My wife thinks I am suffering from unicycle insanity. And lately, I am beginning to think she might have a point.
I am 46 years old–last year, out of the blue I decided to try something I always wanted to do–ride the unicycle. I did a web search and I found an abundance of websites such as this one. I learned about all the brands, and even before I purchased my first uni (a Sun 26 inch–I stuck a KH seat on it), I began to feel an odd obsession with the world of unicycles. Once I got my wheel, I was hooked–almost like a drug. The feeling of riding (after thousands of falls, I did not, could not give up) was such a rush, such a feeling of triumph, that I felt (and some people said I even looked) half my age.
Of course I went on to purchase several unicycles–I love them all.
The problem now is that I eat, sleep, dream and think about unicycles 24/7. Yes, I dream about unicycles! Is this normal?
My family is annoyed at me because whatever the conversation might be at the dinner table, I always find a way to steer it toward the subject of unicycles. They can care less, but I can’t help it.
My daughter is furious at me because any time her boyfriend comes to pick her up, I always ask him if he ever heard of things like MUni or Freestyle, or if he’d ever like to check out one of my unicycles. She told me that lately he said to her “You know, your dad’s a nice guy, but he’s kind of weird–all that unicycle stuff” (note, my daughter’s boyfriend is a football player.)
My son is royally pissed at me because I sort of promised to get him an X-Box for his birthday–instead, I got him a Torker 24 inch. He sulks a lot, and he NEVER even looks at it and he certainly never rides it–guess who does.
My wife did not speak to me for a week because we were at a cocktail party, and the conversation turned to the presidential election. Someone asked me who I was planning on voting for and I answered in complete honesty that I had not given the matter much thought because I do not know the candidates positions on unicycles. Truthfully, I don’t find much of a difference between Bush or Kerry, but I did wonder which one of the two would be better for the world of unicyclists --and, perhaps more importantly, which of the two would be more likely to ride a unicycle? That’s the real question. If Bush wins, and I get another 400 dollar tax rebate, then I could afford to buy a Coker. On the other hand, to me, Kerry looks more like a unicyclist–he seems pretty sportive–I could imagine him riding a unicycle, and I can’t imagine Bush doing that at all–but, like I said, a tax rebate means “Coker Time,” so I’m torn. I started to explain all this to my wife’s friends at that cocktail party, and they all just stared at me like I was out of my mind. My wife supports Kerry, and she was totally embarrassed by what I had to say.
My Boss (a Bush supporter, by the way, who agrees with my wife that my political analysis is “weird”) is not pleased with my unicycle obsession. I ride my 29 inch Yuni to work–I wear a hockey helmet and gloves, and I am heavily padded–he told me that I was giving the company a strange image by showing up for work like that. For some reason he thinks its ‘hippyish’ even though I do not have long hair.
I only began to wonder if my obsession was going too far when I realized the oddness of the following;
I missed my son’s baseball game because I decided to put a Big Apple Tire on my Yuni 29 inch instead.
I rented Space Balls because someone on this website mentioned that there was a unicycle scene in the film and I fast forwarded through the whole film to try and see it.
I suggested to an English Teacher friend of mine that he should consider assigning Lars Clausen’s book to his class.
A policeman pulled me over for making a wrong turn–as he was writing the ticket, I asked him if he rode the unicycle–his answer was a blank stare. Then he forced me to take a breath analyzer.
Bicycles are starting to look strange to me–they always look like two unicycles stuck together–I never thought this way before, but it’s true.
My wife demanded that I “stop always talking about goddamned unicycles all the time” and as a result, I have almost nothing to say to her. Same with my kids.
I have secret names for each unicycle (I know, it’s creepy and sick).
I get really really crabby whenever I go for a day without unicycling.
I had a dream that I was at a special pagan church where they worshipped unicycles. I am ashamed to admit that in the dream, I participated in this religion–in the dream, I thought God was a unicycle–it made sense while dreaming, but when I woke up, I felt really strange and disturbed. (No offence meant to you religious unicyclists out there, I’m just taking about a bizarre dream I had…)
My wife pointed out that I spend too many hours a day on the internet. At first she was afraid I was visiting porn sites or chat rooms, but when she checked my browser’s history and saw that I spent nearly all of my surfing time at unicycle websites, she had a fit. She told me that at least porn was sort of normal–this, (meaning unicycles) was not.
Ironically, when I asked my psychotherapist about my unicycle obsession, he laughed and said that indeed it was normal, and that unicycling is very healthy.
No one else I know agrees with him. My wife thinks I’m crazy.
Which brings me back to the psychotherapist–I started seeing him because I used to suffer from depression–however, since I got into unicycling, you guessed it, I am no longer depressed. In fact, I have never been happier.
The unicycle is like an anti-depressant. Better in fact. But maybe the social oddities that I have picked up are like a side effect.
I don’t know any other unicyclists. So my question for all you other one-wheel riders out there is, am I alone in my unicycle obsession? Am I insane? Or do you (whoever you are) have similar enough experiences to think that these eccentric qualities come with the territory of discovering the joys of unicycling.
–Ted T.S. (wheelie_big_wheel)