In the far off land of Santo Dinpo there was a man by the name of Captain
Mongolia. He was a rightous lad who’s only great pleasure came from waiting for
his beard to grow after he had shaved. Many took a delighted pleasure in
taunting the Captain and ramming he with their helmets. Although he was tolerant
at first he soon was to discover that he hated all man kind, including the
beloved Ted Coppel. We join the young captain on his sixteenth birthday in his
home on Mt. Pennesnsula.

    The day had been good for Captain Mongolia, he had recieved eight gifts
    from himself since he had no relatives. He was born from a freak
    accident between a computer and a tank of walrus saliva. He did not know
    this however, because his father the walrus saliva had died during the
    Captain's inauguration as head of the freak department at the University
    of Montreal. So as CM (Captain Mongolia) went to bed that night he
    thought of his parents. He had never known them, but he imagined that
    they were powerful and famous and that he was alone because of the
    mardardom for the nucular holocaust. Little did CM know just how right
    he was. When CM awoke in the morning he reeked from wetting himself and
    there was a taunting party gathered outside his house. "It was going to
    be another bad day," thought CM as he stepped outside to let the
    taunting comense. After being rammed especially hard by a young man, CM
    fell to the ground in exasperation, and shut his eyes. No sooner had he
    done this then he saw his father the Walrus saliva! CM was dissapointed
    to find out that his father was only saliva. Surprized he was to see his
    dad clad in costly apparell and a crown of capricorns on his brow. His
    father told CM of his life story. He spoke of how he had been a great
    king over his people, but soon bad people came to his people. The bad
    people were not kind to his people and made his people work for even
    more bad people and then the good people died leaving only the bad
    people and the bad people's friends who were the even worse people. The
    great king was sad to see his people die. So he set out to find a way to
    kill the bad people and the bad people's friends. The bad people's
    friends were so bad however that they were able to enchant King Walrus
    Saliva's computer as he scaned the Internet for plastic explosives. They
    made computer give off radiation so that it,was as if it were alive and
    then it exploded. CM 's father then finished by explaining that the
    explosion combined with radiation had created him and that the bad
    people's friends plan had backfired. Because CM was now the rightful
    king of Mt. Pinnensula and that he should go and reclaim his kingdom
    from the bad people. His father then gave CM some powers that he could
    use: 1. He made Captain Mongolia so that he was no longer a plum retard.
    2. He gave the Captain a rock made of stone. 3. Nothing, the walrus
    forgot to bring the third item. And with that his father bade him
    farewell and vanished as the saliva sank into the dry ground. CM then
    relized he had been looking at his own saliva and his stunned brain had
    dreamed the whole thing. He knew this because he still was a rotten
    retard. CM got up and went inside. He fummed all day about the beating
    he had recieved and how he wished his dream had been real. He suddenly
    felt a rush of anger and he rammed his forehead into his elbow. He then
    relized how good it felt to lash out and to inflict pain, he could only
    imagine how it would feel to do it to someone else. So he ran out side
    and smasbed a dog with his forehead and then smashed his head in with
    the rock made of stone that his father gave him in his imaginary dream.
    He then relized that his vision had been real but he did not care, he
    now wanted nothing but to destroy the world with his pimply forehead. As
    CM made his way from house to house smashing things, he was soon joined
    by others he wished to help in the quest. He was joined by a tornado, a
    carriage with four wizards inside, and a wooly mammoth. They traveled
    together through thick and thin fowr- fourty-five minutes and then the
    Wizards killed the tornado, Captain Mongolia, and the wolly mammoth. It
    was then completely the Wizards and their carriage to take over the
    world and carry out the wishes of their friends they had just killed. So
    they headed south over a mountain of chairs in their living room and
    entered the land of Licemup. There they were challenged twice by modern
    technology and the were killed both times. As a bank worker pulled their
    charred bodies out of the school yard he remarked, "this was the worst
    attempt to take over the world I have ever seen,". The man was right,
    the the events that transpired were recorded as the most lame attempt at
    world domination ever.


Written by The National Association for the Advancement of Captain Mongolia.

©1996 ReTran. Corp Written By Danny Jones. CM’s first adventure comments to: