Jokes about Bush

Off-topic
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Bush jokes

A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." – Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. that’s why it’s a 15-second spot." – Jay Leno

“President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters,‘Is the rich person you’re working for better off now than they were four years ago?’”-- Jay Leno

“Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it’ different. His magic number is only 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.” – Jay Leno

“There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush.” – David Letterman

“The White House is now backtracking from it prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs.” – Jay Leno

“In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here’s the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there.” – Craig Kilborn

“President Bush said he was ‘troubled’ by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges Unless of course we’re choosing a president, then he prefers judges” – Jay Leno

“There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.” – David Letterman

“The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can’t remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, ‘Remember me? I’m the drunk guy.’” – Jay Leno

“On ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ‘Phhh, you mean like last time?’” – Jay Leno

“This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys whose lives they saved in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him.” – Conan O’Brien

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More Bush jokes

“President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors.” – Jay Leno

“Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn’t what it should have been. Hey, we knew that when we elected him!” – Jay Leno

“As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words.” – Jay Leno

“President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they’re going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that’s where the jobs went.” – Jay Leno

“President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s drinking again.” – David Letterman

"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he’s uninformed, distracted, he’s passive. And the Democrats are saying to themselves “How can we possibly beat this guy?” – David Letterman

“The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he threatened to close down the border between Spain and the US.” – Jay Leno

"The U.S. Army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney’s friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, ‘Yes.’ ’ – Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said ‘He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time, at an undisclosed location.’ Thank God he cleared that up.” – Jay Leno

“Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It’s not easy for President Bush. He can’t just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies.” – Jay Leno

“President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question: Shouldn’t the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?” – Craig Kilborn

“The White House has now released military documents they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.” – Jay Leno

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Heh, thanks for the laugh!:smiley:

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The only one I know is:
The last time someone took instructions from a Bush, they wandered the desert for 40 years.

Now, I’ll look some up to post here.
…
GOT ONE!

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms thinks, and finally says, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “No, you dumb sh*t, it’s Tony Blair!”

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I love that one. I heard that when Clinton was president too.

But I still laugh every time.

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So how long until we get the list of John Kerry jokes?

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What John Kerry jokes? :thinking:

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“This just in: John Kerry’s face fell off” and jokes of that nature.

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Oh right, the personal jokes that have no political relevance, just like Clinton jokes.

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Precisely.

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Thanks for that good one James!!!

PopeSam: Clinton wasn’t known for being stupid, so I guess you are saying they were making jokes about Bush before he even became president. That’s funny! :smiley:

Billy

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“John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.” —Jay Leno

“This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, ‘I’m John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.’” —Craig Kilborn

“John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ‘charisma black hole.’” —Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I’m thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.” —David Letterman

“The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as ‘the Leno.’ There are really two sides to this story. And America can’t wait for Kerry to present both of them.” —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, ‘No, I’m not … but there is some truth to that.’ " —Craig Kilborn

“The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry.” —Jon Stewart

“Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he’s conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush’s message of ‘steady leadership’ has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he’s been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, ‘Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops’ environment.’” —Jon Stewart

“John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers … and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.” —David Letterman

“Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.” —Craig Kilborn

“John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it’s not as serious. … Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry’s wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry, he said, ‘To me, she looks like a million bucks’” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.” —Jay Leno

“They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that’s nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: ‘I do.’” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.” —Craig Kilborn

“We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they’re still there.” —Jay Leno

“The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.” —Jay Leno

“The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it’s the Vietnam War.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He’s like a mole for the working man.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gorewithout the flash and the sizzle.” —Craig Kilborn

“Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I’m telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.” —David Letterman
“An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’” —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, ‘The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.’ Then he said, ‘And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.’” —Conan O’Brien

“The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry’s war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I’ll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ‘Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!’” —Jay Leno

“They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he’s going after the wealthy in this country, he’s not just talking. He’s doing it!” —Jay Leno

“It’s nine months before the election and Bush’s poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father’s poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he’s not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he’s going to start f—ing everything that moves.” —Bill Maher

“In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.” —Jay Leno

“John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game.” —Jay Leno

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So Resident Select Bush goes to a preschool to look in on a class. The teacher says the class is discussing the meaning of a tragedy. Bush asks to lead, and asks if anyone can give an example of a tragedy.

One kid raises her hand and gives her example: “If my friend gets hit by a car as he chases his ball into the street. Then, that’s a tragedy.”

Bush replies, “No, that’s an accident. Would anyone else like to try?”

A hand shoots up. “If a bus carrying 50 young, promising, athletic honors students carreens off a cliff. There are no survivors. THAT’s a tragedy.”

“Son, you were close, but what you described was a great loss. Any final takers?”

A few moments go by before a kid in the back sheepishly raises his hand. “If an airplane carrying you and all of your cabinet and the rest of the Republican Party were to be shot down by Osama during takeoff, you would have a tragedy.”

“EXACTLY!” Bush exclaims, “Now can you tell me WHY this would be a tragedy?”

The kid snaps back, “Well it’s obviously not an accident, and it most definitely isn’t a great loss!”

On another note: “More and more of America’s imports are coming from overseas.”

When asked what he’d do about the lack of exports coming from the US going to China and India, Bush replied, “What imbalance?! We tons to India and China! Why do you think the unemployment rate is so high?!”

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Some would be good now, in reflection.

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None?