After much exhaustive and in depth research it has been determined that within the species of unicyclist there are several subspecies.
Beginner: (noobius flailsaroundaloticus)
1.Characteristics: This type of uni rider can be recognized by the new beginner uni, red face, profuse sweating and claw shaped hand( from holding a fence or other support). Will often exclaim “did you see that?”
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Habitat: Driveways, tennis courts and basketball courts.
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Caution: if you should encounter one of these do not make eye contact. If you do make eye contact you will be regalled with a 45 min. recap of their latest 10 rev 3 sec. ride.
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Defense: Just ask them if they can juggle on that thing yet. You should be able to escape while they ponder the possibilities.
Flatland/Street: (urbanis hopsabunchimus)
1.Characteristics: Really hammered uni, concert T-shirts, scarred shins, and mismatched pedals. Frequently asks you to “Watch this”.
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Habitat: Parks, churchs, skate parks, and anywhere with rails, stairs, and concrete obstacles.
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Caution: Mostly harmless, but dangerous in packs.
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Defense: a double cheeseburger and 64oz. Mt Dew will usually distract them long enough for you to get away.
Muni: (mountaingoatimus lotsarocksipus)
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Characteristics: Super knobby tires, turtle like growths on their backs, and one arm disproportionatly larger than the other.
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Habitat: State parks, dirt paths, ski hills, and back roads. They will often envade other species territory to practice skills.
3.Caution: Generally a solitary creature, but they are constantly recruiting. They will try to convet members of other species, they are not selective.
- Defense: Retreat and throw powerade and granola bars until they are sated.
Side note: There is another branch to this species known as the downhiller (brakesus maximus) which has no ability to ride up hill. If you encounter one of these run uphill as they are terrified by anything steeper than the parking lot at the base of a chairlift.
Old guys: (badkneeimus ancientasuarus)
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Charteristics: Brand new top of the line gear, every bit of safety gear known to man, knee braces, fearful wife and children.
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Habitat: Culdesacs, driveways, bike paths, just about anywhere, their age and treachery enables them to infiltrate most other species territory.
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Caution: This sub species is especially dangerous as they lure others into thinking that if the old guy can do it so can I. They exude a false sense of security without letting you in on the pain and trials of the sport.
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Defense: Tell them that dinner is ready or work is calling, once again this should buy you time to escape.
Note: There is one other example of this species. Perhaps the most dangerous of all “The Unigeezer” he displays the characteristics of many other species, he convinces others to just try it, you can do it. If you see him just tell him he can’t do something, he’ll ride off over the horizon trying to prove you wrong. This should give you time to go to Ihop and ponder your unicycling future.
