I was going to kill myself...

Off-topic
1

…is what she ended up telling me.

I dropped the kids off at church last Wednesday night for youth group and then had to deliver something to the church office. On the way back through the lobby area, a woman whom I’d met in church before was seated on one of the nice couches. She commented as I walked by, “Sure is hard to wait, isn’t it?” She was referring to waiting for her 18-year-old son while he was at youth group. I didn’t have anything else to do at the time so I stopped to talk for a minute not realizing what I was in for. She told me that normally another friend picks up her son to take him to youth group. She had it all planned that night, method and everything, that after 18 years of suffering, she would take her own life while her son was gone and she was alone. But just before her friend was to pick up her son, he had called and said that he had to leave for a job at 2:00 a.m. and would be able to make it tonight. Her son really wanted to go to youth and she was the only one left to take him so she made the trip.

So there she was alive and well and I was talking to her about her suicide. Her husband had left her and the three boys for another woman some 18 years earlier. She shared that she had been some 280 lbs. at the time (she is about 5’-3"), quite unhealthy, unemployed, and at least one of her sons was special needs. For the sake of her boys (her 18-year-old was the youngest), she decided to raise them to adulthood then commit suicide. Evidently, she had been planning this for a long time and that night was the culmination of 18 years of waiting. There was much more to our 40 minutes of conversation, way too much to make you sift through in this post.

But call the fact that she was alive and well that night divine intervention (easily what I call it), fate, or coincidence, it got me to thinking. I had never really entertained suicidal thoughts for myself so I can’t even comprehend it. But this lady sure made it bright and clear that it was real.

I am on the other side of the world when it comes to psychology. But I was able to offer some advice, things like in the event of suicidal thoughts, immediately change your environment, just like smokers who are trying to quit and do things like smoke with the opposite hand or lay the pack of cigarettes in a different location. It seemed to me that potential suicidees could get sucked into a whirlwind of depression and if they don’t get some outside perspective, they are in danger of hitting the ultimate bottom. So an environmental change would be to get up out of the chair and take a walk outside, change the view, alter the surroundings to help get a fresh or at least different perspective on things. Another thing we talked about (and agreed on) was that suicide was selfish. I asked her who did she think would have found her body. Of course it would have been her son, the only other one living in her home. She hadn’t thought of that and it scared her. So evidently there is a flicker of hope left in her that she still has something to live for.

She told me that I was the only one that she had confided in about her plans for that night. So now I’m sort of caught in a predicament. Someone needs to know in order to help her but I can’t break her confidentiality in me. Breaking a trust might be a bad thing for her in her condition. So I strongly encouraged her to seek council in the pastor and told her that I would be praying for her. She’s afraid that if someone found out about her plans for suicide, they would come in and take her son away. Little bit of circular reasoning there but like I said, I don’t understand a mind in that condition. So as I left, she promised to call the pastor that night when she got home. I told her that I would be specifically looking for her this Sunday morning. Hopefully she’ll be there in one piece.

Sometimes we can get in such a rut of our daily grind that we become oblivious to our surroundings. I am at least thankful to her that she gave me a reason to wake up and take notice for a change.

2

Scary story there, makes you think, dosn’t it! Sorry i cant give any advice!
I hope it all works out!

Edd

3

Well I would say - tell somebody.

That’s always emphasised in my job. She can build new confidences later, but only if she’s around to do it. What will you feel if she succeeds tomorrow and you didn’t tell anybody?

Cathy

4

Actually I did, Cathy. I had a discussion with my pastor this morning about her and he and I will try to work together without breaking her trust. It is a very delicate situation. We’re hoping and praying for the best end to the situation.

5

Feel innocent because you are. Feel like you helped because you did. Feel like you care because you always do and at the right time. Feel like you made a difference because you did. Feel like a wake of goodness follows you and spreads outward behind you wherever you walk because it does. There are small eddies in the wake that you leave that you can do nothing about. But you are one of the very few who try on a daily basis and one of the few who will not quit. You can’t hold everyone on your shoulders, some of them fall off. But your shoulders are broad, Bruce, and you at least try.

6

She didn’t kill herself, she could have sent the kids off to the park or something.

She told you about it.

Both those are good signs that she’s retreating from that edge.

I can’t imagine feeling miserable for that long and not seeking help. If I’m down more than a couple days, I make myself work through it, talk to a friend or get help. Life’s too short to have persistent downer feelings.

Sounds as if she’s indulged herself in her agonizing for 18 years. It might be an attention getting ploy of sorts to tell you, a relative stranger, you’re the only one that knows and then not to tell anyone else. What a burden to dump on someone!

You did what you can to seek the counsel of the pastor, but I’d stay clear of the situation beyond that. If social services were involved (and perhaps they should be in the case of a suicidal single parent), it wouldn’t be the worst thing for the kids to know there’s a system out there of sorts that they can reach out to in addition to the church.

Good luck. A predicament, indeed!

7

I was not in any way suggesting that he would be responsible if she had committed suicide and he had not told anyone. Nor trying to diminish his caringness. It’s just that there is no need for anyone to face such a weight of responsibility on their own. For those of us who deal with depressed/suicidal people on a regular basis, there is always someone with whom to share the responsibility.

Most people, especially those who care the most about others, would feel that there could have been something they could have done to stop it if someone confided in them that they were suicidal and then killed themselves. However justified it was or (more likely), wasn’t.

The mental health services usually have stringent systems in place to protect people from those feelings of self-blame.

I was only thinking of Yoopers protecting himself and sharing the load. Which he did.

Cathy

8

I am an A&D counselor, Domestic Violence Counselor and Anger Management Counselor. I also work for a Crisis line in the Nashville Tn. area.
You may suggest a couple of resources:
1-800-suicide (if she feels like going through with it again)
Crisis Intervention Center 1-800-681-7444(sometimes you get an answering service though? :angry: )
Just remember that mentioning the word “suicide” in front of someone who is having those thoughts, isnt going to make them more likely to do it.
Also, when faced with a suicidal person, try to find out these 4 things:::
Do they have a specific plan? (gun, overdose, knife, etc.)
How lethal is their plan? (gun=lethal /overdose on tylenol=not lethal)
Do they have access to the Gun,Knife,Drugs,razor,etc?
Do they have other people or family to confide in?
Hope this helps!

9

Thanks, all, for your support and suggestions in this. The lady mentioned that she physically cannot cry anymore which she said was one of the symptoms. I would assume she meant a symptom of having hit the bottom. She did tell me that she had a specific plan and the means to carry it out but would not share the details with me. I had specifically asked about the plan so I could better advise her on alternatives but she kept the info to herself. When I talked to Pastor Steve this morning, he asked the same thing, if she had a plan. But as an untrained psychologist, I think I’ll leave the professional refering to someone who knows more than me. I’ll certainly pass on your phone references to Pastor Steve. All I am is a big hunk of shoulder to lean or cry on.

10

Bruce, sometimes thats all you can do, and sometimes, that’s all someone needs.
I’ve been in a few situations like this, where I was a confidant for something really big, but there was nothing I could do, except be a shoulder to cry on, and it really does help.

11

I was in a similar situation once. I was a member of a youth group, and one of the young women in my group told me of her plans to end her own life. I felt like I was obligated to speak up about it, so I informed the group’s counselor. He informed the proper authorites, and she was sent to a place where she got help.

She was VERY angry when it first happened, but in the end, she was thankful, AND still alive.

If someone really wants to end their own life without intervention, they will not speak to anyone about it. The fact that she spoke to you is some sort of call for help. I strongly recommend contacting the authorities. To me, not doing so is a little like watching the house accross the street burn to the ground and not calling 911.

12

I was very, very happy to see my friend in church this morning and after the service, we got to talk for a bit. I asked her if she had made any phone calls to which she responded that she hadn’t but was thinking about it. So I asked her if we could approach the pastor right now and make an appointment and she agreed. I walked with her and then stood by while she and the pastor talked.

She now has an appointment this Wednesday to meet with the pastor and I feel much better that it’s set up. Mary and I agree with previous posts here that I need to back off somewhat and let people like the pastor who have been appropriately trained handle the situation. I’ll still remain an interested party and of course a friend. It just feels good to know that she is seeking help and making an attempt to climb out of her hole.

Bruce

13

good to hear. i hope she comes out of this alright.

14

Good for you, Bruce. Generously and thoughtfully handled.

15

You took the words right out of my fingers.

Also Bruce, I think your relief and hope for this lady shines through in your post.

Cathy

16

Bruce, I can’t add much to these words of Greg, other than to give you great applause for making yourself available. So many people don’t. We don’t want other people’s messes to become our messes. We want someone else to do it. I see you as the kind of “someone else” who always does, or at least tries to do what others are unwilling to do. You are to be commended and imitated.

17

I’ve been thinking a bit about the concept of breaking a confidentiality and/or trust.

I once read “Gossip” defined as “Sharing privileged information with someone who is not part of the problem or part of the solution”. Never forgot that definition.

In this case it is not gossip but the concept is similar: Sharing with someone who can certainly help, such as the pastor, may be breaking a confidence but certainly is not breaking a trust.

Bruce, you are very fortunate to be able to help in this situation.

18

The other side of it is that in this type of situation, if the confidee chooses to break the confidence of the confider, the confider may get mad. But in order to get mad, one has to be alive.

19

The only advice that I can give is to try to get her more socially active. If she has friends, groups, and events to look forward to she will have something to live for. Maybe organize a party and invite her, introduce her to your friends. Don’t tell anyone why you are having the party though (you probably knew this, but it is the most important part so I figured I had better write it).

This is a very heavy situation though, and I am glad that you trust us (uni.com members) to give you advice.