HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would
wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug,
while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug
on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it
into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate
ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of
chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake
along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be
wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly
for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to
run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have
all the answers.
Dohmation - Clay Animation and Flash Fun http://www.dohmation.com/