so i am gonna post this essay i have to do for english, i guess i will like ask you people for some comments on what to make it better, so please help me cause it is due monday, well here it is:
“Red Glare” is an episode of the hit tv show Cold Case. It takes an interesting look at a muder that happened, in 1953. It is very similar to “The Crucible” only it is with communism not witchcraft. This is a very good example of a modern day witch hunt.
It shows a high school kid’s battered body next to a tree very close to his car with the words “your next” spray painted in red on it. Apparently he was at a communist party that night and anti-communist’s painted his car during the party then waited till he got to his car and killed him. The Detectives that look into the case are Lilly Rush and Scotty Valens. They eventually find out that there were alot of people at this communist party and that everyone there had signed a list saying they were there. They start talking to some of this guys friends. The kids friends won’t cooperate because they fear they will be accused of murdering him. Then they tell his friends that if they cooperate and tell the names of people that were at the party then they will not accuse them of killing the kid that was killed. So they do tell the names of some peole that were at the party and those people give them more names of people that were at the party. They end up finding out that one of the kids friends killed him and the people get put in jail.
This is very much like the crucible because they were looking into a murder that happened because of communism. Communism was like witch craft that it was bad to practice but somepeople did. It was also like the crucible because the people the detectives were interviewing gave names of who was at the communist party that night. Just like the people being accused of witch craft were giving names of other people they say with the devil. There was a point in the show when one of the characters said "First rule of the witch hunt, don't limit yourself to the witches!" This was very like the crucible because they were accusing everyone in the town of witchcraft and weren’t trusting anyone.
It is unlike The Crucible because in the crucible you could rely on spirtitual evidence to prove someone had been a witch and harmed you. In “cold case” they needed actual evidence to prove that someone had been at the party and they need real evidence to prove who murdered the guy.
it is supposed to be relating the tv show episode "red glare"http://coldcase.de/modules.php?name=Recap2x08 of the hit show cold case to a play turned into a movie called “the crucible” i know that the facts are not right, i will change those but like any spelling or anything? i will try to right my final copy tonight and tomorrow and then post it, so like please tell me what you think.
and another thing is try watching cold case on sunday its on at 8 eastern time on cbs but will most liklely get delayed because of football
It looks like you have a good start. After you compared and then contrasted, you probably should have a conclusion of some sort to tie it all together.
Don’t you have a spell checker? “Alot” is correctly spelled as two words, “a lot.”
Hmm, this is another religion/science debate waiting to happen.
Never start a parpgraph with “It”. For example the second pargraph you should say “The epsiode shows” or “In the episode…”
You also have quite a number of run on sentances. And you completly lack a fluid writing style.
You wanted criticism right?
I really don’t know what the acceptable writing ability for a 15-year-old is but I hope i wrote better than this when I was your age, I shoudl go read some of my old papers.
But speaking of Cold Case I an an episode of. The Alcoholic Anonymous episode, I was the cop that put the guy in the back of the cop car at the end of the episode.
muder that happened, in 1953 - Spelling mistake, and there shouldn’t be a comma here; it is one complete sentence. Did it actually happen? If it is a fictional story you should make it clear.
Could you explain what The Crucible is? I’ve never heard of it; a brief word or so saying if it is also a TV show, novel or whatnot would be useful.
with the words “your next” - “You’re”
It shows a high school kid’s - I prefer not to use contractions in more formal writing like this; I would go for “It shows the battered body of a high school pupil next to…” Apparently he was - “Apparently” is a bit too chatty; I’d leave it out. anti-communist’s - No apostrophe
then waited till he - should be “until”
The Detectives that - no capital D. This sentence seems a bit out of place… could you remove it but mention who the characters are instead of “they” in the next sentence.
So they do - Don’t start a sentence with “So…”
one of the kids friends - “Kid” is too informal. It should also have an apostrophe here; there are several occurrences of this. that there were alot of people - “A lot” is two words. some of this guys friends - Again, “guy” is a bit informal and slang-like; I’d avoid it. If you want to keep it, there should be an apostrophe there too, and in “kids” a few words later. names of some peole - Spelling
a murder that happened because of communism - This bit is a bit subjective. It wasn’t communism that killed him, it was prejudices surrounding communism… but this might be somewhat outside the scope of the essay… Communism was like witch craft that it was bad to practice but somepeople did - …in your opinion… Ooo look, missiles coming over the western horizon! How pretty… “Somepeople” needs a space too.
people they say with the devil - Have you missed a word? “…they say are with the devil”?
In the third paragraph you have used “like the crucible” an awful lot, the repetition is noticeable. If you could find a way to compare the two without just using “like” it would sound better. Use a thesaurus (Word’s synonym generator will do) or try expanding on why they are similar and base the sentence around that.
Try to smoothen the transition into the fourth paragraph, rather than launching straight into why it is unlike the Crucible; it reads like you are following an unbreakable rule of having one paragraph for similarities and one for differences. Even something simple like sticking “however” in there would break up the repetition a bit.
crucible you could rely - Using “you” is again somewhat informal; I would use “the viewer” instead.
i did it really fast during lunch, i am gonna redo it now though, and i would like to thank everyone for there critisim the only question i have is how could it get a fluid writing style going?
please check back at the end of the day to see my finished draft and criticise me again if you would
Ooo look, missiles coming over the western horizon! How pretty… “Somepeople” needs a space too.