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The Land Surfer News Archives
August 26 2001 - Sunday
G’day, wasn’t last night huge ? We made a flag for the unicycle and
have started promoting the website. And didn’t it give me inspiration.
The flag was on a whip like beastie hanging off the back of the uni
and it is a lot of fun to ride with. You can whip the posts with the
flag by doing massive twists on the uni as you go past, lots of fun.
At one point I found an empty water bottle sitting on the top of a
post , it took me four attempts, but I figured out how to swing my new
tail to knock the bugger off. Got it on the backswing , which is not
nearly as satisfying, but it was still great fun, the folks who were
standing nearby did think it looked fun, so coool…
Was talking to a group of people out the front on the boardwalk, you
know, I stopped and they asked me to do some tricks for them, anyway
finished up and proceeded on my way, when they yelled out to me to
have a crash on purpose. I like to oblige, one crash coming up. The
group of people in front of me blew out when I stepped off and thought
I had had a big crash, the group behind me were pissing themselves
laughing, they had asked for the crash. When they saw the people in
front of me blowing out, the laughter doubled in size. This kind of
stuff happens all night. And it was bloody funny…
Can’t have a break sitting on top of my car, I parked out the front on
the beachside and I had stopped to have a can of vodka. Sitting on top
of the car watching the car guys go by and chatting with them as they
passed, in five minutes I had three groups of people pushing me to get
back on the uni and get back to work. Don’t have this problem when I
stop in a coffee shop for a break. But it is funny sitting on the car
and talking to the folks. The girls that were parked next to me left
me a stubbie to drink when they left, so all in all, it was a pretty
Had a couple of girls come up to me last night to apologise for
running the light down on the highway on Friday night. They overshot
the white line when the light went red and were concerned that I was
blown away as I took evasive action. What lovely girls, thank you very
much for your concern. I explained to them that I wasn’t freaked out ,
I was more blown away that they cared enough about me to come up and
apologise. A fantastic feeling…
Saw a police car take the corner with the crossing on the corner of
Cavill and Orchard Avenues, he had his siren and lights on, and they
did have a serious problem in one of the cabs up the street. But I
just don’t think that the speeds involved were necessary, there are a
lot of intoxicated people in the street at that time of night and what
those coppers were doing was downright foolhardy and extremely
dangerous. Quite a few people at the time remarked that if someone was
on that crossing , they would have been dead. I drive for a living,
and my driving record is very good, and I can tell you that I would
NEVER, EVER attempt that corner at that speed with the drunks on the
street. Shame on you guys, you did our town a disservice. You made us
look very sloppy, and very dangerous. If you want to play with peoples
lives , then go and join the traffic branch of the service and you can
get your jollies scaring the living shit out of joe public. Don’t be
fking idiots and drive like maniacs through a pedestrian zone. All
in all, fking dumb…
Had some fun with Robert James, you know the flamenco guitarist that
plays in Cavill Avenue ? While it was quiet, he was playing some
beautiful music while I danced on the Land Surfer (unicycle). We must
try this on stage one day, it felt awesome. The guy has soul, I kind
of give up my will to dance with his music as I go past, and we play
with it a little. Sometimes I have almighty crashes, the music comes
to a crescendo and I have nowhere to go and come down in a heap.
Sometimes I don’t pick the changes up, you get a little involved with
the music and forget that you’re actually perched on top of something.
But without a doubt, last night , Robert had me doing turns that I
thought were downright impossible, just fking lovely. Thanks loads
Had a good time with the posts in the mall , I was doing some of that
high speed Land Surfer slalom racing and shouldering the posts as I
went past. You’ve got to give it to it , which means getting a bit
physical. I was really thumping the posts with my shoulders as I went
past, trying to shave the absolute edge off the corners. Bloody great
Something else that is fun, roll a spliff, light it up and then ride
through the crowd. On the footpaths where the crush gets a bit
thicker, the ride becomes really interesting, and in truth, this is
where you really learn how to ride a unicycle ( sorry - Land Surfer ).
Smoking a spliff while you manouver through the crowd at walking pace
, dodging from side to side and darting through the gaps is just
awesome. Someone said last night that you actually see where I’m going
now that I’ve got a flag on the back. It used to be , I would
dissappear in the crowd after getting around say four people. You get
some interesting reactions as you come upon people in the middle of
the crowd, needless to say if you are smoking a spliff as you ride
through, the reactions become even more interesting. Life should be
interesting, so go hard you bastards…
Got asked an interesting question, what interesting and strange places
have you had sex in ?
Thought about it a bit and here’s your answer.
In a lift, on a cruise liner.
The front seat of a ladies car while parked in the Toowong cemetery. (
This had something to do with a bet I made with myself, I won the bet)
On the beach at Marcoola.
In the middle of Malanda Falls park.
In the waterfall at Malanda.
On the white line in the middle of the road in Malanda. ( It was 4 am,
the milk truck came through and we didn’t move, we were kind of horny)
In the back yard when the moon was full. ( The house behind us was on
top of the hill and overlooked us. Guy and his wife would both sit on
their verandha on moonlit nights. Wonder why ? )
On top of a grave.
In a ladies toilet at the pub. ( Spectators can be a problem here. But
they didn’t complain to management. In fact they kept coming back with
more friends. Women are much different to men, or are they ? )
On a bed. ( Hey ? What’s so strange about a bed ? We’d been spotting
hash all afternoon, and myself and a lady friend were attempting to
have sex, with emphasis on attempting, when I got a tap on my
shoulder. Looked down and there is a guy laying underneath the lady
that I’m laying on top of. We were whacked out of our heads, and it
ended up as a big giggle session. But how the hell can you be that far
gone that you try to use a guy as a bed ? )
On a sidecar cruising down the highway.
On a motorbike cruising down the highway.
On the roof of the house at The Farm. ( A nice flat roof, lent itself
to all sorts of stuff. )
Lots of cars, lots of places.
In the local pool after they have closed. ( Bloody fence was hard to
climb, but it was a kick. )
Probably more, but I’ve forgotten more of my past than I can remember.
Which is why I’m doing this book in the first place. I seem to spend
an awful lot of time talking to old friends and trying to find out
about the things that I have done. Was talking to an old girlfriend
the other week and she told me how we left a party one night down in
The Gap, I had had a few and was adamant that I could drive just fine,
so I reversed the car the whole way home to the Farm. She said she
felt a little insecure until we made the gate to the long driveway and
then felt fine because I could drive backwards down that driveway at
full noise and know exactly where I was going. Nice lady, nice
time…And she won’t let me put up the photograph of her , me and her
husband now. You know, we were young and silly, now of course I am old
and silly, and I’m sitting there with my hands on her tits while he
looks on, he was one of our mates at the time. I think it’s bloody
funny, because they are now married and we are all still friends. He’s
a lovely musician, a saxophonist, hope I’ve got that right. Saw him on
Saturday night before I left for the coast. We were buggerizing around
with printers trying to make up the flag for the Land Surfer. Got it
right in the end, and we all had a chat before he had to get to his
gig for the night. He was playing in Ipswitch on Saturday night, hope
they looked after him. Nice people… family…
Had a crash in the mall, a big one. Anyway, my flag came undone and I
didn’t notice that it had gone, I’d been riding for about six hours at
that stage so I was beyond noticing. These guys picked it up, came
looking for me and handed it back to me. It had the website name
written on it, so I was very glad to see it come home to daddy. Lovely
people, went out of their way for me and I am grateful, thank you. In
fact, I had a swack of people tell me on the week-end that they love
what I do and thanking me for doing it, just what I needed this week.
In the real world , paulie became single again this week. Another
relationship that basically ended because I don’t like jealousy. Okay,
I was going out with two girls that were friends and it was a real
complicated setup. One was a love relationship without sex and the
other was a sexual relationship with love. Still didn’t work. Guess I
am going to have to accept that I can’t have a girlfriend. I’ll have
to look at dating I guess. Maybe that would work better, it’s a bugger
being a free spirit. You have to be okay with loneliness if you don’t
want to live by someone elses rules. My definition of freedom ?
I can stand up wherever I am, look out the window, get an inspiration
to drive three hundred kilometres to go and look at nothing at all and
go and do it without a word to anybody.
I won’t give this up again for anything.
I’m cool with loneliness, I’ve always been a loner, and now, people in
the street stop me to talk to me. And you can’t feel really alone when
so many people want to share time with you.
Sharing and caring and loving.
A relationship without rules.
The street is my home, where I feel comfortable, surrounded by
friends, free to do as I please.
Gotta love it…
Just had a chat to my brother, the four wheel drivenut with his new
Land Rover. Talking about him and a bunch of his mates taking The
Unicycle Man of Surfers Paradise out for a week-end down the beach at
the wreck of the Cherry Venture, we could do a write up and video of
the occasion and sell the story to the Land Rover specialty magazines.
We can’t trek onto the beach at Surfers, they’d go nuts.
The Land Rover enthusiast with his brother the Land Surfer enthusiast,
it’s a natural…
The Land Surfer has to go now, the Logo has popped into my head and
I’ve got to go build it. Now where is that attitude adjustment ?
Maybe a name change to
The Land Surfer of Surfers Paradise
What do you think ?
More importantly, what do the tourist operators and tourism people in
general think ?
Ever heard of The Wizard of Christchurch ?
Maybe you are old enough to remember The King of The Hippies in
Either way, they promoted their towns.
I think it’s a fkin natural.
We could start a craze.
I’ve got a few people pushing me to start the unicycle school.
Now I just have to think about needs…
to all my family, which is every person I meet
love ya’s hard
August 23 2001 - Thursday
Seems I’ve been here before.
Deja vue you might say.
The first wife left , told a whole bunch of stories and claimed that I
was going to kill her. Funny, but last I heard, and this was a month
ago. She’s living not far from where I am now, had a couple of
kiddies, doesn’t seem to have leukemia anymore and is actually living
in one of my cousin’s houses.
Now, either both of these insane women are lying, or I am.
But they’re both still alive without any interference from me.
I think I should sue both of them for defamation.
If I was any more pacifistic I’d be asleep.
It’s just too easy to have a go at the dirty little murderers boy.
I’m so easy to have a go at because I just don’t do anything.
In fact, I haven’t even fronted the courts.
Got video footage of the last wife, sitting on my couch telling me
that she is a master manipulator and always gets what she wants,
amongst other things. It’s good being a tinkerer with an interest in
everything. Video surveillance systems are REALLY, REALLY easy to set
Got news for you.
Must get a t-shirt printed with a piccie of Andrew on the back,
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY ?
Andrew Benjamin Peter Pavlic
And on the front…
My ex-wife says that I locked her in a bedroom and forced her to
urinate on the floor.
I like a woman with a sense of humour.
Even if she is a dumb bitch…
My young nephew has been giving me a hand with my website tonight.
Seems he thinks that Elizabeth should go to jail.
Now let’s see, take that t-shirt for a little ride past say 5000
people, and somebody is going to show some interest.
Or become a serial pest , jumping in front of every video and news
camera I can find.
Channel 9 has a camera man at Burleigh early in the morning on the
week-ends. He takes footage of the surfers,
I’m a surfer…
And I’m the fittest 39 year old man you will ever see.
Muscles sticking out of my muscles.
More stamina than I know what to do with.
And I can really get around.
This is starting to look like a hell of a lot of fun.
THE GOODWILL GAMES come to town soon.
CHOGM comes to town soon.
INDY down the coast soon.
Our new footbridge across the Brisbane River opens soon.
And any number of events you care to name.
A positive attitude and good incentive and you can do anything.
Even the impossible.
It’s a really good feeling being terminal.
I’ve got nothing to lose.
ROLL on Summer, ROLL on…
August 22 2001 - Wednesday .*************************************
Had one of those days, you know the kind. Life changing.
Andrew Benjamin Peter Pavlic
Have you seen this boy ?
His right to contact his father has not been allowed.
As far as I am concerned, the law has been broken.
Where is justice ?
Do you have to have money to get justice ?
Set myself up in one of those win/win situations that we all know and
love. Had a chat to my ex-father-in-law and told him what I’d been up
to for the last 15 months. Seems I don’t like being screwed over. Also
seems I don’t like having money stolen from me. Still getting my wages
garnisheed twice a week. Had a little chat about what I would be
talking about should I become famous in the near future. I don’t like
making threats, threats should be real, a hold over from my father. I
have been wondering what has been holding me back from stepping into
the glare of the spotlight, opportunity seems to beckon all the time
My son,… my beautiful and wonderful child. Really, all I would have
to do is start advertising the website from the back of the uni to get
a little more attention. And as they say, any publicity is good
publicity. And I ride past thousands of people each and every week…
Lets see if I can give you the sequence of events.
I marry and have a child with a woman who has three daughters to a
previous marriage. I do 90% of the cooking. I hand over all my pay. I
treat all my kids as my own. I write a love letter each and every day
to my wife who won’t get out of bed in the morning. Social services
act on the complaint of three of our neighbours and come around to
investigate claims that my four year old son is not being cared for
properly. At ten o’clock in the morning, he is wandering the streets
by himself while his mother is asleep in bed, every day. She gives
them a cock and bull story, they never ask me, I would have told them
the truth, Elizabeth NEVER got out of bed in the morning. If the girls
wanted a lift to school, they had to first make her a cup of tea, or
she wouldn’t get up under any circumstances. They were frequently late
for school. If they went. My eldest stepdaughter , at the age of
fifteen, with her mothers say so and against my will , had her
boyfriend living with us. For six months he lived rent free while we
starved. Any complaint at all about her behaviour would get you the "
if you don’t like it you can leave, if you leave, you’ll never see
your son again". I started out with a house that I owned outright,
four mortgages later , and a controversial 85%/15% settlement split
and I walked away with $2500.
When your wife comes up to you and your friends and starts raving
about the friend that she is going to stay at for 8 days, is a
millionaire with a goldmine., then you start to wonder. You don’t
wonder when you find ten minutes of video in your video camera of him
on his workbench working out while she spys on him from in the house.
Naturally the marriage goes bust.
I did thank her boyfriend for fking my wife, and I was loud, and I
was standing outside her house at the time. But I really wanted to
thank the guy, he did me a favour. I was really trapped by the
It would go against me later.
After separating , she disappears for six days, leaving your four year
old child in the care of a 16 yr old girl. You get together with her
previous husband and make dual official complaints about her behaviour
with ALL of the children. We don’t have any rights in Australia. She
cuts off her phone and the first time you try to gain access to your
child, she drags him away against his will and locks him in a bedroom.
You write a letter to her telling her that you cannot put your child
through such a thing ever again.
You don’t talk to her for twenty days.
She goes to the police, and claims that she was locked in our bedroom
until she was forced to urinate on the floor.
She claims that her life is threatened.
She sics the north quay lawyers on you. Legal aid is never going to
beat these guys.
She gets a police protection order.
You seek legal advice. You get quoted $100 000 to just get a look in,
and even then you don’t have much hope.
Only $2500 in my kitty.
They push you into a 85/15 split because you can’t afford to fight
them, and that with only one child in the mix.
Never heard of it before.
You never see your child again…
And justice for all…
The guy I spoke to at the family law court meeting that I attended and
she ducked, did comment that she wasn’t very smart but that her
lawyers were very clever.
Clever lawyers and a bit of money and you can do anything, if I ducked
a mandatory court appointed meeting, I would probably do three days
And all the while, I am thinking that Andrew is not being considered
Not his needs for the present, and certainly not his needs for the
Poor little boy faces the prospect of inheriting his father’s
extremely painful 24/7 testicle condition. And his mother is doing
everything she can to stop his father being there for him in any
capacity.Considering that nobody else has got it, this is a little bit
dumb for someone who is claiming to the court that she is representing
the best interests for her child. In fact, if the tiny little note
that she sent me on the subject is all I have to go by, then I gravely
fear for my son’s future.
As a parent in Australia, my understanding is that I have to be
assured that my son is being cared for in a fit and proper manner. He
I have a duty of care.
I have a duty of love.
I am his father.
And my son’s rights have been abused.
I know how her ex-husband felt, she played so many games with him.
When the poor guy came to me and asked me to complain at the same
time, I felt sorry for him and his plight, as well as my own, and
joined him in denouncing her. It cost me my child, and gave me a
really good look at just how unjust our legal system can be. I never
had a chance. And she knew it.
Which is why we should jail women for this kind of abuse. Threatening
people with their children should be a jailable offence.
I consider it to be torture.
I have beeen tortured.
I had thought I had enough crap to deal with in my life.
I was wrong…
Hi Libby, I think it’s time you stopped playing games with me . There
is no greater love than that of a parent for their child. And it is
just amazing the lengths that someone will go through to protect and
nurture their loved ones. Fifteen months of training to become
something . To do something wonderful enough to be noticed, to do one
To see my child without threats…
From two months into the pregnancy until you actually did it, one
threat after another.
I lived with the pain.
I nearly died twice.
It made me stronger.
I have been screwed.
And trial by media will be my revenge…
August 21 2001 - Tuesday
Hasn’t life been busy ? But busy is fun…
Did some work in the book section.
Had a lot of fun in the surf on the week-end. Kept getting trashed in
the 8 " tiddlers. There has to be a way to beat the buggers, think
I’ve found this summer’s goal. Got the whole summer to do it. Just
have to work hard and it will come to pass. Like the guy that bumped
into me on Saturday night and offered some corporate gigs teaching the
power of positive thinking. Funny thing is, I’m already doing that,
and enjoying it. The perception as explained to me is that I am doing
what other people can’t do. The perception is wrong, anybody can do it
if they want to. All you need to beat anything is the will to do so.
Once I’ve beaten something , I set a new target and go and beat that.
You never run out of targets, and you set achievable goals. Small
steps, easy steps. Break something down into it’s simplest aspects and
you can begin to understand it. In the case of unicycle surfing, you
don’t look at the surf as your first goal. The goal list would look
something like this…
Learn how to ride thirty pedals forwards without falling off.
Learn how to make transitions.
Transitions are abrupt changes of terrain. I.E. Jumping gutters,
riding on and off travellators, riding over fallen tree limbs on bush
Learn to ride with your eyes shut.
You’ll need this as you can’t see the terrain you are riding on inside
Learn how to ride the beach at low tide.
Sand comes in different types. Around here we are looking at seven
different sand conditions that you can find on our beaches. Some are
unridable. Some are incredible.
Hit the tiddlers on the surf edge.
The wash of the wave as it goes in and out is a freaky experience on a
unicycle. It is totally unpredictable and for what it is worth,
IT IS SURFING. …
Only thing is, I use a unicycle to surf.
My surfboard is a unicycle.
And it has the same meaning to me as your surfboard does to you.
Start riding through real waves.
I do not recommend this in any way.
Getting dumped by a big bastard while you are inside it clinging to
your unicycle is not one of lifes pleasant experiences, but it is
Roll on summer roll on…
Ride into the surf with impunity. Do what you like. Ride into and
through the breakers.
gotta love that unicycle
August 12 2001 - Sunday
Went for a training ride with my young nephew this afternoon. We rode
across the old hornibrook highway bridge and back. It’s a really long
low bridge that is now left to the fishermen, pedestrians and
cyclists. It’s fallen into disrepair since they decomissioned it. Kind
of holey. Like everything else, if you don’t maintain it, it dies.
Speaking of which, I finally respoked and rebuilt my number one wheel.
So, I’m learning how to ride it all over again. The bastard has come
back with completely different handling characteristics. Makes riding
fairly interesting for a while. This wheel does not go on the beach, I
keep this one with a standard unicycle tyre and my beach wheel has an
oversize bmx type tyre for extra flotation in the sand. I also don’t
want to destroy the bearings in both wheels. Beach sand is a bearing
killer, but you already knew that. Doesn’t stop me hitting the beach,
it’s too much fun to resist. But it does destroy my pride and joy.
Searching around at the moment for some tubing to repair my other
unicycle frame, too many bunny hops and the holes for the attachment
of the wheel are completely flogged. It’ll happen when it happens.
Didn’t go down the coast on the weekend, lots of work on. Early starts
and it pays, so you do what you have to do. Miss my full complement of
smiles, but next week looms large.
August 9 2001 - Thursday
Today did not occur. There was no , this day in history. It never
happened. Honest. Take a look at this weeks pic. Would that face lie?
I kid you not. Some things are never going to happen, no matter what
you do. So go with the flow. Live and let live.
Happiness is relative , if you’ve got a disposition that says that no
matter what , you have to pull the positives from the situation, then
you’ve got a chance of survival. Don’t live in the negative, it will
kill you, put a positive spin on everything and pretty soon you will
set yourself up for win/win situations wherever you go, Never, ever
lose, because there is never anything to lose. It’s not a competition.
It never , ever was…
Haven’t had a really big fire for a while, must organise one before
the weather gets too warm. By big fire of course , I mean in the order
of the old Farm fires we used to throw. You know, the kind of fire
where you sit on the edge of the paddock and watch the blaze from a
very safe distance. You know, in the order of 100 feet. (30 m). Don’t
wear something warm…
Made a kiln to fire my pottery ocarina’s in. Used an old 44 gallon
drum and lined the inside from fire bricks I picked up from the
smelter near where I lived. I used to gather coal with my daughters
from the side of the railway tracks to burn in the kiln. We converted
an old vacuum cleaner into a blower, and on occasion we would get the
fire white hot. The kind of heat that you just don’t experience in a
suburban backyard. In winter, the guys who lived on both sides of my
house would come over for a beer whenever we had a firing going. We
used to stand at the fence in order to remain a comfortable distance
from the blaze. We built a coal chute out of a piece of galvanised
roofing iron and we would take turns throwing lumps of coal down the
chute.It’s just amazing how fast a really roaring fire can consume
fuel. And if you are into watching plasma life forms, then I recommend
the above for it’s shear idiocy factor. Not as much illegal and fiery
fun as making petrol bombs, but it lasts much longer.
Oh, if you’re making petrol bombs and lighting them off in fires. I
recommend that you don’t do it under a tree. A mate of mine had this
dirty big gum tree in his back yard and we planted a fire underneath
it. Chucked in the party starter and it defoliated one whole side of
the tree. Landlord didn’t like it at all. Bugger…
Remind me to tell you the story about the mysteriously disappearing
fence and stairs one day. Good fire stories are hard to come by…
gots ta go
there’s a bath out there with my name on it
love ya hard
August 7 2001 - Tuesday
Hi, buggered I am. Christopher is with us no more. What a damn shame.
See ya Chris, not. The conspiracy theorists will have a field day,
especially as they’re going to cremate him in Majorca. Either way
Chris, we won’t be talking about you anymore. See, history does not
record the names of the greedy as being of very great importance at
all. Which is such a shame…
Got out of work one Friday afternoon, and the pain levels were a bit
too high. Reach into the hidey hole, and pull out my stash and roll a
joint for the drive home. Fire her up, take a couple of hits and the
pain bleeds away. 5:15 in the afternoon and I crest a blind hill. The
cops have put in an RBT (Random Breath Test Unit) and they’re stopping
just about everything. No way am I gunna get through unscathed. Take
another hit on the joint and throw the bastard out the window. I lean
down and grab my waterbottle, quickly swig down a half litre of water,
then roll myself a smoke. It’s helps that I drive for a living and can
roll smokes while behind the wheel with little effort. (Buzzes people
when they see you rolling a durry while riding the unicycle down the
beach) Fire up the smoke and make like I’m having trouble getting the
bugger lit, consequently clouds of smoke. Gotta disguise that sweet
marijuana smell. They don’t twig and I get through without any
trouble. I pull out of the RBT while rolling a new joint and I laugh
and I laugh and I laugh. Not today guys…
The beach was awesome last Friday and Saturday nights, well moonlit
and I had a great time. It’s more than a pastime, this unicycling in
the surf. Met a guy on Saturday night that rides a uni, he took mine
for a wee ride and we had a good chat. It’s nice to bump into fellow
riders. I’ve met quite a few in the last twelve months or so, and it
is always a pleasure.The funniest is when someone asks to ride the uni
and doesn’t tell anyone with them that they can ride. Always a good
laugh. Even had one guy win a bet on my uni. Anyway, had a heap of
awesome rides and just plain good fun, and that’s what it’s all about,
Guy walks up to me while I’m doing a favour for a friend, picking up a
couple of beers from his car, one for me and one for him. Couriers
should be well paid. Anyway, he walks up and asks me if I remember him
from the night he managed to knock me off my unicycle. I don’t, it
happens often enough that it’s commonplace. Guy thought it was real
funny and it was a treasured memory. We laughed and we talked about
all sorts of stuff. I didn’t bitch. I’ve learned. It might not have
been real funny to me at the time, it may even have ruined my evening
if it was a particularly savage fall. But they had fun, and they are
having fun telling me about it, and now I’m having fun with it too.
I’ve even had the guys that stole my red pool noodle off me, sent me
offtit for weeks, come up and tell me all about it. And they were
having a blast. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I meant what
I had said on the night in question. It costs me money, money I can’t
afford to come out and muck around, and people stealing off me is not
very funny to me. I don’t think that these guys would be all that
bothered by that. If you get something for free, you value it as
nothing. I’ve always had a good laugh at myself for my own stupidity.
I fall into every hole imaginable until I crack something. But I like
to think that eventually I find the path through …
Gotta go, my brother wants a favour,
some things you can’t refuse,
August 1 2001 - Wednesday
G’day, just got back from a pedal around the block. Eleven o’clock at
night and riding in the street is really peaceful. Not much to
distract you from the experience. Gotta say I prefer summer though.
Roll on summer roll on. Can’t wait for the weather to get a bit warmer
and hit the beach.
Mixing your drugs can be a bit deadly, shall I demonstrate ? Now I
don’t recommend this and this did happen some time ago , but here
goes. The Farm , party house extraordinaire, had quite a few varieties
of mushrooms growing on it. Shrooms is what we would call them. Went
out one day and went a bit nuts with the picking. Got back to the
kitchen for the boil up and to make mushie juice coffee, and found
that the batch size we had created was just a bit large. Now, we had
picked a selection of Blue Meanies and Gold Tops , so we had
psychodelic and halucinogenic properties in the mix. At some stage in
the proceedings, some wag suggested we freeze the excess and consume
it the next day. We liked experimentation , so we tried it. Had a go
the next day, and hmmm… some of the potency lost, but still gets
you off nicely, thank you very much. Only one problem, mushie juice
tastes like shit. Hmmm…
Only one thing for it, we would have to mix something with it to make
it palatable. Only thing we could find in the house that made any
sense was red cordial. Now if you’re going to mix red cordial with
mushie juice, you have to think about storage. Hmmmm… Came across
some ice block makers in a cupboard while searching for something to
store it in, and one thing led to another and we ended up making some
red cordial ice blocks, with a special ingredient. Thought we would
take these here red cordial ice blocks out for a shitstir, so we
headed into Brisbane City, and found ourselves wandering down Queen St
mall with these magic ice blocks in our hands. What a weird trip,
asked some coppers for directions to the botanical gardens while
sucking away on ice blocks from heaven. And boy, did we trip. Had a
fantastic time. In fact, we had such a good time, I was driving the
work van into the city to do a delivery about three years later , and
experienced one of the most profound flashbacks in my life. I was full
on back in the trip, it was like it had happened ten minutes ago. My
boss found me in the city about three hours later, after they had
figured that I must have gone astray somewhere. He picked me up,
dusted me off and took me home. The next day I spent trying to explain
to him what a drug flashback was, and how you don’t have very much
control of the bastard. Fortunately, my boss was a very understanding
person, and there was no real drama. So , next time you see a bunch of
long haired layabouts wandering around eating ice blocks, don’t leap
to the obvious conclusion. You could very well be wrong.
It’s like a lot of things really, judge too fast, and you’ll never see
the truth. I was talking to an ex-girlfiend earlier tonight, and she
said something about how the people that we used to party with ,
didn’t really know paulie, all they saw was the party animal / maniac,
going on in full party mode. They didn’t see, and wouldn’t know, the
man who sits at home, the intellectual, sometime philosopher, or the
man who never ever breaks his own morals.
Was about to pull into the depot this afternoon, had a helper in the
cab of the truck. I turned to him while reaching for my phone.
“Okay big fella, call me now .”
I wasn’t expecting a call, we were running about an hour earlier than
planned, sure enough, two seconds later my phone rings. I look at it,
it’s work and we are 20 metres form turning into the drive. I don’t
answer it, we pull in, and we tell the boss that paulie knew he was
gunna call. We all had a good laugh, and it was a good way to end the
day. This stuff is just getting more blatant every day. I wish I knew
where it was going. Oops, I probably do, what do you think ?
Got asked a strange question last x-mas day, what do you want on your
“That’s easy” , I replied with no hesitation.
“He’s a nice man…”
If somebody believes that you were a nice enough person to merit that,
then you have done a good job of living.
This is my goal…
gotta love ya and leave ya
July 31 2001 - Tuesday
Finally got my programming section started. Was just going to link to
a programming page that I already had on the net, but I wanted to do a
different treatment. Have a decko if you’re interested.
Finally got a scan of my brothers old Blues Mobile, that brother of
mine has had some awesome cars. From where I’m sitting, I can just see
the 460 big block Bronco in the garage. She’s about to leave us, which
will make me very sad, she is the ultimate toy. Put it against the
wall, let the clutch out and all four tyres will start spinning. I’ve
just about cried every time he has sold one of his beasts to start on
another one. I don’t talk about my brother much, this man who
destruction tests vehicle components with such vigour that he creates
cars that are near bullet proof. If I can say just one thing, my
brother came home from a weekend away at a 4wd do and I asked his son
if he was looking after his new toy, a LandRover beastie. And he said,
oh yes, dad’s had all 4 wheels in the air already. My brother is NOT
somebody that I have to urge to go and jump off the edge. He lives on
it. He always has… Love ya brother…
Just spoke to Morticia on the phone, sweet woman of mystery. She is a
lady friend that I spend quite a bit of time with on the week-ends. A
friend, a good friend , a great friend. I love you Morticia. Close
friends can be the difference between living and dying. I am extremely
fortunate, I have many close friends. If you have five, they say you
are a rich person indeed. I have been unbelievably blessed. Thank
Okay, we have to start a campaign to get the money together to go to
spain, hijack Christopher Skase. Tie him to a car bonnet, tie the car
bonnet to the back of a car, and take the poor bewildered soul for a
wee journey behind the car at say 160 km\hr and for about 50 km. I
think that would be about fitting. Chris baby, we want to see you
dead. No great drama, or huhu, it would just feel good for us poor
deluded bastards that your type prey upon to get some of our own back.
I hope that you die painfully and slowly. You are a first grade
prick… If you’ve got cancer , good, I’m glad - If not, go here
All we want mate, is a picture of your dead body, it’s not much too
ask. Don’t have your body sent back to Australia, if you do, the
temptation to dig it up and send it back would be too great. You love
our money and Spain so much, you fking stay there… Pussie…
Or do something useful with your life, kill yourself, get your body
cut into thousands of bite size chunks and get yourself distributed
over ten acres of rain forest. Fertilizer is about the only thing that
I can conceive of that you would be useful for.
Greed has got to be the worst human vice, and this guy is a dick. The
excuses for why he can’t come back and face the music get lamer and
lamer. If I was in government, I know exactly what I would do. Get
ASIO, the secret boys, to go and just collect the fker. Once he’s in
front of the court it shouldn’t matter how he came to be there. He
should face his accusers. One rule for the rich and powerful and one
rule for the rest. As a child, I was told I lived in a classless
society, yeah right. If you believe that, you should go here
<http://www.amishrakefight.org/gfy/> too. We’ve got a fking pussie
for a prime minister, I don’t like the idea of Australia being the
laughing stock of the world. My, aren’t we tough. They said we can’t
have him back to face the courts because he’s too sick, and as usual
we bend over and take it up the arse. Grow some balls people. This guy
is laughing at all of us. And we should stop the prick from laughing,
he SHOULD be terrified. Let’s see, what can we do to terrify him ?
July 30 2001 – Monday
Ahh yeah, g’day. You again.
Now folks, if you look around the internet you will find advice that
says that riding a unicycle while under the influence of certain
substances is to be avoided at all costs. They don’t exactly say why,
but they do say not to. Now, there is one feeling that I have to try
to express to you dear and gentle reader, okay so you’re cheap and you
beat up parrots, who’s judging you ? Not me matey.
Right, go find your favourite kind of consumables, we’re talking green
here my friends. Have say, eight cones, mount up your unicycle and
head into the centre of town. At some stage you’re going to come a
gutza smack in the middle of the street in front of all the people, it
happens, believe me… Now, with eight cones onboard, you can imagine
the things going through your head as you prepare to do a freemount in
the street. Okay, I’ll relent this once, a freemount is where you
climb aboard the unicycle unaided, I.E. , no post or other object to
hang onto for support. So after you’ve had your spectacular noisy
crash, you are standing in the street looking at the unicycle
thinking, I am way too stoned to attempt this. You can see upwards of
a thousand people in the street, a fair number of them are looking at
you, after all, you just rode through them with wild face paint on and
you were using them as a mobile chicane for your enjoyment. So you
know that you are being watched. Think you’ve experienced drug
paranoia ? Bullshit, you’ve gotta try this. Now the ultimate kick is
to get up on the first attempt like you do every day when you’re
straight and pedal away like it is routine. But you know that you’ve
never been so stoned in your life and still gotten up on the first
attempt. The big idiot grin on your face is not just because the
gorgeous blonde in front of you just gave you that look, it’s more
likely to be amazement that you could pull it off as you attempt to
figure out where the hell you are going . I very rarely know where I’m
going, and often times don’t know where I’ve been. But I do know that
it’s time for a break if I can find the car. Come on ya fkin
pussies, learn how to party HARD.
Came a big gutza on Saturday night, was just pedaling along and
whoooomp. I’m flying through the air. I notice just before I hit the
deck , that I know one of the people approaching me. Don’t like much
crashing in front of people I know, they tend to blow out. It wasn’t a
real good crash either, it wasn’t any kind of step off. This was one
of those, this is going to fkin hurt crashes. Came down and was
trying desperately to spread the impact. if you’ve done any martial
arts , it might help to understand. Basically I was trying to spread
the load across as much body surface as I could get to the ground as
possible, and you don’t have an awful long time to think about it.
Sort of was coming down to land on my hands and knees and I kind of
like those bits so I went pretty limp on impact and took the weight up
my full arms and along my legs. Wasn’t too bad, just a little blood on
one knee, not much padding on a knee and it’s hard to spread the load
to your leg without doing damage. I’m pretty flexible, but you can’t
flex things that don’t bend.
Which reminds me, had a girl try to knock me down on Saturday night.
She lunged into my chest with a stiff arm tactic while yelling at me
to crash. It takes all kinds , not to mention both sexes. For some
reason, they think it’s funny to try and hurt another human being.
Never think of the consequences and mostly haven’t seen the police
arresting people for doing just what they are doing. It’s called
assault dear. Okay, she didn’t even come close, which annoyed the piss
out of her, I just bent with the lunge and kept riding with my torso
bent. Didn’t even break stride. One day, someone’s going to really
hurt me with one of these stunts, I just hope that they like
protracted jail terms. I very rarely say anything on the first
attempt, even if they manage to knock me off , which does happen
occasionally. But the second time, well…
I was reading what I just wrote and thought I would share why I
probably say nothing the first time around. I think that I am finally
getting somewhere with anger management, and I can tell you exactly
when I spotted the turning point. A couple of months ago, I was making
love to a devastatingly beautiful woman, having a lovely time and
things were imminent if you know what I mean. When her cat jumped onto
the bed. It wandered over to me, and since I was on my back at the
time, he asked me for a pat. I declined, I was kind of busy, you know
? So the jealous little bugger walked around us to the other side of
the bed and chucked the biggest piss you’ve ever seen a little cat
chuck in it’s life. We were in a sea of the stuff. Now… I not only
didn’t show anger, I didn’t feel anger. In fact , I was already
laughing at the incident by the time I’d gotten to the shower to wash
it off. The sweet lady of mystery was a little blown away that I
wasn’t bothered at all. I’m proud of that moment, I see it as the
turning point in my life. I just couldn’t find a reason to be angry at
that cat, he had not done anything wrong. He was just venting his
spleen as he saw it . I’ve started looking at other things in my life
now, and I am discovering that I am becoming a very mellow person.
Very little can make me angry, and if it does, it is very temporary.
Fleeting even. I guess I have to thank yoga and the unicycle for these
gains, so thank you. Still a ways to go, will never be perfect. But
thank you pussy cat, you did me a service…But once is enough, so
clear out of the room while I attempt same on your owner. Okay ?
Have a great day and may it be interesting,
May the sun shine down on you and catch you doing something you
Because some rules were made to be broken.
And admit it. When you see someone who obeys all the rules, you
immediately become suss.
They’ve got to be an idiot.
Break one rule a day, a little rule.
Live a little, it won’t kill you.
You don’t have to cut off cars on a unicycle like I do, which can kill
Be a little bit crazy, help make our world a less boring place.
Dare to be different.
Because if you’re the same as everybody else, then you may as well be
There’s the edge, step over it ya bastard…
Having a “No Fear” sticker on your car doesn’t quite cut it.
And it just gives me something to laugh at as I breeze past you in my
shitbox car at 140 while you sit at the speed limit in something that
looks like it’s doing 200 when it’s sitting still.
Got kind of an advantage there, I drive for a living and have done on
and off for 21 years, so my radar is internal.
Get a life, before it gets you…
July 26 2001 – Thursday
The Unicycle Man History
or paranoia can be good.
Came home one day while I was living at The Farm, the party house of
uncertain repute. Riding my motorcycle into the driveway, I see a
picture of the absurd. Think I’ll hold you in suspense for a moment
and just say that I didn’t show a visible reaction. Rode through the
front door as usual and parked the bike in the living room. Had a few
guests I’d never met before , so they were a little blown away by the
noise that a 360 single, two stroke motorcycle without a silencer on
the exhaust can engender, not to mention the fumes generated by the
wee bit of methanol that had been added to the beast’s fuel tank. I
thought to myself that I would have a bit of fun after seeing what I
saw coming in the driveway, so I start like this.
"That is fking it, I’ve had it. Mate, I’m not going another friggin
“Tonight I’m gunna ride the beast into the ashgrove cop shop with two
jerry cans of petrol strapped to the bastard.”
A couple of my good mates were sitting at the table, and they were
always willing to play when I wandered off the straight and narrow. I
guess that they knew me well enough to know that I never do anything
without a reason. What followed was your standard revolutionary text
straight out of the book , so to speak. My mates were playing it for
all it’s worth but their hearts weren’t really in it, you see I had
been thinking that the place was bugged for quite some time, and not
one of the bastards believed me. But they humoured me, as you do, but
only up to a certain point. When they started to flag, I motioned to
the closer one to look out the window and peer up to the road above
The Farm. He smiled and we continued until one of the guests that I’d
never met mentioned that he thought I was insane.
I wish I had spoken the immortal line, but my big mad mate is awfully
bright and very, very fast, and he said.
"Paulie may be insane, but he’s not as insane as that overweight,
dumb, sweating copper lying on top of that commodore ( a car ) up on
the hill, holding a fking shotgun microphone that’s pointed at us."
You have never in your life seen a police officer get into his car and
disappear so fast in your whole life. You’ve also never seen ten odd
people shit bricks so much in your whole life, and did I laugh. I bust
a fkin gut. Watching someone lose it really badly with a bong in
their hand is incredible. But the bastards wouldn’t listen to me. So
you get what you get. Just because you don’t believe something,
doesn’t mean it isn’t true. And it can still bite you. Believe ya
It is pissing down outside, and just for a change I’ve actually made
some plans for tomorrow night. We’re going dancing in the clubs. Well
knowing us, it will probably be dirty dancing, and you know what they
say. If you’re dirty dancing and you don’t orgasm (and I don’t mean
ejaculation) then you aren’t doing it right. Here’s to doing it
Sitting in a pub one night with a mate, this is back in the days when
we called a club a disco. We both get a bad case of the ( I’ve gotta
chuck a piss) blues. We wander around, but we’re too drunk too find
the pisshouse. We end up upstairs, wander through a doorway and come
across a prostitue putting her clothes back on, we’re polite boys, so
we apologise for the intrusion as we climb out the bedroom window and
exit onto the roof. We commence the second biggest piss you’ve ever
seen in your life. Naturally she bolts to get the manager. He comes to
the window and says,
“What the f**k do you think you’re doing ?”
“Havin’ a piss mate, we’ll be there in a minute.”
Climb back through the window with big smiles on our faces and say,
“How ya goin mate ?”
He takes us by the hand, shows us where the toilets are located, and
leaves us to go and get more drunk. I’ve got absolutely no idea why he
didn’t throw us out, but we never gave them any agro, and we were
polite. So, all’s well that ends well. Kind of remember havin a long
chat to the pro at the bar afterwards, and an awful lot of peope
wandered up for a chat as well. Infamy is always fun…
Was out fishing with the same mate once. We’d been fishing for about
four hours and hadn’t gotten a bite. Tired and stinking of bait, we
thought we’d go for a swim before heading home. Now, we were at Noosa
at the time, so we thought we’d go look for the nude beach cause we
didn’t have anything to go swim in. Couldn’t find the bastard, and you
know how it is, when you gotta do something , you just do it. We found
a nice quiet beach with no people on it, shucked off the gear and went
for a swim.
Had enough and we start to walk into the beach, just as we get to the
waters edge, we spot a family unit wandering onto the beach. You know,
mum and dad and the kids. Hmmm…
I look at my mate, he looks at me, and without discussing it, we join
hands and start walking up the beach stark naked holding hands. The
family unit evaporated and we pissed ourselves laughing. Made up for
the lack of fish. Sometimes, even in the quietest moments, life is a
Was out with the same mate one night, we were in The Samford Valley
Country Club, I was going out with the lady bouncer there at the time
(married the lady a while later) and the barmaid there says there’s a
party going on at the house next door to where she lives. She invites
us, but says that she won’t be able to leave for a while yet, so we
get the address , grab a couple of our friends who just happen to be
lesbians and we take off in my mates truck. It’s a shitty old dodge
one and a half tonner , and the five of us, my mate , me, my missus
and the two girls are all across the front seat. One of our lady
friends is peering under the seat looking for the road map, and she
strikes the lighter one too many times. Those old trucks had what I
would describe as a horsehair seat, and they burn like a bastard. It
goes up in flames. We pull up at the Toowong Cemetery and my daft mate
parks on the dead side of the road.
Some bastard once told me that they don’t let people from the other
side of the street be buried there, and idiot me says,
"Why ? "
"Because they’re not dead yet, ya idiot. "
The girls start door knocking, trying to find a bucket to put out the
fire, the flames are like three feet high and climbing, and dammit, I
want to go to the party. With a few well chosen words to the dickhead
who parked on the wrong side of the road, I open the drivers door and
drive the burning truck across the road while hanging my arse out in
the breeze. Park in some guys yard, and we use his hose to put out the
No real damage done, just lots of soot and the seat is just springs
with black crap all over it. We are dedicated party goers however, and
we are still going to go to this party. We climb in, open up the
almost carbon roadmap and find our way to the party. We walk in, we
don’t know anybody, we’ve got no beer, we drank it all on the way ,
must have something to do with coping with sitting in the remains of
the burnt out seat.
So we start drinking their beer, turns out, the barmaid barely knows
these people, they don’t even know her name. They are just a bit wary
of us, after all, we look and sound like madmen. We are all covered in
soot and three parts pissed, and these people are way straight. Know
where this is going ?
They’ve got a pool, but they’re all sitting bolt upright in their
straight back chairs at the formal table in their formal clothes. The
pool is covered in balloons and it is just too inviting. We all go
skinnydipping together, the five of us I mean, and have a whale of a
time dive bombing the balloons.
Climbing out of the pool, we’re all amazed at the looks that these
straight buggers are chucking at us. I don’t know who started it, but
we do an awful lot of wife swapping there on the grass next to the
pool. Writhing all over each other buck naked while 20 or so straight,
square people sit there watching us. I don’t know about you, but for
us it just inspired even more lunacy. We had a fkin fat time. I’m
not proud to say it now, but we left with all the beer that they had
You should pay for your entertainment. And they never said a nasty
word. Not one.
We ended up having a bloody great night.
Because we were open to having a good time regardless, we always have
a good time.
Anybody can, even you.
Have a go ya bastards.
I come off the beach one night after riding the unicycle in the surf
at low tide. As I hit the esplanade , I sit down on a bench, finish
off the can in my hand and throw it into the bin. Wouldn’t you know
it, a police car drives straight up onto the footpath and parks beside
me, bastard must be god or something. A male and a female police
officer get out of the car and ask me what I just threw into the bin.
No sense lying, I tell them it was a can. We peer into the bin, and
wouldn’t you know it, the only can in there is the vodka and
passionfruit can that I just put there. Hmmmm… The lady cop starts
writing out a ticket for drinking in public, it’s a huge crime here
and carrys a hefty fine. Need I add it’s a fine I don’t want to pay ?
I’m pretty relaxed and casual, I’ve been riding my unicycle around for
about four hours and nothing fazes me. I turn to the guy and remark
casually like I’ve been playing with them.
“It had water in it.”
“The can, it had water in it… I need a lot of water riding around
all night and I was carrying the can as a prop.”
He looks at me, I look at the unicycle, he looks at her, he looks at
me. I’m thinking about the little tape recorders that they all carry .
He starts sniffing the end of the can.
“It’s gunna still smell like vodka, I only drank the bastard in my car
an hour ago.”
We look into each others eyes. He says.
“I guess we’ll have to give you the benifit of the doubt this time.”
She tears up the ticket and they depart.
Once they left, I laughed so fking hard I fell of the seat.
Life is fun…
Enough history, as usual, tomorrow night we make history, and we have
a ball. Come join us.
You won’t be sorry.
insert newsgroup tag here "
the adventures of the land surfer…
surfing the land on a unicycle
“suck my fucking string…”
the story of a psychic man
adventuring his way through the subconscious in search of truth
he finds a little more than he bargained for
99% true story , only 1% bullshit, honestly…
would we lie?
a psychic comedy…
"but you knew that right ?