Yoopers Banned from Walmart

Jethro · July 19, 2006, 12:26pm

From a reliable source:

Dear Mrs. Edwards:

Over the past six months, your husband, Bruce Edwards, has been causing quite a commotion in our Rochelle store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Edwards have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Bruce Edwards has done while his wife was shopping:

November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.

January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

January 23, 2006: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.

March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”

May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! Sheila! It’s those voices again!!!”

And last, but not least, just today…

May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”

Whodathunkit?

joke

carsonpalooza · July 19, 2006, 12:29pm

I Knew It!!

sobriquet · July 19, 2006, 12:29pm

Nope, I saw it on snopes, it’s not real.
Although, I would consider it an honor to get banned from Wal-Mart.

Look at the very bottom, it is in white writing.

carsonpalooza · July 19, 2006, 12:36pm

see it must be true

DK1 · July 19, 2006, 1:17pm

I always knew Yoopers was a hooligan.

phil · July 19, 2006, 1:38pm

Do you believe everything you read on the internet?

I know; I was there when he did number 13. The look on his face still haunts me today, peering forlornly out from between the tweed shirts…

Phil

trials_uni · July 19, 2006, 1:48pm

That yoopers will never quit being a 15year old boy will he?..Lol i got that thing in an e-mail a year or so back.

JJuggle · July 19, 2006, 2:20pm

I know for a fact that in May Bruce snuck up on and gave old man Werbenmanjenson a wedgie right on the corner of North 8th St and Lincoln Ave.

tomtrevor · July 19, 2006, 2:40pm

hahaha, all of those are great. another good one is to fill up shopping carts and place them at random places around the store.

Goats_On_Unicycles · July 19, 2006, 3:47pm

Yoopers is so cool. He gave me so many ideas for next years Buy Nothing Day festivities! Thanks old man!

leo · July 19, 2006, 4:37pm

Those are so cool to know, these internal hidden messages!
I know several.

One warehouse had “Beatrijs floor x, Beatrijs floor x” to acknowledge staff that a bomb-alarm just came in.
The B of Beatrijs (a old-fashioned girls name) probably stands for bomb.
So I guess there are more fake-names going on.
I even know the extension number of the intercom.

And while writing this down I suddenly wonder if that extension is accessable from the outside or via some diverted phones inside the building.

skrobo · July 19, 2006, 4:42pm

nice, whoever really did that is my hero (not really,but its funny)

monkeyman · July 19, 2006, 6:50pm

Try to picture him actually doing this…it get’s even funnier

Goats_On_Unicycles · July 19, 2006, 8:30pm

Yoopers, You are my hero! You’ve got a wicked sense of humor!

yoopers · July 19, 2006, 8:53pm

July 20, 2006

Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

Dear Mr. Brown,

Thank you for your interest in my personal well-being and for the delightful letter to my wife. She was indeed quite surprised to find that you decided to take a personal interest in our family and share with us your thoughts and well wishes. She and I sat and laughed for hours at the delectable humor written with its pages.

As the Wal-Mart Corporation was founded on ultimate customer service, I realize that you only have the best in mind for me as a customer so I would like to extend my deepest appreciation for your care and concern over my shopping experience. I would also like to thank you for the fun that your employees generate during each and every one of my visits. Your employees’ reception of Wal-Mart’s customers creates a one-of-a-kind type of atmosphere in your stores, one that screams “Wecome to Wonderland!” and brings a smile to all but the frowniest people.

I noticed something in your letter however and I must ask a question. I noticed that you are the president and CEO of the Wal-Mart Complaint Department. The complaint industry must be the field in which to work as it seems you have seceded from the original Wal-Mart Corporation and formed your own company. Do you trade publicly and if so, what is its trading symbol on NASDAC as I must find a way to invest in your success.

Also as you can see, I am a man of many talents and unlimited humor. I almost feel led to consider making a lifetime decision to switch careers and would consider it a deep honor to be among the few and the proud and the funny, an employee on the Wal-Mart team. I can honestly say I would dedicate myself each and every day to the Wal-Mart customer to ensure that each one has as much fun as I have had over the years of shopping in your stores. Please forward to me an employment application. I can also say that my goal would be the top. Someday sir, I would wish to attain the ultimate in employment, the position of President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department, Inc.

Again, my dear thanks to you and the entire Wal-Mart team for my very enjoyable shopping experiences over the years. You are the light of my shopping days.

Sincerely yours and future Wal-Mart employee,

Bruce Edwards

john_childs · July 19, 2006, 8:56pm

I wonder what would happen if Jethro and Yoopers switched places in life? Who would mess things up more for the other guy?

Goats_On_Unicycles · July 19, 2006, 9:07pm

yoopers:

July 20, 2006

Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

Dear Mr. Brown,

Thank you for your interest in my personal well-being and for the delightful letter to my wife. She was indeed quite surprised to find that you decided to take a personal interest in our family and share with us your thoughts and well wishes. She and I sat and laughed for hours at the delectable humor written with its pages.

As the Wal-Mart Corporation was founded on ultimate customer service, I realize that you only have the best in mind for me as a customer so I would like to extend my deepest appreciation for your care and concern over my shopping experience. I would also like to thank you for the fun that your employees generate during each and every one of my visits. Your employees’ reception of Wal-Mart’s customers creates a one-of-a-kind type of atmosphere in your stores, one that screams “Wecome to Wonderland!” and brings a smile to all but the frowniest people.

I noticed something in your letter however and I must ask a question. I noticed that you are the president and CEO of the Wal-Mart Complaint Department. The complaint industry must be the field in which to work as it seems you have seceded from the original Wal-Mart Corporation and formed your own company. Do you trade publicly and if so, what is its trading symbol on NASDAC as I must find a way to invest in your success.

Also as you can see, I am a man of many talents and unlimited humor. I almost feel led to consider making a lifetime decision to switch careers and would consider it a deep honor to be among the few and the proud and the funny, an employee on the Wal-Mart team. I can honestly say I would dedicate myself each and every day to the Wal-Mart customer to ensure that each one has as much fun as I have had over the years of shopping in your stores. Please forward to me an employment application. I can also say that my goal would be the top. Someday sir, I would wish to attain the ultimate in employment, the position of President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department, Inc.

Again, my dear thanks to you and the entire Wal-Mart team for my very enjoyable shopping experiences over the years. You are the light of my shopping days.

Sincerely yours and future Wal-Mart employee,

Bruce Edwards

HaHaHa!

GILD · July 20, 2006, 3:52am

Harper.

yoopers · July 20, 2006, 5:09am

Mr. W deserved what he got! He was a disgrace to the neighborhood…imagine, a decrepid old man running around with his boxer shorts hanging out the top of his pants like a common high schooler.

JJuggle · July 20, 2006, 6:22am

Yes, perhaps, but the crime took place in front of a school-full of impressionable grade schoolers, which, conveniently your map fails to note. You fiend!

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