My question goes out to those who are estranged from someone in their family: If all was forgiven (on all sides), would the estrangement end?
A Family Estrangement is a complete or nearly complete communication cutoff between 2 or more family members; that is, the two relatives involved are not on “speaking terms.” It ain’t that you simply been “out of touch” with each other for awhile.
In general, the estranged relatives know how to contact each other, so neither is considered missing.
The communication cut-off is maintained deliberately or intentionally by at least one person.
At least one of the persons involved feels that something the other person did, does, or failed to do, justifies the communication cut-off.
Relatives=parents, stepparents, and grandparents; children and grandchildren; brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, and first cousins.
Billy, having experienced such an estrangement in my family that lasted ten years, I can say that forgiveness is not a necessary prerequisite for the estrangement to end. External events can intervene that lead to reconciliation. I would say that in the case of my family genuine warmth has been restored but in fact true forgiveness has not occurred and may, in fact, never.
I can also imagine a circumstance where forgiveness takes place but contact is not reestablished.
I have an aunt (my mother’s sister) who left her family back in the late 1940’s. There were 10 children in that family, 9 are still living.
Some family members think the 2 oldest girls had some kind of disagreement 60 years ago. Nobody knows except those 2 and they are both about 90-years-old.
The estranged aunt’s only son was contacted about 10 years ago. That is when he found out he had about 200 previously unknown relatives. He has been attending family reunions and has become a member of the extended family. His mother wants nothing to do with her family.
The aggrieved party would say no. One of the guilty parties died before forgiveness could be achieved and the other, while recognizing the aggrieved party’s complaints, is not overly repentant.
The surviving guilty party would almost certainly agree, though from the perspective of one whose intentions were good and who believes mistakes so made do not require forgiveness.
My own recent conversations with the aggrieved party suggest that forgiveness is probably out of the question even if the surviving guilty party sought it.
Raphael need not ask me to forgive him, be repentent, or even register it in his heart; I will forgive him. If I required Raphael to ask for forgiveness, be repentent, or register it in his heart, then I would be a slave to him. (and Raphael may lack the capacity to be repentent, so I’d be stuck grinding an ax against him forever–uggh! Or Raphael may die before becoming repentent, in which case i’d be stuck with a terrible burden til my own death)
Instead, we can all forgive freely, and need not even tell Raphael we have forgiven him. We can free ourselves of the burden. Forgiveness can be a solitary act.
For your family, the aggreived party continues to grind the ax and has not forgiven the other.
You also said: I can also imagine a circumstance where forgiveness takes place but contact is not reestablished.
Please elaborate. Contact may not need to be reestablished, but the estrangement is over if contact is no longer blocked.
I “reconnected” with my father after six years of silence after I found forgiveness inside myself. He was never, and would never be, willing to admit he’d ever done any wrong. The onus was on me to reconcile the situation.
I think the biggest factor for even considering an end to the situation was realizing I wanted to continue the relationship… actually, I needed to… I had to realize that it just wasn’t kosher to turn my back to my father after he spent so many years raising me.
If one person feels no need to re-enter a relationship with another, I don’t see an end to any estrangement. Forgiveness won’t help if there is no will to reconnect.
I have friends who were abused by their parents, and I’d agree that estrangement is appropriate in those cases. Why stay connected to someone who willfully hurt you?
I have a feeling I’m going to get torn apart for this, or at least some “that’s sad” comments.
While not estranged from my family, I’m fairly close to being so. There is absolutly no reason for this. I just have no desire to talk to them or maintain any kind of relationship with them. It’s easier for me to just be out of contact.
My parents both died and since then I haven’t heard from either one of them. They just cut me off. Lots of money would probably fix this problem. Will you send me some?
No, this does not make us estranged. I personally do this myself, but by PM, when someone starts a thread asking, for example, what I think of global warming. I understand. Even if I didn’t, it’s easy for us to agree that he does not want to paritcipate. Participant consent is an important part of JC and other things. I personally would not want it any other way.
And thankfully, even without forgiveness or apologies, people can have a conversation at a family event, wedding, funeral, and possibly even be a resource for your brother’s kids, for example.
What I’m saying is: estrangement has severe impact; it means not being on speaking terms. It tends to get deeper that longer it goes on; it’s the one woulnd time does not heal.