College Unicycling Essay

[miyata]

This is a college essay i had to write. It was an open essay so i chose unicycling. Leave commments at will, they are appreciated. Its suppose to be about 500 words:

They were made for clowns, or tightrope walkers, or even street performers, but certainly not for me; that was until Santa left a shiny chrome unicycle underneath the Christmas tree. Looking at the ridiculous contraption, I wondered, “How am I ever going to ride this thing?” My first attempt at getting on the unicycle ended as an unconditional disaster. Undeterred, I made my way out of the house and into the garage. There I discovered that when the two cars were parked the vehicles formed a corridor that was wide enough for me to ride through, but thin enough that I could easily steady myself. Plus there was the added bonus that I was protected from the biting winter wind. After trying to steady myself between the cars for almost half an hour, I was finally able to do it, albeit with a kung-fu death grip on the car antennas. But with inexhaustible patience and much determination, I was able to make it, without leaning too much on the cars, the entire length of the garage a few hours later. Now I felt that was ready to venture out onto the open driveway. But when I first did, as my hands left the cars and I took my first unfettered pedal stroke, I fell over like a drunken football fan after the Super bowl. Soon though, I was pedaling one stroke, then two pedal strokes. Then I was able ride past the front-door sidewalk. Before long I could pedal to the basketball pole. Every landmark on the driveway became a goal for me, be it a crack, the mulch bed, or the driveway’s end. And with each goal that I made and then achieved, the more excited I became. With this self perpetuating determination and enthusiasm, I was able to ride, without falling, for as long as my legs could go in just a few days. With the challenge of simply riding a unicycle finished, and after searching the internet and discovering an entire unicycling community, I began to further hone my skills towards a more extreme form of unicycling that is done by riding up, down and over manmade obstacles. I was soon jumping on and riding across wooden bleachers, benches, jungle-gym equipment, and any other low lying apparatuses at the local elementary school. It has been three years since I first found my unicycle underneath the Christmas tree, and yet there are still obstacles to overcome and goals I want to achieve on my unicycle. But that is what I enjoy so much about unicycling; that no matter what your skill level, there is always a challenge to be met, just like the day that I got it. And from the day that I fist got a unicycle, I’ve found that hard work and persistence helps me realize my dreams.

[johnfoss]

Your assignment was to write only one paragraph?




Uh, in other words, you might want to think about breaking it up a bit, before your teacher tells you the same. The story is very positive!

[Jester2000]

The best part of reading that is remembering the joys that came with learning to ride. So nice job Miyata. As for constructive criticism, I'm just not in school mode right now and it hurts to think about revising something. This piece reminds me of something I wrote for my senior english class last year. We had to write "a day in the life" of your life. Something like that. a "snapshot of your writing." And one of the big things as always is "show, don't tell." Of course I did mine on unicycling. I'll go ahead and attach it on here, it might help you in some way on your paper.

Warning though, it's kind of corny. But not that bad.

Later,

Jess

p.s. I changed it to a text document, you can attach .doc's. So the formatting is a little messed up...

[Wheel Rider]

Need to break it up in multiple paragraphs.

<Super bowl> should be "Super Bowl".

<With this self perpetuating determination and enthusiasm, I was able to ride, without falling, for as long as my legs could go in just a few days.> This sounds like you could ride for as long as your legs could go in a few days. The sentence is awkward. Maybe this would be better: "With this self perpetuating determination and enthusiasm, in just a few days, I was able to ride, without falling, for as long as my legs could go."

<And from the day that I fist got a unicycle, > You misspelled "first".

[Wheel Rider]

<And from the day that I fist got a unicycle, I’ve found that hard work and persistence helps me realize my dreams.>

Should be:

And from the day that I FIRST got a unicycle, I’ve found that hard work and persistence HELP me realize my dreams.

[johnfoss]

Hmmm. Spelling and grammar checks. Hopefully you have access to software that can check these before you even post it here.

If you want, post it again after making adjustments, and we'll see if this group is any good as unpaid English teachers!

[Wheel Rider]

Originally posted by Wheel Rider
[BMaybe this would be better: "With this self perpetuating determination and enthusiasm, in just a few days, I was able to ride, without falling, for as long as my legs could go."
[/B]

Too many commas. Try this:

With this self perpetuating determination and enthusiasm, in just a few days, I was able to ride without falling for as long as my legs could go."