Oh, it’s wonderful to be back in hick town New Hampshire. Where tolerance for anything be it race, religion, sexual orientation or unicycles is kept to an amazing low.
I was out for late night street session on my trials unicycle when I was approached by a car with its headlights off as I left my street. From the car I heard someone yell “HELLO!” but they were quickly hushed. I continued to ride downtown towards my favorite riding spot with the occasional street lamp barely illuminating my path.
I then hear someone hop out of the car as I turned the corner and the sound of heavy footsteps dart around the back of a building to meet me on the other side. Feeling relatively confident with my ability to deal with strangers after having lived at school in Boston for the past few months I continued on my path and came upon the person rather than having turned back.
The kid looked to be my age, maybe slightly younger but fat. This kid was big and I was surprised he could muster the energy to run around the building. “Do a trick!” he demanded. Feeling rather awkward about the whole situation I just replied, “Sorry, Id rather now.” This apparently wasn’t good enough for him so he told me to let him try it. Again I reply “Sorry, no” and I continued riding. He followed on foot, however, and with trials unicycles being what they are I didn’t gain too much ground on him. The car he had been in came around the corner as he hopped back in. I see the vehicle with it now lit by the street lights. Rusted, old, just a general crap box it was now following slowly along my side. Not wanting any trouble quickly turned left and began riding up a very steep, narrow street. The car turned onto the same street and drove slowly behind me as I ascended to about the half way point of the hill at which point I quickly hopped a 180 and rapidly rode down successfully losing the car as it had no where to turn back around.
Proud of my tricky maneuverings I return to my planned route and continued the ride downtown thinking to myself, “Hey, this could make for a wonderful MikeFule styled story on the forums!” Little did I know at this point that this was just the tip of the iceberg. Much to my dismay I heard the distinct rattle of the suspicious vehicle pull up along my side once more. “Not again, I’ll just ignore them and continue riding.” I thought to myself as I continued to plod along. “DO A TRICK!” a deep voice rumbled from the car, a voice let forth only by an individual overcome by their own body mass. I ignored the demand. “DO A TRICK!” the demand echoed back at me once more. I looked into the car and eyed three individuals. The boy who had confronted me was sitting in the back, a girl, also rather large in the passenger seat and an even more massive individual at the driver’s seat, the one who had gurgled the most recent demand.
“I know him!” I thought to myself. It was Ronnie Abbott, he had graduated high school a year ahead of me and was known for being a general bully. He was big, he was smelly and he was mean. The cunning linguist that he was, his insults were rarely ever more intelligible than “You’re a faggot!” It became clear that he and his friends make sport of harassing people at night like this and myself of course, on a unicycle, was a prime target. The demands continued and I ignored however I soon got fed up and spoke back innocently “How about you do a trick first?” He now began to throw insults. “I bet you love that pole up your ass huh?” he spouted. I replied by telling him that I enjoy it and he came back with “I know I would too…” though before he could finish his insult I spoke loudly over his voice “I know you would.” This got him angry. Angry enough to stop the car and demand that I come say it to his face. I continued on my way. He drove off however this time I wasn’t naïve enough to assume that would be the last of him.
Still dwelling on the situation I mindlessly began riding one footed, extending my right leg far out to the front to entertain myself. “Great job!” an older gentleman praised me from his driveway. It felt nice to receive some praise after the previous harsh words.
Almost downtown I now spotted Ronnie’s car turning around further down the street. I kept riding, one footed once again. Ronnie’s car pulled up beside the sidewalk, now coming in my direction. “Hey bud I was jus’ kiddin!” he shouted to me. I could however sense the sarcasm in his voice and replied as I rode past the car “Whatever…” The girl then hollered from the car “Hey you get back over here!” I didn’t waste the energy to respond.
Feeling as though the confrontation was now over, I was getting excited as I neared my favorite riding spot. I had only had to ride through downtown, a one way strip of shops all closed save for two bars. Its karaoke night I assumed as I rode past one, hearing horrid yelps vaguely to the beat of some current pop hit. A couple, mid twenties saw me as they walked down the street, “Wow, that’s really awesome!” the girl cheerfully congratulating me as I hopped off a curb. The smallest things on a unicycle impress many people. I hopped back onto the curb and spun a 180 off riding it out backwards for 10 or so feet and hop twisting to continue riding forward. “What! Are you kidding me?” the bouncer of the bar yells to me impressed.
Finally I reach my riding spot and begin practicing my SIF hops into a ledge about waist height. Having recently realized that my landings onto object are much more stable with the middle of my foot positioned on the pedal rather than the ball of my foot as I normally ride I land the first attempt. I hop down and circle around on the sidewalk and prepare for a second attempt when I hear Ronnie’s car again come to a stop about thirty feet away. This time, I choose to ignore him once more and give my second attempt though now with my mind concentrated on Ronnie my tire slips on the edge of the ledge and falls with me landing on my feet.
Ronnie and his two stooges within the car all burst into an obnoxious laughter clearly aimed at angering me. I giggle and continue trying as Ronnie shouts, still laughing, “HAHA YOU DIDN’T KNOW WE WERE WATCHING YOU HAHA.” This time irritated I yell back “Yes I did, I heard your shit box from a mile away!” Irate and fumbling for words, the inside of the car is silent for a moment and Ronnie shouts out “Oh yeah? Why don’t you come say that to my face?” I ignore him and continue hopping, landing a few while their car sits there. Irritated that I choose not to respond again Ronnie yelps “You ain’t gunna get any (insert some derogatory term for women here) riding around on that thing!” Laughing now, I decide to humor Ronnie “I already have someone, thank you.” I shout back calmly referring to my girlfriend. “What a man?” the boy in the back of the car shouts to me. Now keep in mind I am straight, though thoroughly liberally minded. Knowing neither Ronnie nor his friend could ever fathom someone not being offended by that last quip I reply “Yes actually.” The car is dead silent for a good two minutes as Ronnie is undoubtedly thinking “Well, now what?” The boy in the back hangs far out his window and yells “ITS OKAY TO BE GAY BROTHA!” I quickly respond “Yes, I’m well aware; however, it’s not okay to be fat.”
Apparently for Ronnie, and the rest of the car this was enough as I hear something yelled and doors slam. Not looking for a physical confrontation I walk back towards the bar with the bouncer who I had previously impressed and waltzed on in knowing Ronnie would not have the courage for a physical confrontation with others around. I’m not the legal drinking age of 21 however the bouncer does not ask for ID as we begin to discuss the lovely sport of unicycling. The bouncer who apparently also works as a bartender offers me a drink and I gladly accept a glass of ice water. He returns and I sip on the water telling him that I had entered to avoid some people who were giving me a hard time outside and his eyes light up and look outside as he was about to then and there go out and beat the living heck out of Ronnie. I tell him they were in a car and not to worry. He proved to be a pretty awesome guy and I hung out for a while and had a nice conversation.
With it getting late I say goodbye, giving him a handshake and thanking him for the water as I depart. Luckily I returned home safely though I know I’ll likely be seeing Ronnie again on a future ride. I’ll be sure to take my phone with me next time and keep an eye out for that license plate.
Tonight proved to be an exciting ride though I apologize if my story failed your expectations. Ride safe everyone and if something similar happens to you, turn back and return home before the situation escalates!
That would’ve made for a nice gettaway. Soon enough though right?