Dare To BE Diferent BE Yourself - page 264 of 264... gorilla unicycling...

gorilla unicycling…


queen’s birthday holiday

here in queensland



jane tells me she was the wildest kid

in her famliy

four brothers and a sister

but paddy never had another child like her

jane doesn’t take no for an answer


mad irish woman

and she says i’m


that mental australian boy

we make a nice couple


didn’t we have fun ridin through town yesterday

jennifer’s wheel is 27 inches

so she’s got a fair bit of pace

and we were gorilla unicycling through the mall

it’s a street

that’s been closed

so ya can’t cruise town anymore

less of course

you’ve got a unicycle

and the balls to ride it where ya shouldn’t

then it’s not a problem

they had

picnic in the park


in the botanical gardens

so when the crowd thinned

i went there to go nuts on the uni

lotsa kids

and they’re enthusiastic

you know

lots of yelling and stuff

had a real good time

course i was pretty bent

and jennifer was dancing

she likes kids

got some really fast dance tracks in the ears

radio behavin itself for a time

so we were ridin pretty quick

strokin the pedals

to the rhythm of the music

you know

when you’re ridin that fast

that you’re bouncing in the seat

sure ya do…


still got a penchant for ridin the wrong way up one way streets

but i was wearin a helmet

and that’s the only thing they ever bitch at


it’s cool…


got done yesterday

got a speedin ticket

i’m with that guy on the radio the other day

if they were serious about it

they’d just put limiters in our cars


i crested the hill

goin a bit quick

and got a flash

you know

and backed off


he was a bike cop

worst kind of bastard there is

and he got me at the crest

the radar gun

said something in the order of 304 metres

i was well off the pace by the time i actually saw him

so what do i tell myself ?

a seeker of psychic gifts


bastard got me fair and square

and when it’s a fair cop

ya wear it

only 150 dollars


what i remember

was drivin over the hill

and gettin a copper alert

and divin for the picks

to get under the limit

but he was smarter than me

copper on a motorcycle

pointin his radar


at me

just as i crested the hill

and got me at 80 in a 60 zone

bastards hide behind concrete

and just poke out their gun


the way we should handle it

is blow the fucker away

for pointin a gun at us

i can’t see he’s a fuckin copper

when he’s hidin his uniform

behind the concrete


enough stirrin

i knew you were there ya prick

i’m smilin…


paulie’s note:

police radar set too fine

work on discretion beyond 250 metres



is generally enough

but bike coppers are arseholes


<<< smile >>>


was on my way to go score at the time

ah, missed me again…


small cone break

see if we can do it without jane walkin in

fuckin rare

she’s too psychic

fae irish woman


there’s the trick

don’t fill the whole thing

just pack a little one

suitable for


doesn’t set off her radar

ya dig ?


that time

i was travellin at the head of the pack

and we were sittin on like

140 plus

just cruisin along

goin to a motorcycle rally

and i got a flash

pig ahead

and backed off

and mick went past me like a bullet

big smile on his face

and went straight through the police radar

and got done

i smiled…


thick crowd

lotsa children

ridin a big flywheel

smoked some cones

[ marijuana ]

pain relief

“yeah right”

lotsa terror

jesus those kids can move fast

makes your ridin


know what i mean ?


didn’t hit any


i’ve got a reputaion to uphold…


the bus stops in adelaide street

still have the extra poles

from the scaffolding above


it’s a fuckin wicked slalom course

the track i hit it on yesterday

was a bit quick

so the speed was a bit high

to do a real twisty course

but there were so many pedestrians

at least three times

i had to go to the gutter edge

and ride past

between the posts on the edge

and the edge

but isn’t that

what it’s about

ridin the edge

on a unicycle

because you can…





don’t have it on the server that i go through


had to rejoin google


i’ve already got several accounts with them

some goin back

to company’s before google

<<< smile >>>

gotta love the net…


what was my fuckin username ?

i’m in the wrong computer


“we’ve got more than one internet account too”

safety in numbers


“you fell asleep in front of the bikeracing”

waitin on pj

“he fell asleep at his mate’s place”

figured that


love my kids

maniacs all…


we’ve kept your dream alive dad…


i don’t want a hobby

like every other prick in the world

i want a hobby

that’s fuckin hard to do

less competition…


did ya see that chick ?

“fuck she was gorgeous”

what a look

nearly hit the fuckin post

it was a bad moment

if ya see one that really sends ya

makes ya dick HARD

ya generally fall off

and get to meet her

fuck life’s hard…




“we will rock you”

playin on the radio



jenny gotta new paint job yesterday mornin


rear end of pushbike frame

and almost dayglow orange

twenty-seven inch racer wheel

colours are important

especially to kids

and we’re all that

thinkin about it

she must look like

a pushbike

chopped off

pullin a wheelie



gotta directional seat on her at the moment

so i don’t ride her with the weight out front at the moment

told this guy yesterday

it’s easier than pulling a wheelie

cause ya don’t have all that weight

out there

that ya have to manage

we talked about balance

cause he’d mastered that stoppin on the bank

but he admitted

it’s still that little bit of movement

to and fro

cause that’s how it’s done

nicer to be on a flywheel

that stores inertia…


i found this in



Being one of the very few people who unicycle regularly to classes here
at RIT, it gives me a special distinction as I speed past people. All
the people who witness my skill all gape and some of the more crass ones
shout, “doesn’t that hurt your testicles?”

I’ve been photographed for at least a dozen photography assignments
(they all probably got F’s), and I was a big hit in parent’s weekend. I
would speed toward them, and “realize” they were in my way, and turn
sharply around them. Heh heh heh.

But somehow I think I’m missing something. The only other unicycle guy
goes to night classes, and I’m here during the day. The skateboarders
have their own culture, as well as the rollerbladers and the dirt
bikers. But not for unicycles.

So I’ve thought what it would be like to have a Unicycle culture. Would
we have our own music, slang, and assorted unicycle chicks? I can
imagine how an exhange between fellow Unicycle ethusiasts would go:

Oh, freem, dude! It was schruluggy! I cranked my Uni to a twisty
but I crunched, man!

(Translation: Oh my! It was quite embarrasing. I attempted to turn
sharply on my Unicycle, but unfortunately lost my balance
and fell).

We would have our own industrial music for unicycles. Lyrics would go
in the likes of:


Unicycle man glide in the night
Crankin his wheel ‘cause it’s right
Lookin’ down below on a 12 foot Garaffe
The world’s so puny, he’s gotta laugh…

or something of that nature. With lots of synthesizers to mask the
lack of talent in the band.

But what we really need is the hordes of unicycle chicks like the kind
that hang out with the skateboarders. The chicks don’t actually skate
as far as I can tell, but that’s fine with me. The unicycle groupee
chicks could wear leather jackets, black tights, and have “Cure” tee
shirts just like the thrasher’s girlfriends.

But the ultimate would be a Unicycle movie. The touring bikers got
theirs with “Breaking Away”, and the rollerbladers got theirs in
“Prayer of the Rollerboys” (a real classic, like Star Wars or something.
Trust me, it’s the best movie in the history of the universe. No,
really.) And the skateboarders got theirs in all three “Back to the
Future” movies.

The awesome unicycle movie would have to star someone like River
Pheonix or some teenage heartthrob. The plot would center around some
basically good teenager who is just misunderstood. However his one
outlet in life is his unicycle, and when something totally bad
threatens him or his loved ones, he rides his unicycle around and
solves the problem. And he gets the girl at the end, too. How can
it not be a smash hit?

Perhaps part of the problem is that I’m not encouraging others with
my polyester shirts, plaid pants, wingtips, greased hair, and thick
plastic glasses. Mabye I should get rid of that HP-48sx calculator
and put on an all-leather outfit, dark glasses, and a German World War
I helmet. I would curse and snarl and make people uneasy to watch me
pass by. That would recruit at least a few aimless freshmen looking
for a role model they can identify with.



  • Derrick Williams Rochester Institute of Technology


<<< smile >>>

“i love the net…”


go fuckin HARD derrick…


“and try a halfpipe”

“when the uni goes horizontal”

“it’s a whole new world”

" <<< smile >>>"


gotta film that one day

in the meantime

“let’s just do it”

“have a nice weekend”

love ya’s hard

paulie { the land surfer…}

“and his unicycle called jennifer…”


“i ain’t finished fuckhead”

okay little one

“versace girl just walked in the door sayin”

“i’m home honey get your pants off”

“amd yesterday you wlked in goin”

“i’m home woman”

“get your arse ready…”

i said we were well matched


went to visit the kuta ladies yesterday

jane and i and ryan

krystle bailed me up in the kitchen

and started sparring with me

her and her sister

both use me as a punching bag

got a few licks in


even if she is an aggressive dyke

she’s still a girl

and i won’t hurt her

we had a bit of fun

" <<<smile >>>"

“okay , done now…”

later folks…


Editors note:

insert newsgroup tag here



the adventures of the land surfer…

surfing the land on a unicycle

“suck my fucking string…”

the story of a psychic man
adventuring his way through the subconscious in search of truth
he finds a little more than he bargained for

99% true story , only 1% bullshit, honestly…
would we lie?

book one

book two

book three

a psychic comedy…
"but you knew that right ?