Snappy Comebacks 1

From the Spring, 1981 issue of the USA Newsletter: THE OTHER WHEEL, by
John Foss (one of my early articles)

  1. “Where’s your other wheel?”

  2. “Someome stole the other half of your bicycle!”

  3. “How do you get up on that thing?”

  4. “How do you ride that thing?”

  5. “How do you get offa that thing?”

  6. “What happens when you fall?”

  7. “How’s the weather up there?”

  8. “Hey, look at that BIKE!”

  9. “Fall down!”

  10. “Don’t fall!”

  11. “What happens when you get a flat?”

  12. “How do you stop?”

  13. “You lost your handlebars!”

  14. “Can I have a ride?”

    To most riders, this list needs no explanation. But to those that ride
    only in caves, or don’t ride at all, this is a list of a few of the
    things you hear from the general public when riding a unicycle. There
    are many others, such as “I HOPE YOU FALL DOWN AND BREAK YOUR NECK!” but
    the very most common ones I’ve heard are listed. It’s amazing that when
    you hear these things, the person probably just made it up on the spot,
    but after a while it seems like they’ve read it off from a list, and
    it’s not funny any more. And when Ted Wade, at last years’ NUM,
    approached me as I was practicing and rattled of three of these things
    one one after another, without even knowing who I was, I concluded that
    this was a national phenomenon, not just a local thing (we live about
    300 miles apart). It is time to do something about it. You have probably
    noticed this phenomenon, but never really thought about it. When you’ve
    heard one of these things, you’ve wanted to say something in return that
    lets the person know you’ve heard this fifty times gefore, but what?
    Some of these things are hard to think up snappy comebacks for. And so,
    I use the power of this nameless newsletter to call upon YOU! Yes,
    that’s you, the smart-aleck unicyclist sitting there reading this dumb
    article, to use your quick, well balanced wits, and get up and send us
    in some answers!

>From the Fall, 1981 USA Newsletter:


    Though few people here in Boone, NC know what a unicycle is, other than
    a "funny bicycle," I am still hit with the same old "uni"-versal set of
    remarks as everyone else who rides in public (outside of caves). In
    riding my unicycle around campus at Appalachian State University, I hear
    quite a few of these remarks from the dry witted students I pass on my
    way to class. Because I ride even when the sidewalks are covered in
    show, which is most of the winter, the most common remark I hear is,
    "HAVE YOU GOT CHAINS ON THAT THING?" to which I usually reply something
    like I DON'T NEED THEM, I'VE GOT ONE WHEEL DRIVE! But I also hear plenty
    of the other common remarks that John Foss put in his article, THE OTHER
    WHEEL, which appeared in the Spring '81 issue, so I always ride prepared
    to rattle off a snappy comeback at the unsuspecting smart aleck. Here
    are some of my favorites.
  1. “Where’s your other wheel?” – On my other unicycle!

  2. “Someome stole the other half of your bicycle!” – No, I found out I didn’t
    need it. (or) No, this is all I could afford. (or) No, it was reposessed!
    (or) No, James Watt mistook it for a tree!

  3. “How do you get up on that thing?” – Step down off my taller one!

  4. “How do you ride that thing?” – Recklessly (then I swerve and
    almost hit them)

  5. “How do you get offa that thing?” – Fall on a smart aleck! (or) Parachute!

  6. “What happens when you fall?” – I DON’T! (or) I try to land on the nearest
    smart aleck. (or) I toss out my parachute.

  7. “How’s the weather up there?” – Peaceful! (or) Partly cloudy with
    scattered old jokes!

  8. “Hey, look at that BIKE!” – It’s a UIKE! (or) Hey, look at that fool who
    doesn’t know what a unicycle is!

  9. “Fall down!” – Why don’t you fall up? (or) Only if I can land on you.

  10. “Don’t fall!” – Don’t you, walking can be quite dangerous when you aren’t
    used to it! (or) Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to lower myself to your level.

  11. “What happens when you get a flat?” – Then I’m limited to riding on
    tightropes and railroad tracks! (or) I keep a spare in the trunk.

  12. “How do you stop?” – I run into a smart aleck!

  13. “You lost your handlebars!” – No, you’ve got the joke wrong, it’s YOU LOST
    YOUR OTHER WHEEL! (or) No, they’re invisible!

  14. “Can I have a ride?” – Can you climb?

    This was brought to you as a service from the Unicycle Information
    Center, Rocklin, California.

John Foss, President International Unicycling Federation

Re: Snappy Comebacks 1

> 14. “Can I have a ride?” – Can you climb?

When I was a wild teenager and some kid asked me for a ride, I gave them one–on
my shoulders. Some loved it. Others nearly wet their pants, but then some unic
riders would consider that an opportune time to slip a foot off one pedal or
start riding backwards screaming, “Help! I’m falling!!!” Not me, of course :slight_smile:
(Please keep in mind that this was in my irresponsible days 20 years ago and is
not a practice I follow in my current irresponsible days ;->