Teste Talk: A boy's trials and tribulations

Okay, so this is a thread about testes and unicycling, so if you suffer from TMI overload, then consider this your early warning!

Testes, that bane of male unicyclists, and what is quite possible the stupidest anatomical design in all creation. Sure, having them on the outside serves a purpose, buy really, is there no better way?

I have ridden thousands of miles on a bike, I know crotch pain intimately, yet unicycles bring a whole new meaning to the concept. So I got testicle issues, they get in the way, then they get sore, rubbed raw, and it makes long rides and multiday rides a real PITC!

I have tried padded riding shorts, unpadded riding shorts, shorts with boy hammocks, no shorts :astonished: , numerous anti friction lotions and glide ons, all to no avail. The best short combo to date is a Nike Combat compression short, nylon Fox mtb overshort, and a liberal dose of hyperglide.

I have tried all the seats available other than the Flatfish (got one on order), no amount of foam trimming, repadding, or airifying has made any real difference. The best seat to date is my modified KH Freerides with a vinyl cover.

The biggest friction area for me is on the side of the testes where the sac transition into the thigh, this “web” of skin gets rubbed raw to the point of bleeding. It happens mostly on the right side, which is my “short leg” and also my dominant side. Yeah, yeah, insert punchline here :roll_eyes:

So I have a Flatfish in the mail, I hope this takes some of the friction away, though I’m a little skeptical, but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Manscaping? Yup.
Seat adjusting? Ad nauseum.
Conditioning? I ride often and regularly

So, onto extremes:

Has anyone tried tapping the boys into place? I’m thinking a stretch tape like they football players use for wrapping muscles.

Is it crazy to consider having them “tucked inside”? Some people are born with them undescended, so there’s gotta be room in there…

If a woman can get a tummy tuck, can a guy get teste tightening? Maybe I could plead that it’s affecting my health :wink:

Okay boy(girls?), have it, what’s working for you?

I have been using a groin guard to great effect. Very comfortable and keeps everything up front.

The one I have is designed for both cricket and martial arts. I think Americans call them Athletic Supporters and the actual guard part is called a Cup.

Quite comfy even under my jeans.

Just reading about taping your nuts into place makes me cringe. I would strongly advise that you use prewrap if you go this far. If you go straight for taping, you may end up deciding to leave it on for a while. :roll_eyes:

Man, are you really considering getting them “tucked”? Sorry, but even riding a unicycle in comfort is not worth it.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I’ve had the same issues, especially that sack of skin on the inside of my right thigh, but have kept it mostly at bay by standing and peddaling occassionally, and I ride in regular underwear and levis this time of year. YMMV.

Very thought provoking, however.

A novel approach. ( not for the uncommitted)

Just to warn you. I am a veterinarian by profession

I am thinking of a permanent solution to your concerns. But please forgive me if I don’t try it myself

Just come round to my office. I’ll be done in few minutes. And I promise you’ll never hurt your nuts again


Yeah, we were fore warned so where’s the pics NB? jk- the description is graphic enough!

Have you tried powders? Like Goldbond- tingles a little but is moisture an issue?

Boxers are no good, I’m a fan of snug fitting lycra bike shorts to keep the boys in place with a pad ‘chamois’ for butt happiness on longer rides and to smooth out my ‘lines’. Tens of thousands of miles on the *ike haven’t given me the issues you describe…

Sounds like radical surgery is required- however i suggest discussing with the lovely Mrs NB first. fatlazypig is on the same page.

piece out


I read this and thought, OUCH! If you plan on taping your nuts in place I sure hope you don’t use duct tape. :stuck_out_tongue:

Way to put a fine point on the nads Ben!
I too am excited about the flatfish option

Back to your question, it might be that an old and saggy scrotum might “tape up” easier than younger ones. . . .any thoughts out there on this theory?

This reminds me of a song that poses the question “can you throw em over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your $^#*# hang low?”


Oh, absolutely, saggy is what makes this a “now” problem, so I guess the lift option might be preferred to the “tuck” :roll_eyes:

I have tried all kinds of supporters, they kinda work, but then the support become as irritating as the problem it solves.

Flatfish, please, make it stop!

I think I’ll skip visiting the vet, I know how they handle that problem with male cats: Twist and pull!

Sing it: Do they waggle to and fro, can you make them touch your toes, …

Have you tryed super thin seats? My most comfortable seat is my kh slim with some side foam cut away

I too have been working on fixing this. I thought of a sling to keep the “meat and 2 veg” up in front. This actually works well although I haven’t found a permanent garment. I took an old pair of bike shorts, cut up the padding right at the base of my sac, the taint, if you will. Then I sewed in a spandex “cock sock”. I think we all (us men) pull everything up and forward before sitting on our unis, this solution keeps them there and wraps them in spandex to keep the friction with the side of the things and taint to a minimum. Unfortunately, the old bike shorts ended up falling apart but I’d like to make a more permanent pair.

Also, I found this http://www.aussiebum.com/underwear/103/jock%20white

It took forever to come in and I just received it, I see the company also recently released a Lycra, one piece in their swimwear section, I may try it. This company produces garments to place your package high and tight in front. It may not be as high as we need it to be, but at least the package is encompassed by material.

I have tried a spandex short with a built in shelf/hammock, the best was made by Sugoi:


The problem with the hammock is that it’s not tight enough, so then the edges create their own problems and the chaffing in one place is replaced with chaffing in another. I even tried to tighten up the hammock by restitching it.

The Nike Combat compression shorts work okay, they keep eveything up, but to do that I have a seam which seperates the gear from the legs, so I get irritation on that web of skin from the seam.

I wasn’t kidding about trying tape, of course duct tape would be a bit more permanent than I think I want, so I was thinking more along the lines of a stretchy cloth: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=stretch+athletic+tape

All of these tapes seem to be “rough” and so I wonder if they would just ball up with friction. The other thing about athletic tapes is that they don’t stay stuck, which is why I use duct tape for taping blister and cracks on my feet (hiking, skiing, running).

Is there something like a stretch duct tape?

Anyone ever use Kinesio tape? http://www.medicinenet.com/kinesio_tape/page2.htm

I think one of the problems is the cloth covers on some seats. This grips.

When I get pain in the gentleman’s region, it is not from “crushing” but from stretching or “smearing” of the skin - where the seat grips the skin and then my weight tries to slide it.

My longest ride ever was on a basic thin no nonsense Miyata saddle with a shiny surface, and this is still my most comfortable seat on any of my unis.

This would be an easy experiment: Wrap the front end of your seat with some Saran-Wrap or packing tape to see if the reduced friction helps.

For those of you with nylon seat covers, you could try spraying your seat with armor all to reduce friction. It’s going to make your seat slippery as hell, but it may help with the friction.

None of the ones out there actually keep the package up and forward, they’re just pouches.

I wouldn’t do kinesiotape, I use it all the time in my office and would NEVER put it on sensitive skin like that.

Which is why I use a ‘box’ as I said in my first post in the thread. Everything up front and stable… :sunglasses:

Here’s what I’ve learned over the years. It’s not a problem with my b*lls as much as pinching and rubbing of my sack around where it meets my upper thigh. I am quite happy with my solution, which I have been using for over a year now—I wear cycling shorts with an outer layer of board shorts in the summer and combat pants in the cooler weather. Not too original you say? Here’s the trick: Before I start riding, I pull the cycling shorts up to about my armpits. Hike my package up and out front as far as I can, then fold the excess bike shorts down over the outer pants. This seems to hold everything up and out of the way and keep the sack stretched out of harms way.
I too thought a “bananna sling” would do the same thing, but this method only adds another seam to rub the troubled areas.
Sometimes I have to stop every so often to tighten up my rigging, but not too often – maybe every 8 - 10 miles of road riding. I imaging it looks pretty wierd to passing motorists.
Very happy with it.

I wear coolmax type briefs under bike shorts, and it keeps everything safely out of the way and mostly chafe-free.

I’m a lot more worried about the bike seat pressure to the soft tissue cutting off blood flow. I can’t keep the pressure on just the sit bones, like bike saddles do. And even on the bike it can be an issue, thus all those cutaway seats. The KH saddle has a channel down the middle but it doesn’t seem to do much good…

Something else that occured to me is how humidity affects friction. I’m originally from California, but have been in the Southeast US for twenty years, so I tend to forget that it’s not humid everywhere.

How humid is it, well, we get as much rain as Portland Seattle, average humidity is 50-60%, a dry day is 20-30% humdiity, whereas in the Saratoga CA where I was raised, average humidity is our lowest humidity :roll_eyes:

So, is the crotch issue worse for the wetlanders?

I rode last night, 29er, KH Freeride with the vinyl cover, foam is trimmed at the “waist” to minimize seat width at the crotch. I did notice that the seam that attaches the upper to the lower does run right along my “rub zone”.

Does anyone know if there is a seat cover that has a more strategically place seam?

Since smearing and chafing of the skin seems to be a theme . . . . there’s this: for long rides (like 50-100 miles), I have had good results from taking a handfull (yes) of vasoline and smearing everything in my pony-sized swimsuit region with a good coating before the ride starts. The grease keeps everything lubed up and actually soaks the cycle shorts and shamois to the point that the saddle cover (I like the first generation smooth fusion freeride version) also gets pretty oily, minimizing the friction with the saddle cover. Since I ride with bars, the slipperiness isn’t so extreme that I slip out of the saddle.

I keep that particular pair of cycling shorts just for long rides as the vasoline now never seems to wash out of them completely and I leave an oil slick where ever I sit. Yay!

There’s this bit too: The wife found my vasoline quart jar with the man-sized handprints in it and had to ask just what I had been up to . . .