How does a bassist count?
1, 5, 1, 5, 1, 5
What do you call a bassist?
Halfway between a drummer and a musician.
Did you hear about the bassist who locked his keys in his car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The pianist does that with his left hand.
How do you get a bassist off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.
What happened to the bassist who got stranded in the woods without food or water?
Who cares?
oh snap. Those are funny jackie, but they hit hard ahaha.
I’m more of a lead bassist type guy. I dont like the idea of a bassist “just helping keep beat”, that is either the drummers and rythem guitarists jobs lol.
This one is similar to one of yours: what did the bassist do when he locked his keys in the car?
Broke the window to get out.
OOoh, found a good one:)
How did the bassist’s brain cell die?
Alone.
This thread appeals to my “bassist” instincts. 
What do you call a bassist without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How do you know when a bassist has been sleeping on your couch?
He’s still there.
How do you know when you are talking to a bassist?
Don’t worry he’ll tell you right away.
Best bassist joke ever: Sid Vicious.
Billionaire bassist? Sir Paul. Actually a guitarist originally, but took over after Stu Sutcliff quit the group. There’s a classic example of making lemonade out of lemons!
Good stuff guys!
Two people go to a marriage guidance counsellor. He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counsellor gets fed up, gets his bass out and starts playing it. The couple get angry at him for wasting their time, then they start shouting at each other, and pretty soon a lot of their problems are out in the open. The counsellor can then get them to address these issues. At the end of the session, the couple thank him for a stunningly good session, and ask “So where does the bass come in?” “Ah”, says the counsellor, “people always talk during a bass solo.
A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. “That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass”, says the bass player, “And we’re on stage in five minutes.” “So what’s the problem?”, asks the tour manager. “He won’t tell me which string it was he detuned”, said the Bassist.
A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilisation in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native’s only reply is “Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop.” The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand “What is it? The drums have stopped!” The terror-stricken youth replies “Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!” The scientists ask “Why? Why? What will happen?” Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
Keep 'em coming!
Q. What does a bass player say when he gets to his gig?
A. “Would you like fries with that?”
Q: What’s the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that’s just eaten a tin of baked beans?
A: One’s a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.
(Actually a the 2nd one’s a joke about a big stand up bass, lol)
Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
I heard this from my guitar teacher a long time ago.
Q: Why do basses have 4 strings?
A: That’s all that bassists can handle.
HEY!
This is a thread for BASS jokes!!
I wonder if Geddy Lee is reading this thread. 
Ha! Bassists cant read! Everyone knows that.
How do you get a bassist out of a tree?
Evolution.
Actually, it’s: Why are fretless bass player’s fingers like lightning?
They never hit the same spot twice.
On that note, what do you call it when two fretless bass players are playing in unison?
Minor second.
What do you call a bassist’s girlfriend?
Relative minor.
A bassist in NYC went into a shop to buy smokes, leaving his bass in the car.
He was a little nervous about leaving his bass in the car but he figured since he would only be away for a few moments, and since his car was lock, it would be alright.
Unfortunately, when he returned, just as he had feared, his car had been broken into and he found three more basses in his car. 
This is a whole new genre of jokes for me. Obviously not for others:
Q - Why don’t bass players ever catch a cold?
A - Even a virus has some pride
What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a terrible bass player?
A terrible bass player can kill you.
Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?
Guitarist to girlfirend: Man, the bass player was so bad last night, even the singer noticed!
Not a joke but a question: Why do bassists just stand with their feet firmly planted while on stage?
There is a big exception to this, Frédéric Leclercq.