It seems more likely she was just drunk than roofied. Apparently if she gets drunk, she loses inhibitions and can forget about you and your feelings. When she sobers up, she remembers you and only then feels bad.
Has she learned a lesson and is better for it, or just exposed a side of herself that will always be there?
Personally, I’d rather be with someone who remembers me all the time and doesn’t get into situations like that.
If it was consensual I don’t think you should be mad at the other guy. By nature you will be anyway… but since you don’t even know him, he was just a guy looking for some action. She allowed it. It’s a pretty standard practice. Especially at parties with drugs/alcohol. Some people choose not to be in on that scene, pretty much for these kinds of reasons.
If you do go to that party on Saturday, consider that with drinking/drugs no one there will be as rational as they are when they’re sober. Even without drugs/alcohol, you’ll all be pumping your own chemicals.
She hits him, he pushes her, you hit him… the crowd wants a fight… Someone ends up at the hospital or in jail.
He makes a comment to you, you hit him… the crowd wants a fight… Someone ends up at the hospital or in jail.
blah blah blah… Someone ends up at the hospital or in jail.
Consider this. If you have feelings for your girlfriend, it’s hard to let go. Physically, you’ve been high because of her for the past few months. It would be hard to let go. If you met another girl today that was everything you ever wanted and she was totally into you, would that sway your decision? You wouldn’t have to go through the withdrawal of your girlfriend… at least not as much. There’s probably a girl out there almost identical to your girlfriend… the only difference is she didn’t cheat on you. Which one would you rather be with? Can you find this other girl? Do you want to?
Exactly, that’s why I didn’t really delve into the spiking thing too much, and she has pretty much said it’s not a possibility now and that she was just extremely drunk.
Your first paragraph is a good point - I am going to bring that up when I talk to her.
I’m def not going to the party on Sat now - I know I couldn’t handle it.
Yes, if I met someone else today that was totally into me, it would definitely sway my decision, but before I did anything there I would need to have a damn good talk about her past relationships, why they had ended, and get to know her pretty bloody well.
oh another thing, i hate when the guy wants beat up the guy whos bangin his gf, or vice versa. its retarded. now of course your gonna get angry when you find out something like that, and all kindsa crazy feelings are going through your head. but going after who she cheated on you with isnt worth it all. it will solve nothing.
it takes 2 peoples decisions to have sex, its not like he mind controlled her. you may say well thats not true, because if the other dude wasnt in her life none of this would have happened. but it would, just with a different dude…
unless of course he really did spike her drink and rape her, then he deserves to have his ass kicked.
I hate it when people say that too… But that was until it happened to me.
And don’t worry, I’m not about to go and do it, coz I’m far too small and would most likely get my arse kicked harder in return.
And from what you’ve described, and the fact you are even having to discuss this with other people, it’s clear it wouldn’t be easy for you to move on to someone else. You’ll still feel terrible about letting her go. If you do move on, you don’t have to dump her hard. You could still try to be friends of sorts. She made a big mistake, and wishes she didn’t.
By the way man… sorry this is all happening to you. It makes me feel awful reading about it… I can only imagine the real thing.
If my wife or over 10 years ever messed around, we’d be absolutely done. I couldn’t deal with it.
Yeah, it’d be hard to move onto someone else not knowing their past, I honestly think I want to tell her to get lost, but there is just something inside me questioning if that is the right choice, but also something questioning if it’s the wrong choice.
I never thought it’d happen to me, it’s so much different until it does… If a mate had’ve said the same situation to me, I’d tell him to tell her where to go, and I’d never speak to her again.
10 years of life shared, commitment, shared responsibilities, and an exchange of vows for life make that sentiment understandable. A rather different scenario from the one that opened this thread.
I wonder if just keeping a bit of distance from her for a while would help. Maybe don’t really tell her any decision. See how it feels not spending your usual amount of time together. I’d think she’d be respectful of your space if you say “I just need some time.” What does she then do? Her decisions and behavior might drive the decision you make later. In my opinion you need to get through the “love withdrawal” before you can really make a good choice. Seems like that would take a couple weeks.
I bet just about everyone here knows the “I just feel so empty” feeling. It sucks. Hang in there bro! Get pissed and go ride your uni! You’ll probably make some good progress.
I am off to get loose Friday night at a mates 21st - Just gotta hope I don’t break down like I do when someone dies… I’m feeling the same way.
I went for a uni last night - the first time in a LONG time - When I got in my car to drive home I felt like my head was clearer… Once I hit home again, and jumped on the computer… It hit again… Maybe coz I was messaging her.
Assuming there was no spiking, or other stuff being done against her will, that means it was just bad decision-making. Basically the decision to get so drunk she can’t remember what she did. If this was a one-time occurrence for her, and she doesn’t want to repeat it (that is, being too drunk to remember), that’s a good thing. If it’s something she’s probably going to do again in the future, be worried.
Also be clear to her when you talk to her, that if you’re in a relationship it is expected to be exclusive. You appreciate her being honest (or should if you don’t).
In the end, you need to trust each other to be comfortable in the relationship. When stuff like this happens, it damages the sense of trust and it may take a while to rebuild, assuming you decide to stay together. Make sure each of you knows what the others’ intentions are.
Relax and have a good time at your mate’s 21st. Do you plan to get so drunk you can’t remember what happened later? It’s either okay for both of you or neither.
That was kinda mean, in my opinion. I mean, to say that “couldn’t keep her legs shut.” …
Anyway, I’ll give my girly opinion on the thread.
I think that she thought a lot about it before telling you the whole story. It’s not like “Oh, she should have told me at the first chance she had!” because it was not easy for her to tell it, obviously. So, she only found enough courage to tell you after some days, which is totally understandable. But, the point is that… did she drink the alcohol herself or somebody made her drink it? I mean, somebody forced her to drink? Threatned her to do it? Or she was there just partying and got drunk? And how old is she? If it was her first time drinking I would consider it rape, but if she already knows what happens when someone is extremly drunk, then I wouldn’t blame it all on him.
I don’t drink a lot. But I got extremely drunk once. I’m only 20 (the age to drink here in Brazil is 18) but of course I had already drank alcohol before I was 18… but anyway, this time that I got extremely drunk I made out (is that the right expression?) with a guy and I did feel really sorry the day after. I wasn’t in a relationship or seeing anyone, but I didn’t want to make out with him, but it happened. I was really really bad… I threw up a lot and I got a really bad hangover BUT the point is that we didn’t have sex because I can see when you know, this is coming. A girl can be VERY drunk but sex, for girls, is not like “Yay! Let’s do it” and bam, you know? Because if you’re not into the mood, it hurts! I think that she is probably very sorry about what happened but ask her if it was the first she ever got drunk and if she says no then you say “Oh so, you know these things can happen when you’re drunk, right?”.
If she was drunk and he spanked her and whatnot then she should tell the police, cause it’s a crime (even if she drank it herself). But, if she was drunk and she just know it happened because they were there on the couch and things just magically happen, I wouldn’t blame all on him. Really. And, I never drank that much that I’ve drank when I got extremely drunk because I know how it feels and that it sucks. Of course I drink, but only until the point where I can control my acts and walk! SO you may break up with her, but don’t mean. Just say “I think this is not going to work so we’d better end this now. But be careful the next time and don’t get so drunk because you may not just hurt yourself but hurt others.”
Thanks Rezzy.
She is 21, drinks regulary.
I have never left a relationship on bad terms, but this has never happened before.
I would end it mutually, but I can’t say I would be keen to catch up with her as a friend… That would be it.
I just need to think and hear what she has to say - to my face - on Saturday.
I’m back to tellin her where to go at the moment.
I tried to forgive her, but I never really did. What she did should have been a wake up call for me. It happened early in the relationship. Long story short: I wish that I had ended it YEARS earlier.
What I learned:
1.) I don’t NEED to be with someone who does that behavior.
2.) I’m far better off as a happy, single person than being in some messed up relationship.
3.) Investing time and emotion in a bad relationship kept me from meeting someone else who could love me, without all the drama.
4.) Life is short choose wisely.
There’s a chance for everything you just said. You should tell her to see her doctor and check if everything is ok and I guess that, if she isn’t on the regular pill, she took the morning after pill. Getting pregnant is not that easy today… but if she took the morning after, you gotta pray and hope that it works because it has a chance of 2% to fail.
