I, UnicyclistJoe, thought I might enlighten the masses with a handy piece on how unicycling should not be executed. Feel free to follow along with my step-by-step instructions.
Select a likely looking log on the waterfront.
Survey the log, checking for bumps and dips that could potentially throw you off.
Climb onto one end of log, put unicycle underneath you and proceed to focus mentally.
Once focused mentally, mount your trusty unicycle.
Ride forwards slowly, keeping your balance and using your arms to control side to side leaning.
Halfway along, start to swerve slightly from side to side.
Get to the stage where you don’t like what’s going on, so you decide to dismount.
Dismount, and try to grab your unicycle.
Miss your unicycle, then turn around to watch it tumble in slow motion over the 3M drop into the harbour (next to your carefully selected log).
Panic and then breathe a sigh of relief as it floats.
Start removing clothes and shoes and protective gear.
Remember that you have a paralysing fear about jumping into water from above a few metres. Pull the fingers at the people hassling you.
Climb onto a nearby barge, and leap into water. On impact, realise how damned cold it is. Gasp a few times.
Swim & retrieve unicycle.
Clamber up side of barge, dripping and freezing. Be sure to parade around in the sun in your wet undergarments.
Put clothes back on, and ride home dripping. Smile when people stare at the wet patch on your ass and crotch areas.
What a beautifully written account. Our awkward failures are the ones we would sometimes most like to see on video. We only get to describe them in words. Thanks.
Well, it wasn’t any 3-4m thingie…It had just rained and I ride into a ditch thinking it was a small puddle. Suddenly the ground vanishes from under my feet and I’m taking a cold, muddy bath…No pics of the actual thing
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing, Joe. Your writeup is even better than a video would be!
BTW, you were lucky, that you were on a trials. I know three unicyclists who can proof that freestyle-unis do NOT float!
*During the parade at the European Juggling Convention in Rotterdam my uni fell into a “gracht”. I had thrown it about 3m onto the lawn, next to the street. But the tyre bounced and the uni rolled and tumbled 6-8m down the very slight decline towards the canal and splash! Luckily, the water was only 50cm deep, so I pulled up my sleeve and rescued my poor uni. :o
Should have been for an action-photo, but the camera was blocked!
*A friend tried to idle on the rear platform of a treadle-boat… The water was clear and warm and only 2m deep…
*Another friend rode along Danube-Canal in Vienna. There is a wide asphalt-path along the canal with a 2m drop into the water. So lots of space for unicycling… While riding one-footed, he tumbled and the uni shot out underneath him and skid towards the Canal and into the dull water. Remember: freestyle-unis do NOT float!
Some weeks (!) later, water-level was low enough to spot the sunken uni, if you knew where it should rest! He managed to throw a kind of hook, tied to a rope, between the spokes and pull out the uni. The crowd was cheering!!
