An interesting research study from Columbia University reinforces something we already know. A law professor named Jennifer Robbennolt discovered that admitting guilt seems to be a central ingredient in a sincere apology. She also discovered that a full apology is more likely to result in the quick settlement of a law suit in certain kinds of cases.
145 people aged 21-70 were given a hypothetical accident scenario. They were supposedly involved in an accident with a unicyclist speeding on a Coker, on the sidewalk, ignoring the signals, who collided with a pedestrian . The unicyclist was at fault but offered a settlement that only covered their medical costs. The results showed:
52% accepted the money when there was no apology
73% accepted the money when there was a full apology
35% accepted the settlement when the apology was only partial
and the unicyclist did not take responsibility for the collision.
Robbennolt’s research suggests that people who feel injured or
wronged want to know that the other understands the essence of
what they did wrong. She also found that the more severe the
injury, the more people believed that the perpetrator - in this
case the bicyclist - must apologize. (Study reported by William
Whitney in Psychology Today February 2004)
In couples where one partner has deceived the other about an ongoing affair. The deceived partner is looking for a sincere apology about the effects of the affair. The other often wants to rush through it with minimal expression of guilt. Frequently, they will make excuses, avoid discussions and hide relevant information. No good.
You got to come clean, completely, with full expression. I saw a good example of this on Boston Legal the other night. a lawyer got a murder defendant off years before, and the victim’s now-grown son came after the lawyer.
I’ve experienced the apology thing many times. It’s very noticeable when a business does a wrong, and then either apologizes or makes excuses. Huge difference.
Once I had a bunch of work done on one of my old Volkswagens. After driving it home I decided to have a look at the engine and noticed there was no fanbelt. This was an air-cooled VW bus. No fanbelt=no engine cooling. They apparently forgot to put it back on. a pretty basic mistake! But when I called the shop to complain, instead of admitting the obvious mistake, they chastised me for driving the car without a fanbelt. AAARRRGH! Buttholes. Then they told me I’d have to get it towed back. Excuse me? After further (unnecessary) explanation of why they would be the ones doing the towing, they fixed it, never admitted any error, and got no more business from me, or anyone I spoke to about it, ever again.
Businesses that start off by saying they’re sorry always get way more benefit of the doubt from me. Anyone who wants to pretend to be more than human, which is impossible, has me worried.
Yes, the Boston Legal episode the other nice was interesting. There was old footage from some ancient TV show with a young William Shatner, supposedly as Denny Crane at the beginning of his law career. Wonder where it was from, Playhouse 90 or some similar early TV show I expect. That epsiode was weird, in part, because it mostly wasn’t funny.
I got a re-built transmission put in my truck two summers ago after the original transmission finally died. the transmission died when i was working at a summer camp and they were using it for garbage runs so they paid to get it fixed.
It took forever to get fixed and when it was finally ready i went to pick it up. I was happy to have my truck back but it was due for an oil change so i brought it to Mr. Lube. They checked all the fluids and told me my transmission fluid was supper low and quite dirty. I got a sample of the old fluid and had new fluid put in.
The next time i went up north i took a detour to Choiceland and went to talk to “Big R” about the fluid (on his bill to camp it said specifically “new transmission fluid”. I was told that i was lying and to go f**k myself. I just hope my truck doesn’t break down in the narrow hills again because that is the only garage within 200km. Next time it will get towed to PA.
On the other hand i e-mailed UDC yesterday about my order that i put in over a week ago and have not received a shipping confirmation or anything. I got a call from them while i was reading johnfoss’s post and they apologized for taking so long and that they have tried to get ahold of me to ask what color saddle i wanted. They are shipping it tomorrow so that means that i won’t be able to ride it before i move but it will be waiting at the UPS place when i get back from up north
just got my shipping confirmation and its supposed to be here next friday! They got it to UPS less than an hour after i talked to them. Thats even better than an apology in my books.
What does it mean to apologize? Often, the real meaning is, “I’m sorry I got caught.”
Ample compensation is a fine substitute for an apology. It could be said (couldn’t it?) that ample or generous compensation is an “apology incarnate”, especially if it’s not ordered by a court.
Does an apology need to include guilt (acceptance of blame) and remorse? Not all forms of apology do.
This is from Merriam-Webster Unabridged, which is a pay service. It’s probably not right for me to quote text from it. So I’ll also quite honestly add that it is a GREAT service and I highly recommend it. It’s only about $30 USD per year. It also includes a Spanish-English and French-English dictionary and a medical dictionary. The unabridged dictionary has many more entries than the free one, plus the definitions are much more comprehensive. Sign up today, because if you don’t, they may come after me!
apology
[I]1 : something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong or of what may be liable to disapprobation
3 : an acknowledgment intended as an atonement for some improper or injurious remark or act : an admission to another of a wrong or discourtesy done him accompanied by an expression of regret
synonyms – APOLOGY in today’s English usually indicates either a frank regretful admission that one has been wrong or a defense involving mitigating or extenuating circumstances, EXCUSE indicates an explanation offered to escape censure or blame, PLEA usually involves an appeal for understanding, sympathy, or clemency[/I]
Notice the phrase “of what appears to others to be wrong” in definition one. When would you use this? Is it diplomacy? Backpedaling? It sounds insincere. Is “I’m sorry you feel that way” an example? On the other hand, definition three does include acceptance of blame and remorse. If that’s the expected definition of “apology”, then any apology that does not include those elements is no apology at all.
A large part of my job is to review decisions made by colleagues and to deal with complaints from customers. On those occasions where I spot the mistake and ring the customer to apologise and put it right before they have complained, I get a very favourable response indeed. If they complain first and I put it right, it takes longer to get them to accept the apology, and they usually want their pound of flesh.
When I was a nurse I often had to appologise for something that was nothing to do with me and that I had no control over. Mostly it was because an anxious relative had been waiting too long to see the doctor. By this time they were usually quite angry, and this had been made worse by other nurses sensing thier anger and staying as far away from them as possible.
The solution was easy - appologise, listen carefully and mindfully to what they have to say and then appologise again. Obviously I couldn’t accept guilt because I wasn’t guily about anything, but listening carefully and responding with respect to thier emotions always worked.
