Reading this thread made me think there’s a gap in the spectrum of races out there. To that end I propose a new event; the 20km British Muni Race.
The event basically consists of a start point and an end point, roughly 20km apart. Preferably one of these points will be in the middle of a muddy field in the middle of nowhere on a drizzly day, but this is optional.
Competitors must (obviously) get from the start point to the end point. The time taken to accomplish this is not taken into account; the race uses a “British-ness” scoring system based on point allocations by independent adjudicators.
Points will be awarded in the following categories:
Before the race
Punctuality. The race will be advertised as “xx:00am for xx:30am”; starting at or before the advertised time will lose points. Points awarded will ramp up after the start, then begin to fall again when the adjudicators start whinging about having to stand around in the freezing cold and rain for the so-and-so-s who are never on time anyway. This duration is at the discretion of the adjudicators.
Unicycle preparation. Bonus points for certain mechanical delays, again at the descretion of the adjudicators. Examples of point-gaining delays include bringing two cranks of different lengths, two left (or two right) pedals, or going in search for an allen key of a particular size due to being too lazy to rummage for the one which is right at the bottom of the bag under the squashed loaf of soreen and crumpled, soggy map. Boring delays such as seat height adjustment or crank tightening will result in points being deducted.
Choice of snack. Points will be deducted for fancy-pants energy food like gels and anything with “isotonic” or “sport” in the name. Points will be awarded for anything home made or sourced from the bargain bucket at the local supermarket, or anything totally unsuitable for the occasion such as expensive Turkish Delight.
Survivability of snack. Bonus points if the foodstuff in question ends up squashed into powder or unidentifiable mush before being consumed. Further bonus points if said powder or mush leaks over contents of bag.
Credible reasons for riding as little of the intended route as possible. Examples include “I thought we were following you!” or “I was too busy looking at <irrelevant distraction>”. The excuse “Another track looked more fun” is only acceptable if the fun bit turns out to be really short and leads to a several mile detour on roads or boring farm tracks.
Passing as many cake shops as practical. Visiting a single cake shop more than once will gain points only if the second visit was accidental due to, for example, looking at the wrong side of the map, or following navigational advice from someone who can’t be trusted to find their way out of a paper bag. (This rule is intended to ensure the race is open to all skill levels!) Cake shops that use doilies without needing to be asked score double points.
Stopping for lunch at a pub. Points will be awarded depending on the local beer selection, whether they have run out of that steak pie that looks so tempting on the menu, and the number of evil glares at the mud splattered all over their nice clean carpet and seats.
Saying “to hell with the race” and staying in the pub for the remainder of the afternoon is an automatic win. Being unable to then find the way back to the event location is an automatic win for the following year too.
The time taken to complete the race will not generally be taken into account; bonus points will only be awarded if it is something extraordinary accompanied by a comical tale of navigational ineptitude.
Recording the event. Bonus points for photographic evidence of other people falling off, getting wet or generally looking silly. Further points awarded if the one photo that could look really impressive is out of focus or is obscured by a finger or camera strap.
Mud / Blood coverage. Muddy, wet or bloody patches will only score points if accompanied by a comical story of how they were gained. Bonus points will be awarded for patches in comical locations, for example blobs on the face the rider has not noticed.
Points will be awarded for any other extraordinary tales of goings-on during the ride not covered by other rules. Embellishment may be used to improve the score, but points may be removed if the adjudicators think you’re pulling their leg.
Points will be deducted for uttering anything that sounds vaguely like “Oooh, my legs are going to ache tomorrow!”.
I was talking to Tony Melton the other day and we were just thinking the same. Along the lines of a MUni-only championships on alternate years to UNICON. That’s if they don’t increase the distances for XC at Unicon.
Will have a think about it- we might set up an Australasian MUni Champs or suchlike.
When does registration open? This sounds like an event to be greatly contested.
May I suggest some small appendages to the rules:
Points are gained for every hill riden up. More points though, are gained by starting each hill, realising that it will take significant effort and proceeding to walk up the rest, making remarks about the organic-or-otherwise constitution of any competitors who are still riding, disappearing somewhere up in the foggy altitude.
Points for comments, while trudging up each uphill trail, on how enjoyable it would be to ride down will be given, weighted on the mood of the recipients of such comments, the level of corporate trust in the route organiser and the weather conditions.
P.S. Ken: Did you really miss the idea of this whole post, or just reply after the first two lines of Phil’s suggestion?
Funny thing about technical Muni is that the better I get at it, the slower I’m able to go on the steep, rocky stuff. I was faster six months ago but kept falling off the tough bits. As my balance and leg strength increased, I could
slow down on the steep, ledged bits and roll outs, and clean things much more consistantly.
But it sure is fun to blast over cross country terrain, and so in that regards I can appreciate the idea of racing.
Oddly, I’ve come to really dig the steep “tractoring” (slow) over the rocks and drops. And I don’t get so beat up as I did last year.
Would filling a 2litre squash bottle with cordial, and then placing said bottle in
your camel back as a substitute bladder gain points? (my bladder had grown
a large fungal colany after not washing fruit juice out properly on a previouse
What about using braken to clean out mud filling pedal sockets, after throwing
a pedal-less uni out of the car in to soft mud? if that doesn’t score then what
about if I actually did it 90 secs later with a different uni?
Or getting completly lost, then miracously finding our way back onto the beaten
track, then remebering (once within sight of the carpark) i’ve got a walet
sized GPS attached to my wrist!
are there points for riding with such a bad hangover, you turn a rather funny
shade of grey/green and have to have ‘a little sit down’ for 15mins at the top
of every climb to stop themselves being sick :o) (it was the final day of his