At school ive got to write a peice of creative writing on a memory i have had. So i decided to write about the time i first tryed to ride down a 15 stair (soon after i lurnt to ride srairs) and bailed. What i am asking is some help on possibly making it better, more intresting or longer. feel free to copy it into your posts and add to it in a different colour. Do what you want, use your imagination, cange it to make it completely stuped if you like.
Here it is
I was now all alone, shivering in the bleak light. The high stone canopy towering above didn’t offer much protection againsed the elements. Leaves tumbled across the hard rock floor with uneven gusts of wind. Weathered native carvings surrounded me, starring with unfriendly warrior expressions as though they were trying to force me out of the area. From here on, all was down hill. Like a grizzly bear in hibernation I had all the time I needed. After a lot of shaking, I decided to leave my shadow for the long drop into the sunlight.
In the distance, familiar faces were blankly gazing up at me. Slightly squinting from the bright afternoon rays. I was a hermit returning to civilization. I had to leave my surroundings at the top of this cliff. Finally picking up enough courage, I lifted my leg onto the platform adjusting my footing a small amount and pushed off lifting my right foot up. At first I was terrified but as gravity started to pull me down, the momentum kicked in. I was now at a point of no return. Even if I wanted I could not go back. It was very rough. Rough like the scales on the spine of a reptile. My whole body was vibrating in all directions making my vision very confused as if I were hallucinating in the bush. Only a short way down my footing was beginning to slip on this somewhat slippery surface. I was about to go down.
For a brief second everything was in slow motion. My footing came loose from the vibration and somehow slipped underneath the worn metal studded pedal of which offered no grip to this harsh terrain of scale like steps. I was flung forward into midair leaving my unicycle hurtling behind. I flew for what felt like the time it takes for a kauri tree to grow to fifty meters tall. Stumbling in midair over my own limp limbs I somehow managed to see the shock on my friend’s faces as they see one of there own falling at least three meters possibly to an injury. Suddenly everything went back to normal speed just before landing on the foot of the scales in a bone shattering thud.
After all that I was all right, until suddenly out of no where a blunt part of my unicycle came crashing down the stairs into my head. I can’t remember anything else after that moment. All I have to rattle my memories is a film of me bailing down the famous Hamilton fifteen stair on my unicycle.
This is the only sentence that gives me trouble in the whole story.
What is a kauri tree?
I mean if its for school and that is a common tree over there than thats alright…
For this widespread of an audience though it can cause problems.
It can cause a reader to get caught in that spot. You could have definitly done something a lot more people can relate to.
But the idea is that you should direct your writing to your audience.
Other than that it was put together pretty well.
Not my favorite style writing with the extreme description. But it was pretty good anyway.
My thoughts too. But I bet some teacher/professor will eat this up.
It’s actually pretty cool how a 3 second moment can be drawn out so long and with so much detail. And I felt like I was there. Nice!
To me, these last few sentences break away from the style too much.
They just seems to lack all the detailed description and drama. Since the writer is back to “normal speed” and the reader is suddenly learning the reality that this was a unicyclist riding down stairs, it IS different than the rest. Maybe this last section is supposed to be written this way?
Regardless, the word “bailing” seems too slang for me. But that might be regional. Maybe just “falling”?
a kauri tree is a native tree here in new zealand, they grow very slowly, tall and stright. back in the day loggers used to chop them down to make masts for ships as they are so long and stright. and because they grew so slowly they were very strong.
what he said
yep i will try to craft that a bit more, thank you
I agrre with muniorbust, you should change the last parapraph to fit with the rest of your story. Also, I think it would sound really cool if you waited until the last word of your story to reveal what you were riding, instead of the last paragraph. Maybe change the red underlined word to something that doesn’t reveal what it is?
But this is just the opinion of one person. Don’t change it because of what I said, just change it if you think you should.
At first I was thinking, “why isn’t he saying what he’s riding” and by the end I realized that it would be way more interesting to other people with the mystery.
Change unicycle to device or vehicle, and as it crashed down the scales instead of stairs yet…
Last line
As I lay there dazed, the sun glinting off a hint of shiny metal, alone in my agony, except for the stairs and my Unicycle