Quick story: Some 30 years ago, Mom and Dad helped put a young Korean man through medical school and the man has remained a very close family friend through the years. Dad met him and his family for the first time about ten years ago during a business trip to Korea but I have never formally communicated with him. We just received an email address from him so I’d like to send him an email.
He is probably some fifteen years my elder. I don’t want to offend him so I’m wondering if there is a etiquette in his culture that I need to know about. Would it be okay to address him by his first name in the email or should I address him as Mr. <lastname>? He is fluent in English so I’m sure he’d understand either way. Thing is, I’d love to be more informal as he is a friend but, as this is my first email to him, I’d like to be sure.
Bruce,
My advice would be NOT to address him using his first name. Although many Koreans understand Western culture having someone address them by first name especially a junior or someone they don’t know well just doesn’t sit right. Call him Mr. ~. Addressing him as Mr. with his last name might seem as if you are being formal or distancing yourself according to Western standards, but it is not so with Korean. Many of my closest friends I still address as Ms. ~ or some other relationship name like their name with the Korean equivalent of “sister” attached to it. I would never just use their first name if they were my senior.
I also want to add that the older Korean generation is more sensitive to using first names without any sort of title added than the younger generation. (The “younger generation” being teens and twenty somethings who have grown up with the internet and become more relaxed with certain language traditions.)
If he is 15 years your senior and you are 46, I would say using his first name is not something you would want to do unless your relationship is one where you could add his first name and “hyung” after it. Hyung being the equivalent of elder brother for two men. I’m sure Dr. Kim would be best for your initial email and even forever if you choose.
I’ll bet he will be thrilled to get an email from you. The power of the internet is astounding.
Not sure I follow the uncle connotation, unless I missed the funny. Sorry if I did. He’s not related in any way. And, yes, I’ve got the name part correct. His family name is Kim.
Because I stayed a bit formal in my first email to him, I double checked the spelling and grammar to make sure it was correct.
That doesn’t matter. As Korean culture is highly influenced from Confucianism, relationships are very important.
senior to junior (elder brother to younger brother, boss to worker, parent to child etc)
male to female (husband to wife, brother to sister, etc)
etc… Koreans often use the general term “uncle” (ajoshi) to address a senior male under certain conditions. It is not the same term uncle (kun aboji, samchun, komobu, etc) one would use for a blood relative or relative by marriage. Using titles or relationship words like the general uncle allows people to address each other without using first names which is not acceptable especially for a junior to a senior.
The best way to address him now is to use his sir name with his title, dr. As I mentioned before, it in no way distances the relationship.
Uncle would probably be the culturally right thing to use in Asia.
But since you aint sure, Dr. or Mr. should do.
It also depends on whether he was an equal to your folks, then he is above you in the pecking order. But being 15 years younger, you’ll be at the bottom anyway.
Is there any other term to show respect. In India, one adds a ‘ji’ after the name to show respect (would it be ‘san’ in Japanese?) Korean??
Korean uses “sshi” or “nim” after the person’s name as it is the somewhat the equivalent of Mr. or Ms. but even with this, first names are better avoided unless you know what you are doing. You can’t go wrong with the Western Mr. or Ms. (or Dr.) and a surname. These Western titles are even used when speaking Korean among Koreans.
interesting question!
it happens that I have a similar problem when people from a US background are calling me on the phone:
-first they adhere to american etiquette and try to call me by a first name … except that they get it wrong the “first name” in my official name is NOT my first name ! (that’s a local custom that puzzles even other french people) … So my real first name appears as what is called in the U.S. “middle name” (but I do not have a middle name : again a confusion for ID papers!)
-then only people I meet on an everyday basis use my first name: friends I have had for 30 years call me by my family name (even my in-laws use my family name).
so while trying to be friendly they are just getting it wrong!
I am not offended … I am just confused… when people in a phone meeting use my wrong first name I just do not realise they are talking to me!
Who are the people on the phone? If they’re trying to sell you something, they could be trying to pull off the whole “I’m your friend, buy something!” thing. In my experience, people tend to be more polite in person, when they can actually see you (I cite road rage and the entirety of the internet).
Did I at least kind of answer your question?
Edit: Also, if people are addressing you as Mr. Last Name, then they probably won’t change that until you tell them to. I was always taught to address elders/superiors formally until specifically told to do otherwise.
no these calls are mostly from people of my company who do not know me.
they try to be friendly but miss the point.
it is really difficult to be in a global company: I myself commited some terrible mistakes when I was supposed to welcome people from far far away
(I tend to use some caustic humour that does not go well with many people).
Thanks for all your input and help. I was pretty sure that I needed to extend the courtesy of elder entitlement when addressing my friend from Korea. I haven’t heard back from him yet. I’ll be excited to have him respond.
