might get a laugh.
Note: this doesn’t happen everytime i go to the doctors and i did write it about 2 years ago.
Doctors surgeries…
Speaking of doctors surgerys, the one where i got my nose reconstruction done has a vast aray of 'semi naughty’magazines. I always arrive about 1 hour early for check-ups and he is running behind most of the time so i get good solid 5 min of reading time in (no one reads them, you just look at the pictures). There is also a nice collection of cosmopolotian which i am quite partial to flick through. but oh the doctors surgery cosmopolotain woe’s… cosmo sealed sections are like tiny insight’s to a world most men dream of (Sam, no comment)but at this particular surgery guess what, the sealed section is always sealed. here i am sitting in a doctors surgery with all manner of people trying to craftily open a cosmo sealed section. yes i realise that they are allready half pre-unsealed but it order to get that seal (note, not actuall seal, which reminds me of joke, baby seal walks into a club.) unsealed i have to tear it, tearing makes a noise. first you try to hide it with a cough: cough tearing noise cough. but there is only so many time’s one can cough, even in a doctors surgery. there is always the full rip all at once but who is ever game to try that, one would probably be frowned apon and asked to forfit is appiontment thus being asked to leave.
So in you sit and begin the tearing. Slowly it opens and one or two people look at you, but you always raise a leg, hiding the magazine and make it look like your just scratching. then as your about halfway there the old couple in the corner fix a stare straight on you. cold and hard as if jesus himself was behind those eye’s, “they know what i am doing” you think. but you hold there glaze, determined to win and read this sealed section. they soon go back to their readers digest.
Then comes the chick about your age who is always there by herself which makes you feel dorky with your Dad sitting beside you picking his nose and flicking (wrong choice of verb) through the latest edition to time magazine. She know exatcly what your up to. how do you hide it? there has to be away, finally it clicks, you lean over to your father and pcik up one of his ‘used’ time magazines (do not get the unused one as this may throw a spanner in the works later on) carefull place the cosmo inside the time magazine and realise that it does’t fit, shit you think. placing the cosmo under the time magazine you carelessly walk over to the magazine table and pretend to ponder really hard before selecting an intelligent looking magazine (but not a computer one, to nerdy)then as you sit down, shield your seat and place the cosmo into the selected intelligent magazine and problem solved, girl is no longer suspicious.
now you are almost ready to begin ‘project unseal’ when your father leans over, “what are you reading there?” trying to make friendly doctors surgery conversation, which as we all know never works, you practically soil yourself as you skim the pages over revealing some article about how to upgrade your ipod’s memory, or the current state of the world in reference to what it was 50 years ago (you know, intelligent stuff) and it just happens to be a subject he is interested in. so there you are forced to read this article with him breathing over your shoulder and reading over it at the same time (who said men are unable to do more than one thing at once?) which is deffinately not doing anything for you and the chick sitting just over their. yeah she is alowed to read the cosmo, she is female, that makes it alright to be interested in naughty bits, when a chick reads it its being "knowledged’ when a bloke reads it he’s a ‘filthy pervert’.
Anyway here you are stuck with the intelligent article about dog mantainence or germ warfare and all you can think about is that sealed section, what could be in it? what is it about? what stories are you soon about to read. so never the less, being a teenage boy, things begin to move below and before you know it little Tommy trouser snake is no longer little. as you shift uncomfortably ‘something’ knocks the magazine causeing it to shake, it happens again and then once more. your father gets frustrated and says “if you cant hold it steady i will read my own magazine” as if it is a threat. you just keep your mouth closed and shift body weight once more. not daring to say something as not to make him change his mind.
Finally you are alone with the cosmo, you begin to tear, take a glance around, no one watching, you make it three quarters (remmebering you got halfway last time), just nearly there, there is sweat beading off your forehead, nearly just about and then. rip it has come off. you hastily stash the rubbish in your pocket and slowly open the magazine. “Ahh Mr McMahon, if you would like to come through now the doctor is waiting” and there, you are forced to leave your bounty, get up and walk past the chick, past the old people, past the reception desk, past the fish in the tank, past the people in the other room and into the doctors surgery, all the way trying to hide a semi.
