A Modest Proposal

First off, in my modest proposal no one, I repeat no one, gets eaten.

The Problem:
Many are the lamentations and much is the gnashing of teeth by a great number regarding their lack of unicycling companionship. Deprived of partners with whom to ride these individuals experience emotional distress and impeded progress. To remedy this, I have a simple proposal:

The Solution:
Any unicycling club with in excess of 50 members will be required to relocate its membership over the allowed allotment to locations where a lone unicyclist lives who is in need of companionship.

That’s it; it’s simple.

Now I know many of you are thinking, why you lousy liberal you, you weasly whelper of the welfare state, always framing questions in terms of entitlements rather than demanding of each that they be held responsible for their own condition.

But I say to you no. No, no. I am no mere liberal, content with outcomes that merely mollify the status quo. I am a Progressive! An Internationalist.

Therefore, I frame this not as an entitlement but as a human right. And in keeping with this, I have written to Kofi Annan at the United Nations with the demand that the right to unicycling companionship be appended to the International Declaration of Human Rights.

Once this is accomplished it is my intention that a United Nations Resolution be drafted demanding that unicycle clubs with in excess of 50 members deliver to unicycle poorer regions their wealth.

Of course, you wont do it, you TCUCs, you PPDTs, et al.

Violate a UN Resolution? We’ll see about that.

Respectfully submitted,
Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

Re: A Modest Proposal

Brilliant ending statement! And if the UNIted nations are worth anything yet, they would have to embrace your proposal!

Klaas Bil

"Like veal… only babies. And I’m talking real baby back ribs.

Rrrriibs! Dripping with sauce!

Falling off the bone!" Sparks, sealab 2021

Re: A Modest Proposal

But how do you propose to appease those who’d prefer to equalize the imbalance by bombing the more densely UNIfied areas?

Ha Ha. Just a little war humor there!

Re: A Modest Proposal

I can understand the need of unicycle buddies, put you do realize that if a
PPUT was to relocate, it would have to be in a form of adoption. The majority
of the team members are either 3rd graders or 5th graders. It may mean more
responsiblity on the lone unicyclist. I am sure some of our parents would be
more then happy to “share” their kids.

Barb K.

Well, we will definitely have to have an inspection team to determine who is a real member, and who is a “ghost” member. This will involve, among many other actions, wiretapping, email intercepts, unicyclist.com posting summaries, unicycle tread wear analysis, checks of body armor blood trace DNA patterns, frame-by-frame artificial intelligence analysis of posted and unposted riding clips, and psychological determination of a person’s profile from his or her avatar design.