Need help righting and essay

Off-topic
1

could some one help me make a better essay I just can’t I really suck at this stuff Here it is and it on world war 1:

Nick. F.
World War I
World war one was a major historical event that affected many industries and the lives of many people. There were a number of inventions which led to the improvements of many things. The death of key people also played a very important role in historical warfare.

In the summer of 1914 Francis Ferdinand was murdered by the allies. After the assassination of Francis, the Central powers declared war against the allies. Once the war was declared France, Belgium and Russia began to build reinforcements such as trenches walls and various other obstacles to protect their countries. These countries were also inventing many weapons to defend themselves. In order to surpass these obstacles the central powers were also inventing several war equipment.

Many major historical events happened during the First World War. Many countries formed alliances to fight a common enemy. Today our country has new alliances because of this war. The signing of the armistice on November 11, 1918 is also a major event that changed the world forever.

During World War One there were many inventions. The tank was has caused a major impact in mechanical and historical warfare. In the 1910 the central powers fired the first tank to the allies this was the first significant marker of mechanical warfare. This was very important in historical warfare because not only could they fire missals from further away enemy Couldn’t pierce there shields.

The submarine was a major historical event because now the battle wasn’t only on the ground and in the sky it was in the water as well. When the central powers used the submarine to lunch and attack on the allies ship marked the beginning of aquatic warfare. The allies could no longer bring supplies to there troupes and thus causing great issues witch push them to sing the armistice.

Many major historical events happened during the First World War. Many countries formed alliances to fight a common enemy. Today our country has new alliances because of this war. The signing of the armistice on November 11, 1918 is also a major event that changed the world forever.

World War I was a major historical event. The many inventions that have been created as a result of this war changed our world forever.

Thanks so much for any help!:o

2

For one if you’re going to bother to remind people what started WWI you might as well include his title and not just his name. Also when you use someone’s name a second time use their last name not their first. That’s as far as I read.

Also if you want help with “writing an essay” you should start with the spelling.

3

Read it again very slowly and carefully, and check that each section of each sentence makes sense.

Examples:

“The submarine was a major historical event” - a solid object can’t be an event, you meant i guess that the first deployment of submarines in a combat situation was a major event.

“battle wasn’t only on the ground and in the sky it was in the water as well” - I believe people have been fighting in the water in ships for hundreds if not thousands of years before this.

You also need to add more specific detail, for instance “Many major historical events happened during the First World War. Many countries formed alliances to fight a common enemy.” could be applied to virtually every major war there has ever been, you might like to name what alliances were formed, and who was in them.

hope that helps.

4

You might want to mention that Franz Ferdinand was the Archduke of Austria. I don’t know if it is fair to say he was assassinated by “the allies.” He was assassinated by a member of the Pan-Slavist movement.(At least that’s what I was taught in school.)

5

It is odd how Duke Ferdinand’s assassination is always cited as “the reason” the First World War began.

People like their history simple and I suppose there’s also the victors write the history books element.

The seeds of war were in fact planted when Germany began to build the Berlin to Baghdad railway. Germany at the time had no oil producing colonies and the worlds navies were making the change from coal fired ships to oil leaving Germany lagging behind in the arms race of it’s day.

The first shots fired in the First World War were fired by the British in Basra.

It was the centuries first war for oil but thankfully, another century later, we’ve moved on from such nonsense…

6

Hahaha. Nicf should put that it in his paper. :smiley:

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is this in any wau better??

Nick. F.
World War I
World War One was a major historical event that affected many industries and the lives of many people. There were a number of inventions which led to the improvements of many things. The death of important people also played a very important role in historical warfare.

World War One was a historical event in it’s self because it was the first war of the century where each side was comprised of many countries. One side was the Central Powers lead by the Germans and included Hungary, Turkey and Bulgaria. On the other side were the Allies, Russia, France, Britain, Italy just to name a few. As the war progressed more countries joined into battle.

World War One officially started in the summer of 1914 when Franz Ferdinand the Archduke of Austria was murdered by the Allies. After the assassination of Franz the Central powers declared war against the Allies. Once the war was declared France, Belgium and Russia began to build reinforcements such as trenches, walls and various other obstacles to protect their countries. As the war progressed both sides were inventing and developing weapons to attack there enemy and defend themselves.

Some of the weapons that were developed in World War One were the tank, bombs of mass destruction, airplanes and submarines. Early in the war, the Central Powers fired the first tank towards the Allies, this was the first significant marker of mechanical warfare. The tank has caused a major impact in mechanical and historical warfare. Because it could virtually travel over any terrain and could fire missiles from very long distances, it also had an almost impierceable outer shell. This was revolutionary not to mention deadly, against foot soldiers because a gun and and a bayonet couldn’t stop a tank.

The invention of the submarine was a major historical event because now the naval warfare wasn’t only on the surface of the water but underwater as well. When the central powers used the submarine to lunch and attack on the allies ship for the first time marked the beginning of underwater warfare. This invention complicated the war because now the enemy was invisible and unpredictable. You could no longer prepare for battle as you saw your enemy approaching in the distance witch gave the underwater troops a great advantage.

The airplane also revolutionized warfare because is created a completely new battle ground. From now on was possible to reach your enemy’s camps faster and less predictably. An airplane armed with bombs could destroy building, ammunition depots and convoys in record time.

This war was a historical event because the world was now forced to unite in two groups for the first time. Before all the new inventions of this war, all wars were fought on the ground man to man. With the development of the tank, the airplane, the submarine and bombs, distance and recruiting the most men were no longer factors. Because of this war the size of your weapons is now what makes a difference when heading into battle.

8

“World War One was a historical event in it’s self because it was the first war of the century where each side was comprised of many countries. One side was the Central Powers lead by the Germans and included Hungary, Turkey and Bulgaria. On the other side were the Allies, Russia, France, Britain, Italy just to name a few. As the war progressed more countries joined into battle.”

Maybe try this

“World War One pitted the Central powers, consisting of Germans, blah, blah, blah, and blah, against the Allied powers: America, blah, blah, blah.Once the war began, other countries joind the fighting.”

I don’t know how to write a report style paper since I mainly do literary analysis and journalistic writing.

Maybe change “historical event” you over used it. I’d try to help more, but I have my onw writing to worry about

9

The submarine was used in the Revolutionary War.

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Have you been reading your essays out loud after writing them? You should get into this practice, no matter how silly it sounds. Some of your sentences do not flow well; they are worded or punctuated awkwardly. I think you might be able to catch these errors by reading your essay out loud.

Also, I’ve noticed you use the word “because” way too much. Try to remove, at the least, every other occurrence of this word.

These two sentences (especially the first) could be put into any paper. Perhaps you could be more specific? If this is the introduction to your paper, you should mention the specific inventions or people you’ll be discussing.

Do tanks fire shells? What does one use to fire a tank? I think you’re confusing the reader here. Also, this should not be one sentence; you’ve connected two complete sentences with a comma.

Whenever you start a sentence with “because”, you need to end the sentence with an explanation for the clause after “because”. Is the “impierceable” outer shell the reason why the tank could travel over any terrain? I didn’t think so… you shouldn’t be using “because” here.

The second sentence is missing some commas. Read the sentence out loud, and any time you pause, put a comma into the sentence.

What does a witch have to do with submarines? Don’t witches fly on brooms?

Seriously, this should be two or even three sentences. You’re cramming too many thoughts into one sentence with zero punctuation. At the very least, throw in a comma or semicolon here.

Now as in right now? Or as in then? When? It’s not clear.

Two groups? What two groups? When you use a number, you need to say how you came up with that number, or what it represents.

Again, you’re being unclear with what you mean by “now”. Unless you mean “right now” you need to be more descriptive.

My brain hurts.