Tuesday’s ride…
After a lousy day at work, I need a ride to burn off some of life’s frustrations. I’m also keen to get some more miles in with the 102 mm cranks on my 28.
So I park the car, get the uni out and check the crank nuts. I’m about to put some more air in the tyre when my phone rings. It’s a friend who seems to want to chat because he’s bored. For 20 minutes, the start of the ride seems no closer. To cap it all, he tells me about a mutual friend who’s fallen on hard times and is in a bad way.
At last, I set off. Within 30 metres, I get cat calls and mild abuse from the kids on the skateboard ramps by the playground. Who said skater kids were mostly harmless?
Within 5 minutes, the phone rings again. A friend is desperate for me to deliver a sword to him. I’ve done some repairs to it, and now he needs it for a fencing match tomorrow. 10 minutes are spent making arrangements.
Less than two minutes later, whom should I meet but my li’l sister? A brief chat ensues, and again the rhythm of the ride is lost. Also, we nearly fall out over a disagreement about our Nazi brother. So much for riding off the frustrations of a bad day!
Blah blah river, ducks, tarmac etc… usual nonsense…
And I reach the underpass. This is a challenge on the 102s - there are 6 slopes in all - all quite steep - and there are 3 blind corners. I have never previously met anyone at all in the underpass. Today, I meet a gang of 6 youths, blocking my way. I’m concentrating on pedalling smoothly up the hill. What’s going to happen? Well, they part, three to each side, and virtually form a guard of honour. One expresses respect for the unicycle, and a tense moment passes.
But at the next corner, I hear a skid of rubber and an idiot on a mountain bike comes sideways round the corner, oblivious to the possibility that there might be, for example, a unicycle in his way. Fortunately, he misses me.
Blah blah, blather, river, ducks, single track etc…
I’m riding along single track and rough grass at the edge of a cricket field. With an audience of about 24 young males, I hit a rough patch and UPD. You can ride for 20 miles and fall off once and it’s the fall that people notice.
Freemounting neatly, and hopefully regaining some credibility, I reach one of my favourite stretches of river bank - winding swooping single track… and my way is blocked by two joggers and a dog. I’m forced to dismount and wait.
50 metres later, one walker and an incredibly stupid dog block my path. The dog runs at me, barking. I dismount until the dog is safely past.
5 minutes later, I meet a group of young blokes on a fishing trip. One shouts, “Look Mum! No hands!” At least it has the virtue of originality, but why oh why oh why do these people feel they have a right to comment to strangers? I don’t shout, “Who ate all the pies?” to fat people, or “Where’s your trawler?” to fishermen.
I reach the Marina, then the nature reserve at Attenborough. In 1987, I bought my first unicycle - a Pashley 20 inch UMX with 5 inch (127 mm) cranks - and I used to ride around this nature reserve. A full lap without a dismount was a huge challenge, and there is one particular steep and uneven bridge that used to be the my downfall almost every time. Now I’m on a 28 with 102s, and I ride the bridge fairly easily.
Back through the nature reserve and down onto the canal towpath. Oh joy and rapture unconfined! There is a fishing match on. The canal is about 8 metres wide, and our friendly neighbourhood anglers are using 11, 13 and even 15 metre carbon fibre poles! Why not sit on the other bank and use a 1 metre pole? Anyway, the towpath is an obstacle course of fishing equipment. Each angler has to move his pole for me, which means I’m teetering along at low speed on a big wheel with small cranks, next to deep and dirty water, with a large, mostly male audience of irritated people. What fun!
More towpath follows and I get to the steep narrow footbridge. I think I’ve successfully ridden this bridge about twice. It’s a pleasant evening, so many young people are sitting outside the nearby bar, drinking beer. Pride takes over - I’d rather fail gracefully than go for broke and fall clumsily in front of this crowd. I dismount ever so shortly before the highest point of the footbridge, slightly disappointed. A narrow boat is passing. The driver smiles a friendly smile and shouts, “9 out of 10 for that.”
Further along the towpath, I need to ride up a ramp and double back, turning 180 degrees between metal railings. The shorter cranks make the unicycle less manoeuvrable, and just as a group of lads shout, “Nahahahahahahahaa!”, and one shouts, “You sh*t!”, I UPD.
On to the road, then the pavement, then under one bridge, over the next, and along the tarmac path of the embankment. The morons are out in force and a group of youths laugh derisively. Forced laughter is perhaps the most irritating of comments, because the person laughing is just being unpleasant, but without the brains or imagination to attempt anything interactive. At least you can respond to the standard-format absent component gag.
And finally… as I approach the end of my ride, I pass the skateboard ramps, and the kids all jeer, and one girl shouts, “I hope you fall off and break your neck.”
This unicycling lark is such fun, and you get to meet some any interesting and lovely people.
Actually, it was a good ride, and the section round the nature reserve was great. I guess the total distance covered was about 12 miles/18 km.
