I (pause) Am Suburban Man

I may be short, I may be a bit pudgy, I may be middle aged…

…but I can ride 3 miles round trip through a driving misty drizzle on a unicycle during rush hour without a UPD. I can stop midway to, in a manner most manly, gulp a donut and guzzle some coffee while squatting self-importantly. And as I ride to my destination and back I nod pleasantly to neighbors, wave graciously to honkers and acknowledge police officers cruising by as I am, in my modest way, a member of the crime fighting team, always alert to potential (and perhaps hidden) crimes and their perpetrators and ready to do my part for a safer neighborhood, Matawan, New Jersey, and yes my friends, America.

And when I return home I can wipe down my trusty steed, lean it in its corner in the garage, dry my hair, put on my boxers and t-shirt, crack open a beer, and sit down contentedly to play Barbie with my daughter.

And to think I actually sometimes feel sorry for myself.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

Yes. Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom. Suburbia, or my particular plot of it, would not be safe without my daily patrols. Neighbors have come to appreciate the calming presence of my Coker. Small dogs appreciate the fact that when I ride by, they’re actually barking at something instead of just barking. The local security? Well, we have our different views on security and which neighbors warrant tighter surveilance, but over time we’ve come to treat each other with a mutual, if grudging, respect.

Here I am after just having apprehended a young neer-do-well for speeding. They don’t get away with that stuff on my shift…

This time I mean it…

Why are you toying with us, Tom?

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

You’re not the only one wheeled guardians of peace and liberty: -