other day, he made a comment about how ridiculous the conversation was. He later emailed me (and a number of others) a transcript of their conversation. It just keeps getting funnier.
Hey all,
well while i was on msn tonight, my good friend and former roommate is online and has a comment next to his name that states “anybody know anything about cars?” so, naturally, thinking i may be able to help i just started the conversation:
Jay says:
i know stuff about cars
uncle jimmy - love you says:
mine doesnt work
uncle jimmy - love you says:
i turn the key an nothing happens
Jay says:
nothing happens as in it doesn’t start… ok… is there even a click? it’d be sweet if you hear a click
uncle jimmy - love you says:
it dont know i didnt really hear one… my bro said nothing happened
Jay says:
k…
Jay says:
does anything else work in your car? lights? radio?
uncle jimmy - love you says:
nope nothing notta
Jay says:
k well then you’re battery’s either dead or toast
Jay says:
i don’t see what the delema is…
uncle jimmy - love you says:
ya… we tried to boost it but we might not have left the cables on forlong enough
Jay says:
does the radio and stuff work when you have it connected to a running car?
uncle jimmy - love you says:
i dont think so
Jay says:
…
Jay says:
you sure?
uncle jimmy - love you says:
not sure sure… the windshield wipers dont work… i know that for sure but i didnt try the radio and stuff
Jay says:
i’m just saying radio just like… basically is there anything that works when you have it connected to the running car, interior light, a dinging when you turn the key if it normally does… anything
uncle jimmy - love you says:
when i didnt have it connected to anything there was like a very faint dinging…but it was like very inconsistant and muffled
uncle jimmy - love you says:
when i put the key in
Jay says:
k ya thats cause your battery’s way way low, but did it ding a bit more normal when you were boosting?
uncle jimmy - love you says:
ya i think so…
uncle jimmy - love you says:
batteries can just die when it gets wicked cold right
Jay says:
ya
Jay says:
if it was really that dead that even lights didn’t turn on try to leave it connected to a running car for a good 5 minutes at least
Jay says:
let the battery get a decent amount of juice in it
uncle jimmy - love you says:
ya i dont thnk we left it connected long enough
Jay says:
but it really doesn’t make much sense that it wouldn’t turn over while you were boosting it
Jay says:
i mean when you’re connected to a car that is running you have access to full battery power from the other vehicle.
Jay says:
know what i mean? it wouldn’t matter how dead your battery was, when your boosting your connected to a known-good power source.
uncle jimmy - love you says:
ya thats why i was confused
Jay says:
your booster car was running right?
uncle jimmy - love you says:
it was
Jay says:
strange… well, try leaving it sit for a bit connected to the other, might help.
uncle jimmy - love you says:
k ill try that… it goes red on positve and black negitive on the boosting car … then just the red positve on the dead car right
Jay says:
what?
uncle jimmy - love you says:
for the jumper cables
Jay says:
no you need both cables connected to both batteries man, thats why there’s 4 clamps
uncle jimmy - love you says:
my brothers an idiot
Jay says:
red clamped to the positive on one battery, and the other end of it is connected to positive on the other battery. Black clamped to the negative on one battery, and clamped to the negative on the other battery
Jay says:
current can’t flow through the batteries if there’s just one cable connected to it
uncle jimmy - love you says:
ya… my bro was sure that you just do one on the dead car
Jay says:
thats thats retarded james
uncle jimmy - love you says:
hahahaha… we’re idiots
so ya, thats the end of it pretty much… This is a man… and not only that, TWO OF THEM!!! if you cannot boost a car, you should not be able to drive, in my opinion… anyways i thought it was funny.
catch yous later
JAy
A response from Jay’s mom soon followed:
Jay…this would be the same guy that let the basement fill up with water when he was home all day, right? And he said, ‘ya, I heard water running…etc. etc.???’
…anyway thanks for the tips on how to jump a car…my question is – does it matter what order you attach the cables…I’ve always been nervous about it since I heard you could blow up a battery in your face by doing in incorrectly…up until I heard that I was pretty confident I was on top of it…
Your Mom…
Jay quickly sent a reply back to his mom:
Hello hello mommy,
If you’re careful… it really doesn’t matter which cable you connect first… BUT there is a “proper” order for connecting jumper cables. Might seem confusing at first but it makes sense if you think about it. The rule of thumbs are as follows:
you always connect the cables to the dead battery first. That way if you should by accident touch the other ends together, while they’re dangling and whatnot, it will be less of a big deal since your battery is obviously low. If the opposite ends should touch when the cables are connected to the good running battery… you would get quite the spark.
once your cables are connected to the dead battery, the positive cable is always the one that gets connected to the “booster” battery first. Here’s why: basically the only visible point in your engine area that has a positive current is the + battery terminal. Negative current (ground) however, is flowing through everything metal in the car. Should you have your positive cable connected, and your negative cable happens to touch something, or brush against anything inside the engine bay, its no big deal at all! It completes the circuit and its all good. If you did it the opposite way though (connecting the negative first), there is a much greater chance of you going to connect the positive cable, and some part of the clamp touches anything under the hood. and then everything shorts out and there’s a big spark, the gas lines burst spraying gasoline everywhere and all over you. the spark ignites the gasoline and you freak out and jump up and bash your head on the hood above you. You get knocked unconscious and burn to death. Torso is in, and legs are hanging out, of your engine bay. The parking lot becomes a frenzy with frantic people running around, but ultimately they are helpless and dismayed. The ferocious inferno is too hot for them to get close enough to aid. One keen bystander happens to find a 400 foot garden hose attached to the side of Wal Mart. He grabs it and runs out to the site and begins spraying the tarnished black Forrester. He does not realize however, (as very few Wal Mart folk would) that water spreads gasoline around, rather than dousing the flame. He would have been better off with 400 boxes of baking soda. The water spreads the accumulating pool of gasoline everywhere and all over the crowd. People are now on fire… and since the wal mart culture of shoppers requires as little thought put into everyday actions as possible (walking, speaking, keeping your mouth closed rather than hanging open in an awkward mentally challenged type of way as you browse the aisles) they don’t stop, drop, and roll. they just run everywhere, back into the store, out in the street, into the grassy fields, into vehicles, the tony romas, you name it. Flaming people are everywhere. The entire south end burns down. Everybody dies. End of story.
if only you had connected the positive cable first…
Love JAy
