Bad Unicycle Press

This was in the Maine Campus newspaper. There’s usually one article like this a year, but i thought i’d share this one with you.

"Unicycles, construction and ‘Magic’…please, no more
Matt Kearney

The following are some thoughts i have on certain aspects of campus life and things I have noticed around campus:

If you ride a unicycle just please stop. OK, it was quirky and even a little bit amusing when you first started riding them around campus, but at the time there were only a few of you, making you unique. However, this grace period quickly ended as your unicycle riding antics quickly became bothersome and to make matters worse, you started to multiply. Suddenly, instead of just a handful of you, there were what seemed like dozens. Everywhere I looked I saw a pimple-ridden face riding one. It’s like you were multiplying and making babies, but wait, you probably don’t copulate, so there goes the baby idea. Is there an evil scientist living in the basement of Stevens Hall making more unicycle-babies? One of my biggest problems with the unicycle is that it is not an efficient means of transportation; it looks both tiring and difficult to ride one, so why would you ever chose this method to travel around campus? I can’t wait for winter to come, not because i ski or snowboard or even enjoy the snow, I just want the sidewalks to ice over so I can have temporary relief from those damn unicycles."

He continues to talk about construction on campus and how annoying the game of Magic is. responses?

he’s jealous

sounds like he will have a few other surprises if there are any muni riders on campus.

EDIT: post this jack-ass’s email address…

This is the kinda time when you just gotta get out in the saddle not for fun but to really annoy this guy. I bet he is a computer nerd and never go’s outside. His legs being to weak to even lift him out of a chair. I feel like a rant burn the paper!!!fight the power! Don’t take it from “the man”

I think it’s funny that he says “One of MY biggest problems”. I would think of it as more of an issue to be addressed by the rider of the chosen vehicular system.

I’m just glad it’s popular enough to be annoying.

Re: Bad Unicycle Press

A true intellectual and journalist. They know that unicycling is inefficient because it “looks” tiring and difficult. This is a person who will go through university and the rest of their life doing lots of “looking” and very little “trying” or “knowing.” Why bother when you can look and learn?

This guy needs professional help. Someone w/ no self esteem like him are the ones (you read on the papers) who snap, go on a rampage then shoots himself. Let’s harass him! :smiley:

Re: Bad Unicycle Press

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

This person clearly isn’t acting as an adult, or a journalist.

He is RANTing.

This individual has issues, and should not be a representative of your schools journalism.

If you feel disturbed by this persons view, you are not alone.

(edited … on my better judgement :slight_smile: )

All the unicyclist on campus should pitch in and buy this guy a unicycle ( acheap one, since he may burn it, but it’s the thought that counts).

Dear Matt Kearney,
When reading your remarks about unicyclists, a number of words crossed my mind, a few of them being intolerance, prejudice, and ignorance.
First off, would you mind telling us why you find unicycles so “bothersome?” You state that one of your biggest problems is that unicycles are an inefficient form of transportation. Is this based on any sort of fact? If so, I’d like to see the paper on unicycle efficiency as compared to other forms of transportation.
In my multiple years of college, I found unicycling to be the most efficient form of transportation possible on campus. A unicycle is much faster than walking, and while not as fast as a bicycle, doesn’t get stuck in the between-class migration like bicycles do. In a crowd, unicycles take up about as much space as a person walking, can go at walking pace much easier than a bicycle can, and is able to make sharp turns, stop, or even go backwards when that is needed to avoid collisions.
And have you ever tried to find parking for a car or bicycle on campus? Sometimes it’s nearly impossible, but a unicycle is very easy to lift up and put in whatever space is available on the bike racks.
And by the way, I rode my unicycle through every winter nature threw at me, including the sub-zero days with ice on all the roads and three feet of snow everywhere else. Don’t think you can get rid of us that easily.
Before you try to pick on a group like unicyclists again, try this. Think first, write second. This may be a novel concept and may be difficult at first, but over time it does become quite easy. Kind of like unicycling.

edit: This is what I’d say. I’ve written into my college’s newspaper before to correct some ignorance about unicycles. They usually find it fun to post a rebuttal from a unicyclist, since they think we’re a bunch of freaks.

I did a little lurking around and found this letter to the editor under “Soap Box”.

Letters to the editor
Published: Thursday, October 21, 2004
Article Tools: Page 1 of 2

  • Kearney’s ‘Magic’ touch

I am writing in response to Matt Kearney’s “Unicycles, construction and ‘Magic’ … please, no more” which appeared in the Oct. 18 edition of The Maine Campus.

Possible solutions to Kearney’s qualms concerning UMaine would be:

  1. Construction on the library be immediately halted so that a ramp could be built over the Union, thus cutting two minutes off his route through campus. "Kearney’s Ramp"has a nice ring to it, eh?
  1. The unicyclists and poor people of this town should be sent to the leper colony where they belong.

  2. All kittens should be murdered.


While unicyclists are planted so low in your esteem - as in, not of his supposed sexed-up social standing - this should at least secure some compassion for them. And really, how many people get to use “Sorry I’m late, I just got run over by a unicycle,” as a legitimate tardy excuse?

Making fun of Magic Cards? Way overdone. So uncool, it is cool.

And finally, the subject of Talmar Woods. As a UMaine student who has lived in Orono my whole life - including a five year stint in Talmar Woods - I find the obvious middle-class-xenophobia to be totally inappropriate material covered covered in a university newspaper. Illegitimate children? Perhaps the Kearney parents should have used better contraception.

So, congrats Maine Campus for perpetuation a multitude of stereotypes in a very unclever way. While I do generally enjoy The Maine Campus and its staff’s humorous musings, I think one should be tactful and dignified along with being funny.

I fear the only fair punishment for such an article being written is for Kearney to ride through Talmar Woods on a unicycle for another much-needed four-year stay here at UMaine.

M. D.
Junior English major

The guy isn’t all bad, but definitley misguided on unicycles. He did an article Livestrong and Prosper reagarding the use and mis-use of the LIVESTRONG bracelets that makes sense to me.

Sounds like it’s supposed to be a humorous column. Then you are getting press. The word is that there are more and more of you. Though the word is also that you are pimple-faced and probably don’t get laid much, if someone is interested in unicycling they won’t let that bother them.

Your response should be to create more unicycling babies. If you want to make an editorial response, you should make it funny, and not mean. Something like what the Harley riders use: “If you had to ask, you wouldn’t understand.”

If you can find a way to poke fun at his ranting articles without being overtly direct, that could be fun too. But mostly to say “Yup, we’re here, we don’t care if you don’t understand us, and we’re not going away so have a nice life!”

Here ya go folks … if you want to reply :smiley:

I like google … google is my friend

You should come to JMU.
Someone wrote a few weeks ago in our paper that I made their day when they saw me go down some stairs as they went by.

They usually find it fun to post a rebuttal from a unicyclist, since they think we’re a bunch of freaks.


we are a bunch of freaks!!

Post his email, mail or any address so we can really show him the unicycle way. Oh and Magic is a super dope game too. I used to be like 3rd in state but i am selling my 10k+ of cards to finance my new muni…

yeah I’ll just start signing up for online offers and use his email. Also I’ll order pizzas to his address.

Send a cheap unicycle and a pack of magic cards to his address. That’ll get him.

Great suggestions guys. I thought the article was more funny than insulting. I rode through the snow all last year, where was he then?

I think I’m actually going to try and get one of my friends who writes for the Maine Campus to do a real article on us. An exclusive inside look at the world of extreme unicycling on campus. They could get a picture or two of us riding down stairs or doing some Muni/Trials in the woods. I have a nice shot of me riding on top of one of the entrance signs that would be great, but might get me in trouble.

here’s that pic if you want to see

His e-mail address i believe is

It’s true though, we are multiplying like crazy. It’s awesome.