english essay v2

Off-topic
1

okay thank you to everyone who had feedback, i pretty much just deleated it and made a completly new one, and here is the first part if it talking about the episode of cold case, so please give me feed back after this portion i will have a part that explains how it is similar to the crucible and how it is different then a portion that ends it all

The Hit Tv Show “Cold Case” takes a look at a murder that happened in 1953. It is the murder of someone that supporeted communism. That person was Elliot Garvey, he was a fouth grade teacher found beaten to death in 1953. He was found just a few blocks away from his car, with slashed tires and the words “Your’e Next” painted in red.
There was part of a blade in one of the tires, with part of a logo that had a bird and the letter b on it. The two main detectives that look into the case are Scotty Valens and Lily Rush. There were meetings to promote communism and Elliot ended up going there because his friend was big into promoting it. Elliot just thought integration was okay. One of those meetings was at Renaldo’s house. Elliot was there exchanging greetings with a women named Reina. She asks him what he thinks of all this. He says the only thing he knows is a nice boy got kicked out of his class and it didn’t seem right. Scotty and Lily go to see if they can find him but soon find out he is dead. His daughter is there though, and she remembers there were police raids of the partys all the time, and none of them were legit. The police would also find a way to break up the meetings and if they couldn’t they would call it a drug raid. She said they were even one time threatened with a burning cross in there yard. One day Elliot’s family was having a barbeque, Then two men in black suites came up and gave Elliot an envelope. The next day Elliot was sitting at the table when his wife kate came home with groceries, he told her that he had just lost his job. After they heard about this Lilly and Scotty went to talk to Elliot’s friend Harland. Harland told them about an incident at a baseball game when two teams were warming up, Elliot and his friend Harland show up to support Harlands brother. Then a man named Wade Ribble got up and told Elliot to go away because communist’s were not welcome. Elliot tried to protest but Wade told him to look around because no body would support him. The next morning everyone looked into Wade’s record and found out that Elliot had filed a restraining order against him. They decided to talk to Kate again thinking she would remember such a big event. She did remember it but told them it wasn’t evidence because Wade had an alibi that night. He was at the state championship baseball game. Kate told the detectives that all he had to do was say yes to a list of people that were at the meeting that night and he would be set free. She said that the only name she rememberd she had tried to forget, it was Reina. She was always at the meetings, she was also Elliot’s mistress. Back in the office the investigation team noticed that Elliot was killed on June 19th, the day before he was supposed to testify. Reina had invited Elliot to go with some of her friends for drinks but he said no, because it was complicated. He told her that Kate thought something was going on between them, Reina said something was. He told her that he believed in marriage, but that made Reina like him even more. He wanted to do the right thing when he testified, and for Reina that meant saying the list was false. Lily asked Reina what the other names on that list were. Back at the office they have the list. Scotty says they don’t need it. Howard said somethign about the scouts, Scotty matched the part of the knife blade they had to the Boy Scouts of America. They ask Howard more about the knife and he keeps his story that he didn’t kill his father he only trashed his car to scare him. Scotty and Lily interragate Harland, they say it must have hurt since Elliot stud up to the feds and got Reina. Harland admits he liked Reina. Then Scotty says if Elliot said the list was real Reina would have gotten deported. Harland says that Elliot hadn’t made up his mind about what he would say yet. So Harland was with Elliot that night. He said he saw Elliot with his car and offered to walk him home. As Elliot and Harland are walking home Elliot tells Harland that he has a lot to think about but not to worry because Harland is not on the list. Harland says he is concerned because Reina is on the list and he doesn’t want Elliot to give her up. Elliot says he would never give up Reina, then starts to walk away. Harland can’t take that chance so he goes and hits Elliot on the head with his cane and continues to beat him until he was dead.

please give me feedback
thanks

2

Again your style is slowing you down. A good way to start developing a better style would be to avoid using the same predicate in two sentances in a row. Learn to combine your sentences. i find the whole thing almost painful to read it’s as if each sentence was constructed on its own rather than to be part of a paragraph.

Talk to your teacher about style though.

3

the second word, Hit, dosn’t need to be caps. and “no body” is one word

4

Teachers dislike it when you use informal expressions like “was big into”. Try something like “had an interest in” or “was very interested in”.

You also introduce someone named “Renaldo” with no explanation and you never mention him or her again. Does Renaldo need to be introduced? Do I get anything more out of the essay by knowing that a pro-communist meeting was held at Renaldo’s house if I don’t know who Renaldo is?

“Elliot just thought integration was okay.” Integration of what or whom? Based on your context of communist-related happenings one might be able to ASSUME what kind of integration you’re talking about, but you should make it clearer. Also, “okay” is kind of informal.

“Elliot was there exchanging greetings with a women named Reina. She asks him what he thinks of all this.” You say the first sentence in the past tense and then switch to the present. Stick with one tense and be consistent, always.

“…and she remembers there were police raids of the partys all the time” What parties? Explain their significance. Explain why the police would want to fabricate reasons to “break them up”.

“One day Elliot’s family was having a barbeque, Then two men in black suites came up and gave Elliot an envelope.” Suits, not suites. You wear suits, you rent suites in hotels. Also, you don’t introduce their barbeque thing very smoothly. Random questions that need addressing: Why are they having a barbeque? What’s in the envelope? Who are the men in black suits?

I could go on, but the gist of it is this:

-use paragraphs instead of one huge section, like this:
-introduction paragraph (broad beginning, then focussing in on topic of essay, ending with your thesis statement)
-body paragraph(s) (outline arguments and reasons supporting arguments)
-conclusion paragraph (restate the gist of your body paragraphs in a little different wording)

-introduce things clearly and concisely – no unnecessary details

-don’t use informal expressions. Essays are formal pieces of writing, and most English teachers like you to be as correct as possible. No colloquialisms (informal conversational expressions (I like that word…)).

Sorry if I sound harsh about this, but that essay needs to be completely re-written. There’s no way around it.

5

This reads like a book or movie review. Aren’t you supposed to be comparing COLD CASE with another storyline?

The introductory paragraph is better. We know right away that you are writing about “Cold Case” but if you are writing to compare “Cold Case” with another story then you should also mention what you are comparing to.

Some suggested corrections:

The Hit TV Show “Cold Case” looks at a murder commited in 1953. It is the murder of someone who supported communism. That person was Elliot Garvey. He was a fourth grade teacher who was found beaten to death. His car was found just a few blocks away with slashed tires and the words “Your’e Next” painted in red.

There are way too many details in the following section. Is everything necessary? Do you need a blow-by-blow mention of every detail in the story?

There was part of a knife blade stuck in one of the tires. The blade had part of a logo with a bird and the letter “b” on it. (Per your story that should be the letter “B” as in Boy Scout) The two main detectives who looked into the case were Scotty Valens and Lily Rush. There were meetings to promote communism and Elliot went to them because his friend was big into promoting it.
.
.I just deleted all this to save space. I’m not going to re-write it all for you.
.
Harland can’t take that chance so he strikes Elliot on the head with his cane and continues to beat him until he is dead. This sentence is awkward. “his cane” refers to whose cane, Harland or Elliot?

You need to separate subjects into individual paragraphs. However, most of this is written like a group of individual sentences which do not make-up paragraphs. Just a bunch of statements. It would be clearer and no more interesting if you just listed things like this:

  1. fact one
  2. fact two
  3. fact three
  4. etc.

Be aware of verb tense. You switch from past to present. Be consistant.

After you write, go back and read it. Make corrections. Read it again. Make corrections. Put it aside for several hours then read it again. Does it make sense to you hours later?

Okay enough. Your second writing was better than the first.