Should I give her a 2nd chance?

Off-topic
1

So I have been seeing this chick for a while [about 2 months] and story is as follows:

So, on Friday night me and a mate went to an Aussie Hip Hop show and she didn’t come coz she’s not into that music.

I caught up with her on Saturday when she finished work and spend the rest of the day/night with her.

Everything was all good, and I dropped her off at work Sunday morning then saw her again Sunday arvo.

I went round to hers last night and we went for a drive, when we stopped at a park she kinda looked at me and looked upset… I asked if everything was ok and she burst into tears… She had told me she went to a friends place on Fri night and got mega para and thought her drink may have been spiked [she told me on Sat when I saw her - she has bruises on her arm and didnt know how they got there]… And that she hooked up with someone… I then proceeded to ask how far they went and she said all the way…
At first I comforted her tears and asked her some more questions, then I think it must’ve sunk in and I went quiet and shakey and sh*t.

The story is there was only one couch to sleep on and she got on it was he then jumped on and it ‘just happened’ - I found out also that he went in with no dom.
No matter how drunk I am, I can control that sh*t.
If she can still remember surely she would’ve had enough control to say no?

I know she is sorry, and she said it wouldn’t happen again [she was balling pretty much the whole time], but I said what if you get that drunk and out of control again? She said she wouldn’t but I said you didn’t plan on it then either…
After a bit I dropped her home, I came home myself and went to my room and cracked a bottle.
I just have no idea what to do… Part of me is saying f her off and she can’t be trusted…

I am meant to be going to a party with her on Saturday night, and apparently this bloke is gunna be there… Not sure if I still wanna go or not in case I start something.
He is lucky she has claimed to not know his last name, or I have a crew that would mess him up well and good - or if he wasn’t too big I’d have a crack myself… But ARGH… This whole trust issue is there now… Yes, she told me…

Also, the night I first met her she wanted it off me - being the first time I met her I said no… So maybe she did initiate it? I have sent her a message asking if that was the case… If she says no then I still dunno… But if she says yes then I’m tellin her no deal.

2

So here’s a girl you cared for and you’ve presumably slept with, and she’s physically hurt and emotionally distressed, and she plucked up the courage to tell you at the first opportunity, and you’re worried about yourself?

I wouldn’t often call someone an a**ehole in this forum, but I’m coming pretty close right now.

She’s not a “chick”, she’s a person.

3

She didn’t tell me at the first opportunity…
She could have told me the Saturday arvo/night [where things may have happened between us], or on Sunday… But she waited till last night.
You will note in my last line she wanted it the FIRST time I met her, that’s a big thing for me… Does she always go out and do stuff like that?
And yes, it is about me, why should I take her back if I could possibly be f’d over again?

4

Well she probably doesn’t think so at the moment, but if I were her brother I’d be telling her she’s better off without you. Treat her like property and hit the bottle when she needs help?

5

And if I told my sister what she did she’d tell me to move on too.

6

No, it’s not all about you. You don’t have to be romantically involved with her anymore, but you do have to be a respectable human being in how you go about things. That is, you should if you ever want others to treat you like a respectable human being.

Someone in distress isn’t always going to act as you would expect (as in, tell you things clearly or right away). Clearly she’s been through a tough spot, whether or not she put herself there. Give her room to be human: to be scared, or angry, or hurt, and act in whatever way she needs to act to handle her situation. Everyone reacts differently in different situations. Why hold this against her?

If ever you expect someone to forgive you for something you’ve done, and remain your friend, you should do the same in turn. She might need a friend to show her through this situation, and you could be that person.

7

Thanks Maestro8,
I know it’s not all about me.
She is the one that said she’d give me some space if I wanted… I didn’t drop her home right away - we chatted for quite a while - she said she expected me to tell her to get out of my car and make her walk home… That’s not the way I roll.
I think I just need to get my head around it, and wanted an opinion of what she’d done from a few others on here.

8

Spiking someone’s drink and taking advantage of them sounds like a case for the police.

9

I’m going to back off after this post and see if any of the womens or fathers who post in the forum would like to comment on how you have reacted to the possibility that your girlfriend is upset that she was raped.

<<thought her drink may have been spiked [she told me on Sat when I saw her - she has bruises on her arm and didnt know how they got there]… >>

If anyone has sex with a woman and uses force or coercion, or takes advantage of the fact that she is drunk or drugged (whether that is by her choice or not) it is rape.

10

That’s if it did happen… She said she can’t be sure… She hadn’t eaten much all day before she started drinking so I guess getting ultimately drunk real quick is a likely scenario?

11

she said she didn’t push him away though, so she knew what was happening…
She said the bruises could have been from a fall… I have no idea what to think.

12

though call…

I am a sap… so I would probably giver her a chance…

13

I am a sap too, I just dunno.

14

honestly… you just have to make a decision… or you are just going to hang there in this limbo for a while…

Personally, I have been through a very simiar situation. I in the end, had to cut her loose. but not before trying to see if I could be with her without still having those thoughts in the back of my head…

turns out. I couldnt

15

True that.
I honestly have my doubts if those thoughts would ever leave my head… There will most likely always be that ‘wondering’ in the back of my mind when she’s out without me…

16

Not resisting is not consent.

She thought enough of you to tell you. After something like that many would just curl up in a ball emotionally and keep everything to themselves for fear of what others would think.

Give her another chance, go slow, rebuild.

17

yea posted something in ur visitor messages because i was asking something anyway.

18

According to a recent Australian study, getting “roofied” is only a myth. A study conducted analyzed the urine of 75 women who reported having been slipped a date-rape drug. The study found that exactly zero of them had been given Rohypnol, GHB, or ketamine. Almost all of them were extremely drunk, though. These studies are hardly infallible, and again I’m not saying it never happens, but all signs seem to indicate the most popular date-rape drug is sold legally at every bar on the planet!

So it sounds like your woman got too drunk and couldn’t keep her legs shut. Dump the broad. She’s wasting your time with her slutty crap.

Oh, and just for the record, a two month relationship is NOT a long time. It may be for you personally, but really, two months is no time at all to get to know someone. You’re better off finding a girl who won’t slut out on you and then try to play the victim.

19

+1

But in the end, if you love’er, forgive her and move on. Slips up again, its over.

20

Drinkng on an empty stomach allows all the alcohol to be rapidly absorbed by the small intestine and often leads to walking blackouts, strange bruises and injuries, memory loss, and sex with strangers with regrettable consequences.

I’m sure she feels terrible about what happened, and you feel hurt and angry. I had a similar experience when I was a bit younger than you are now. Met a girl that I really liked, went out for a few months, one night she got wasted at a very large nightclub in Minneapolis and disappeared for a while. The next day I found out she had sex with a stranger in the bathroom of the place. I’m angry and hurt, she feels terrible and swears it’ll never happen again. I forgave her and decided that we would stay together and move on. (But I never REALLY trusted her after that… ) Fast forward a few years: She and I are still together, I ask her to marry me, we get married, and its going well for a while. Two years into marriage, she sleeps with my coworker. I divorced her for that.

You will have to decide if you can deal with what happened, if you can move past it. Take time to decide if this is a person you want to invest a portion of your life with. Try to evaluate the likelihood of a trust-breaker happening again in the future. (Hint- if either of you are into the party lifestyle, its probably going to happen again)

This girl of yours may be a really good one who just made a mistake and put herself in a situation where she got taken advantage of. Or, this could be a pattern behavior which will lead to future problems.

Remember, you are only human and need to take the time to be human. If you feel hurt or angry, take time to be a hurt and angry human. Then, when you have a clear head, ask her about how SHE feels and REALLY listen to her. Do it when you know your emotions won’t get in the way of seeing things from her point of view. Once you understand how she feels, talk about how you feel. If the two of you can communicate openly without any negative emotions getting in the way, you can probably move on together and make it work. Right now, however, there is a “wound” in the relationship and it needs to be cleaned before it can heal. Cleaning out a wound is painful, but its absolutely necessary if you want it to ever heal. If the wound is not cleaned, it will fester and the relationship is doomed.

Just my two-cents. Good luck.