A friend of mine found this post, and sent it to me. It was posted in 1992
by someone at my college. Well, I found it interesting:
begin quote----
Subject: UNICYCLE SLUTS
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Date: 1992-10-27 07:01:00 PST
UNDERGROUND UNICYCLE CULTURE
Being one of the very few people who unicycle regularly to classes here
at RIT, it gives me a special distinction as I speed past people. All
the people who witness my skill all gape and some of the more crass ones
shout, “doesn’t that hurt your testicles?”
I’ve been photographed for at least a dozen photography assignments
(they all probably got F’s), and I was a big hit in parent’s weekend. I
would speed toward them, and “realize” they were in my way, and turn
sharply around them. Heh heh heh.
But somehow I think I’m missing something. The only other unicycle guy
goes to night classes, and I’m here during the day. The skateboarders
have their own culture, as well as the rollerbladers and the dirt
bikers. But not for unicycles.
So I’ve thought what it would be like to have a Unicycle culture. Would
we have our own music, slang, and assorted unicycle chicks? I can
imagine how an exhange between fellow Unicycle ethusiasts would go:
Oh, freem, dude! It was schruluggy! I cranked my Uni to a twisty
but I crunched, man!
(Translation: Oh my! It was quite embarrasing. I attempted to turn
sharply on my Unicycle, but unfortunately lost my balance
and fell).
We would have our own industrial music for unicycles. Lyrics would go
in the likes of:
HYMN OF UNICYCLE MAN
Unicycle man glide in the night
Crankin his wheel 'cause it's right
Lookin' down below on a 12 foot Garaffe
The world's so puny, he's gotta laugh..
............
or something of that nature. With lots of synthesizers to mask the
lack of talent in the band.
But what we really need is the hordes of unicycle chicks like the kind
that hang out with the skateboarders. The chicks don’t actually skate
as far as I can tell, but that’s fine with me. The unicycle groupee
chicks could wear leather jackets, black tights, and have “Cure” tee
shirts just like the thrasher’s girlfriends.
But the ultimate would be a Unicycle movie. The touring bikers got
theirs with “Breaking Away”, and the rollerbladers got theirs in
“Prayer of the Rollerboys” (a real classic, like Star Wars or something.
Trust me, it’s the best movie in the history of the universe. No,
really.) And the skateboarders got theirs in all three “Back to the
Future” movies.
The awesome unicycle movie would have to star someone like River
Pheonix or some teenage heartthrob. The plot would center around some
basically good teenager who is just misunderstood. However his one
outlet in life is his unicycle, and when something totally bad
threatens him or his loved ones, he rides his unicycle around and
solves the problem. And he gets the girl at the end, too. How can
it not be a smash hit?
Perhaps part of the problem is that I’m not encouraging others with
my polyester shirts, plaid pants, wingtips, greased hair, and thick
plastic glasses. Mabye I should get rid of that HP-48sx calculator
and put on an all-leather outfit, dark glasses, and a German World War
I helmet. I would curse and snarl and make people uneasy to watch me
pass by. That would recruit at least a few aimless freshmen looking
for a role model they can identify with.
UNICYCLE NAKED
Derrick
–
- Derrick Williams Rochester Institute of Technology
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