hee hee

***** JOKE: Children’s “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” **********

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to
imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.” Age 10

“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” Age 5

“I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a
lawn mower.” Age 11

“I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a
big fire and everyone died.” Age 13

“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.” Age 14

“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life?” Age 15

“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!’” Age 15

“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends.” Age 8

“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.” Age 10

“Home is where the house is.” Age 6

“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.” Age 15

“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would
be right there.” Age 5

“Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.” Age 13

“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.” Age 6

“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
“Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”” Age 15

“Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them,
right?” Age 15

“I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.” Age 15

“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the
looting started.” Age 15


Shena Delian O’Brien * http://www.darklock.com/shena/ The Graphics Kitty!

LMAO!

JD

Shena Delian O’Brien <shena@darklock.com> wrote in message
news:3B8CA921.ACF9D1D3@darklock.com
> ***** JOKE: Children’s “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” **********
>
> From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked
> to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
>
> "My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
> buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
> have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn
> eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him." Age 10
>
> "When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
> lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5
>
> "I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just
> a lawn mower." Age 11
>
> "I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
> the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
> for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
> gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
> a big fire and everyone died." Age 13
>
> "I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog.
> Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
> his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor." Age 14
>
> "I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
> I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
> clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15
>
> "Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
> the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!’" Age 15
>
> "It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday,
> like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
> people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
> the long weekends." Age 8
>
> "Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
> any old yokel vote." Age 10
>
> “Home is where the house is.” Age 6
>
> "Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
> is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number." Age 15
>
> "It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
> No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
> would be right there." Age 5
>
> "Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
> the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13
>
> "For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
> the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s
> what happens to cheese when you leave it out." Age 6
>
> "The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
> maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or
> "Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
> speeding?"" Age 15
>
> "Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
> feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them,
> right?" Age 15
>
> "I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as
> some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he
> sucks." Age 15
>
> "If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
> peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the
> looting started." Age 15
>
>
> –
> Shena Delian O’Brien * http://www.darklock.com/shena/ The Graphics
> Kitty! * http://www.darklock.com/abstract/ Fantasy Age *
> http://www.darklock.com/fantasy/

ROTFLMAO! I miss Jack Handey…that guy was a nut.


Rodney Blackwell - site owner/administrator

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“Shena Delian O’Brien” <shena@darklock.com> wrote in message
news:3B8CA921.ACF9D1D3@darklock.com
> ***** JOKE: Children’s “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” **********
>
> From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked
> to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
>
> "My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
> buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
> have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn
> eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him." Age 10
>
> "When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
> lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5
>
> "I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just
> a lawn mower." Age 11
>
> "I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
> the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
> for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
> gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
> a big fire and everyone died." Age 13
>
> "I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog.
> Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
> his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor." Age 14
>
> "I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
> I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
> clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15
>
> "Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
> the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!’" Age 15
>
> "It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday,
> like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
> people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
> the long weekends." Age 8
>
> "Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
> any old yokel vote." Age 10
>
> “Home is where the house is.” Age 6
>
> "Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
> is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number." Age 15
>
> "It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
> No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
> would be right there." Age 5
>
> "Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
> the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13
>
> "For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
> the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s
> what happens to cheese when you leave it out." Age 6
>
> "The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
> maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or
> "Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
> speeding?"" Age 15
>
> "Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
> feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them,
> right?" Age 15
>
> "I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as
> some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he
> sucks." Age 15
>
> "If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
> peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the
> looting started." Age 15
>
>
> –
> Shena Delian O’Brien * http://www.darklock.com/shena/ The Graphics
> Kitty! * http://www.darklock.com/abstract/ Fantasy Age *
> http://www.darklock.com/fantasy/

Yeah that used to make me laugh for 2 or 3 days everytime i would think
about one of his good ones. You can still catch some of Jack Handy’s
finest on the comedy channel, every now and then.


TomBryant tom@dixieshirts.com



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