as i have a hard time seeing the humor in all the political threads that have been started lately i would like to start one that is serious in every way, it is my honest wish that all members of the unicycling community get a Canadian citizenship and re-instate the Rhinoceros Party of Canada. The party platform is really quite simple; Its about two feet high and made of wood. We will promise to break every promise we make and Rhino Party also declares that, should they actually win an election, they would immediately dissolve and force a second election.
Here are some of our electoral promises
Moving the Rocky Mountains one metre west as a ‘make-work’ project.
Alternatively, tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset.
Repealing the law of gravity.
Providing higher education by building taller schools.
Building sloping roads and bicycle paths across the country so that Canadians could ‘coast from coast to coast’.
Breeding a mosquito that would only hatch in January so that ‘the little buggers will freeze to death’.
Putting the national debt on Visa.
Declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons.
Painting Canada’s coastal sea limits so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times.
Making Canadians stronger by putting steroids in the water.
Replacing the Canadian Armed Forces with clones of Vladislav Tretiak.
Adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last.
Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California.
- repealing the law of gravity,
- reducing the speed of light because it’s much too fast,
- paving Manitoba to create the world’s largest parking lot,
- providing higher education by building taller schools,
- instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada’s three official languages,
- offering to retrain those constituents who want to become illiterate by enrolling them in a state educational institution,
- tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset, or moving them one metre west as a make-work project,
- legalising pot. And pans. And spatulas. And other kitchen utensils,
- building sloping roads and bicycle paths across the country so that Canadians could “coast from coast to coast”,
- making all sidewalks out of rubber to prevent inebriated people from hurting themselves when they fall down
- responding to the energy crisis, reducing energy costs for transportation by moving the cities of Montréal 50km west and Toronto 50km east,
- abolishing pumping oil out of the ground as that oil is there to keep the earth moving smoothly on its axis and if you withdraw the oil, the whole thing will grind to a halt,
- abolishing the environment because it’s too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space,
- annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory, after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories (Nunavut did not yet exist) in Canada’s backyard, in order to raise the mean temperature of Canada by one degree Celsius,
- replacing the Canadian Armed Forces with clones of Vladislav Tretiak,
- end crime by abolishing all laws
- making bubble gum the national currency, so that it could be inflated or deflated at will,
- breeding a mosquito that would only hatch in January so that “the little buggers will freeze to death”,
- turning Montreal’s Saint Catherine Street into the world’s longest bowling alley,
- adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last,
- as an energy-saving idea, putting larger wheels on the back of all cars so that they will always be going downhill,
- selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California,
- putting the national debt on Visa,
- declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons,
- offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros “Hindquarters” in Montréal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this),
- painting Canada’s coastal sea limits so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times,
- counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing,
- running Penny Hoar on a safe sex platform in Toronto,
- running more than one candidate per riding as an MP’s salary is certainly enough to support more than one person,
- exploiting acid rain as an electrical energy source by placing dissimilar-metal electrodes in Canadian swimming pools in order to use them as batteries,
- making Canadians stronger by putting steroids in the water,
- banning lousy Canadian winters,
- moving the Vatican to Saint-Bruno-de-Montarville, Quebec to promote tourism,
- putting the West Edmonton Mall on wheels and rolling it to areas of the country suffering from economic depression,
- turning the Louis-Hippolyte Lafontaine tunnel in Montreal into a free carwash by poking holes in the ceiling,
- transforming the Montreal Olympic Stadium into a gigantic beluga aquarium,
- drafting the Queen mother to sew up the hole in the ozone layer
- building giant domes over several conservative neighbourhoods to keep the dinosaurs, both real and political, in.
- annexing Greenland and creating a cartel with other northern nations in order to sell icebergs to the Saudis; the cartel would be called “Snopec”,
- digging a canal from coast to coast, by hand, to reduce unemployment; and then, leveling the Rocky Mountains and using the canal to transport the material east to fill in the Great Lakes, in order to expand Canada’s landmass.
For more information on the Canadian Rhinoceros party don’t hesitate to use google